New Years Eve…. People are out at the bars, out at New Years Eve parties at their friends house, home with their families – their loved ones, enjoying one another, reflecting on the last year…. not here in this house though. Nope… here at my home, my husband is in bed with our youngest son, and I’m out in the living room with my oldest, wishing that my husband gave a shit about me. All I wanted was for him to spend tonight with me, to be able to kiss him when the ball dropped, but of course, he’s been being mean ever since this morning. He’s so nasty with his mouth, so volatile, and so hurtful, and of course, he knows how to hurt me to my core. Once he starts being mean and nasty like that, he won’t stop. So today was a terrible day and now my night is no better. Meanwhile, fifteen hours away, the love of my life and his wife are throwing a little New Years Eve party/get together. Yeah…. I said it, the love of my life and his wife. While I sit up with my seven year old and my husband lays in bed hating me, and that’s fine, he can hate me, I just wish he wouldn’t be such a jerk about it. If life were perfect, I’d be in the arms of D right now, waiting for midnight to come where we would then kiss and toast to a new year, while the kids slept. No matter what, I’ll always be doomed, I’ll never be able to have him (D), even if Sean were to leave or what have you, D is still married, and he’s not going to leave her for me, not now, not ever. So I’m stuck with this incredibly strong love for him inside of me, so strong yet so painful at the same time…. More than anything, this year, I want to meet my D, face to face, right in front of me, where I can touch him. Of course I want for my kids to have a safe, healthy and happy new year, and I’d pick that over anything, but that other one, that’s right there. It’s been over a year now since we met and I’ve been in love with him pretty much from the start… I don’t know if I can go another year without meeting him, meeting him. Sigh….. New Years Eve…. It should be a happy time, a time for reflection on life, for spending time with friends and loved ones… it’s just not happening for this girl, not this year. Happy New Year to all you out there, may you be having a better New Year than me!