The Beginning

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 My marriage hadn’t been very good for awhile, actually, if you wanna know the truth, it hadn’t been good since shortly after we got married, but that’s another story. For a couple years, my husband had been asking me to consider becoming a “cam model” on adult websites. When he first started asking, I didn’t own a computer, but eventually we were able to purchase a nice little netbook. He didn’t ask me regularly about it or anything, but he did bring it up sometimes, especially after I got the computer. Normally I would’ve been really open to this idea, willing to try it…. but I have psoriatic arthritis, which causes plaque psoriasis all over my skin, and unfortunately, mine covers most of my body. Plus I’m a “thick” girl and have always been self conscious of my tummy, especially now that I have stretch marks all over, and then last but not least, I have severe scoliosis, and so the one side of me curves in a great deal, while the other side is straight. So you see, I just couldn’t get past those things to actually try and do what my husband was asking me to do, and he never asked in a mean or rude or forceful way either, still though, I just couldn’t do it. Time went on and eventually he stopped asking and I forgot about it for the most part, until one day, while surfing the net, I saw this ad for cam chat with girls, where you paid for it, and it sparked my curiosity, so I clicked on it, and began to explore. Eventually I found the links on the page that explained what being a cam model was and how the payments worked, etc. Next thing I know, I find myself registering as a model and sending in proof of my age, identification!!! And then…. as soon as I’m verified. I can log in and start working anytime, the pay period’s twice a month, and you have to make over $20 to get a check. I hadn’t even told my husband or anyone else about it, I just did it. I ended up telling him the night my age and i.d. were officially verified (the next day), and at first he was a little like, ‘I wish you woulda’ asked me first’, but he wasn’t mad and we talked about it, made agreements on what I would and wouldn’t do and how long I’d try it for, how much money I would need to make in that certain amount of time in order to continue.    Now I know by now some of you, especially the ladies, are thinking, ‘omg, this woman is crazy, what kind of decent respectable mother/wife/woman does that’, or something along those lines, but let me tell you, I have no shame in my game. I have and always will be a very sexual person. At the time that I started doing this cam modeling, my husband and I hadn’t had actual sexual intercourse in a little over a year, after trying everything you can think of to help him be able to. So playing with myself for guys that I can’t see and don’t know, it just really didn’t bother me…. some may say that this makes me a whore, a prostitute, slut, whatever… and that’s fine, I get it. 🙂 Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions. Anyway, I was willing to try this and see where it went, so I started broadcasting from a private room in my home at nights when my family was asleep (my husband knew of course). It was very nerve racking for me, especially at first, because of the psoriasis that covers my arms, legs, and some other places…. and then of course my tummy, but I did it anyway. I went on after creating my profile and I started talking to “clients”. Some were weirdos for sure, but most seemed to be normal, everyday kind of guys. My first night on there broadcasting live, a client came into my room and we begin chatting privately. He really caught my attention, I don’t know, just something about him, maybe in the way that he talked to me while we were chatting…. he just didn’t seem like the rest of the guys in there that I’d talked to. He was very genuine and interested in ME, who I was as a person, not what he wanted me to do sexually…. and then there was that one last thing, the thing that freaked me out the most, was that I could feel this weird, unexplainable connection to him. We ended up talking for awhile that night. He told me if I had a better computer he’d request a ‘private session’ with me. The next day I went to my local rent to own place and got a better computer, lol, smh. How sad is that? But I did it…. I don’t know, I can’t explain it, but like I said,  I just felt this instant connection. We talked for like a week straight after that, we exchanged email addresses and since we both had google accounts, we talked on hangouts, outside of the adult cam site, eventually he sent me a picture of himself, he was/is very self conscious, (just like me), but he has no reason to be. I found him incredibly attractive, (and still do). Between the way that he treated me, talked to me, his personality, everything, and then the way he looked too, omg…. I knew I was in trouble. We started talking every day on hangout, and somewhere in there, we started doing video calls on hangout. It all escalated and happened so quickly, but I loved spending time with him online, I loved the way he made me feel, the way he made me feel about myself too. He was/is so easy to talk to, I felt I could tell him anything and everything, and over time, I did, and he always still came back, no matter what, he accepted everything about me. All of these were/are things that I longed for in my husband. People might be wondering by now why I would ever trust someone I met on a site like that, and trust me, I asked myself that question many times in the beginning too, but it wasn’t just instant message conversations I had with him, it was the video calls, the camming with him on hangouts that really did it for me. Being able to look into his eyes while we talked, being able to see his facial expressions, his body language, hearing the tone of his voice, all that helped in furthering my trust for him. I started thinking about him constantly, to the point where he was pretty much filling my thoughts. Now you might be asking yourself, ‘didn’t she say she’s married and has kids?’, and the answer of course is yes, I am married and I do have kids, and that has been the trickiest and craziest part about all of this, the hardest part. Especially when you throw my faith and beliefs in God in the whole mix. Then it becomes a huge mess. Of course I thought about all of these things the whole time I continued to talk to him everyday. The more I talked to him, the stronger my feelings got for him, until after only a short period of time, I knew i was falling in love with him, and it scared the hell outta me… I had no clue what to do, because I knew that I could never leave my husband due to circumstances, no matter how unhappy we were together, and because I knew that he was in a relationship with someone as well, a long term relationship… and he wasn’t going anywhere, that I knew…. so I knew that we would never be anything more than what we were online, yet I was still falling for him, fast and hard. I told him all these things, I’ve always been honest with him about everything, never holding anything back, and he didn’t react in a bad way. He’s a very quiet person and he often doesn’t say much, but when he does, it’s usually important. Within a months time we had forged an incredibly strong friendship and bonded on levels neither of us understood, and even in just that short period of time, neither of us could picture our lives without the other in it, despite the fact that we were both in serious relationships, despite the fact that we lived 15 hours apart, states away from one another…. despite the fact that we may never get to see one another…. we still overlooked those things and we formed a strange, yet loving and intimate relationship over the computer…. unbeknownst to our significant others or anyone else. We talked pretty much everyday. This is just the beginning of my story, a little background if you will, lol, but there is so much more involved, so many emotions and feelings….  I never thought it was possible to feel as though I were going to literally go insane over wanting another human being or object, but now I know it is definitely possible. ——- If you liked what you read, stay tuned for more posts.. I will try to post daily, but it may be every other. Thank you for tuning in and until next time,, God Bless!!

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About lilylanders30

I'm a kind, loving and caring person for the most part, but if you cross me or screw me over, not so much. I'm a mom and a wife. I don't have much of a "life" outside of my family. I'm pretty straight forward and open/honest. I've been through a lot in my life and I don't have time for bs. I'm like a roller coaster of emotions all the time. I make a lot of my problems in life worse by my crazy actions, when I'm not even intending too. I love Jesus/God/Holy Spirit, and my faith has often been the only thing that's kept me going. I like a lot of different things. Reading, writing and music are 3 of the biggest ones. There's a lot I could write about me, but I'll stop at this, lol. :-)

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