The Pain

The pain of being in love with someone that you know you’ll never have, it can sometimes be incapacitating, for me anyway. I find myself waiting around my computer all the time, most hours of the day, when I’m not sleeping, which is something I do a lot of, but that’s a whole other story. I already have depression issues and motivation problems. I don’t take care of the things I should be, like normal housework and family responsibilities. I think about this man literally 24/7 and I don’t know what to do about it. A couple of the very few people who know, they tell me to just let him go…. but I can’t do that. It would be the last straw before I finally broke I think if I lost him. It gets so bad sometimes, so bad that I feel like I just can’t take it anymore, like I want to scream and cry, crawl the walls…. hating the fact that there’s nothing I can do to get to him. I’d never be able to. A flight would cost WAY more money than I could ever dream of somehow saving, and I couldn’t drive because it’s my husband’s vehicle, not mine technically and it’s the only one we have… plus gas would be almost as expensive as flying, and a bus, well it cost a bunch too. Plus I could never just leave…. my husband would never allow me back if I just took off, and I’m not allowed to go places on my own. I think about it though. I beg D to come see me all the time. I know it’s not just that easy for him either…. but damn it, it’s easier for him than it is me, at least his wife is out of town on work for weeks at a time….. My heart  hurts so bad all the time. The only thing I can ever see fixing this craziness I have for him, is being able to physically see him, touch him, be wrapped in his arms….. I feel like something is wrong with me because of the way I feel, because it’s all I seem to ever think about, it seems like in one way or another I’m always thinking of him. I get depressed about the whole situation, and I cry…. not because of anything he’s done to me, but because of the whole situation period. It tears me apart inside to know that there’s a good chance that I will never get to see him face to face, in the flesh…. it hurts more than I could’ve ever imagined possible.   It hurts to think about the fact that his wife gets to be with him when she’s home and not gone for work… that she gets to live a normal husband/wife relationship with him…. she gets to go do things with him from as small as going to the grocery store to going out with him somewhere. Then there’s the fact that she gets to make love with him…. OMG and I one big green eyed jealous monster over that, and I hate myself for it…. it’s not fair, they’re supposed to, they’re husband and wife and just because I can’t have sex in my marriage, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be able to. I guess my biggest issue with all that is that it would only take one time of coming to see me for all these needs to be fulfilled and I know I would not be so crazy like this over it all. It’s not like I don’t have other offers from guys who want to sleep with me, even though they know I’m married… but I never pursue any of them back, because there’s only one man I want, and it isn’t my husband, sadly. I told D the other day that even if my husband were able to get an erection, I still wouldn’t want to have sex with him, because I want the next time I do it to be with him (D), and I’m serious.  When D’s angry or upset with me, or I think he is… it’s like someone hits this ‘panic’ button inside of me and I start to completely panic, start losing it, logic is gone. I write him long messages on google hangout, I email him, I text message him and I’ve even called him a few times… I turn into the crazy girl!! And I hate it!! He’s put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last year, I have to admit that, and he’s still stuck around. He still loves me, he still always comes back (to hangout that is). I have never, ever, in my whole life felt this way about someone… not just the sexual attraction, but the connection, the deep and strong love, the way he’s taken over my mind…. it’s like I’m consumed by him and my feelings for him.    No matter what though… there is nothing that will ever be done about any of this, it is simply something that will always only be what we have online, through camming…. it will never be a true relationship, no matter how badly either one of us desire it to be… he’s happily married to his wife and I unfortunately am very unhappily married to my husband, but I’m stuck with him (that’s another story for another time), we are both in our respective situations… and very sadly, we may never get to meet each other in person…. and that, that is the most painful part of it all for me, that is what hurts the most. I just want to lay my hands on him once, feel that he’s real, feel the warmth of his skin. My heart aches everyday, and my depression worsens everyday…. going to see a therapist didn’t help…. I’ve tried to do things to take my mind away from him, become interested in something or someone else, trying to rekindle the flame with my husband, but the whole time, D is all I can think about…. I pray to God all the time to help me with this, to help it go away and to help me understand why, why him of all people, why not my husband…. why did I have to fall in love, this kind of love, with someone I can’t have and he can’t have. I don’t know anymore, it’s been over a year, and I just don’t know how much longer I can go on without seeing him…. but there’s nothing I can do about that. This is truly one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I have ever went through, especially of this nature. I know I’m wrong for loving another man, but I did not plan of falling in love… ever…. especially a painful love.