A Day For Reflection & Contemplating – Page 1 Of A New Year

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    New Years Day… A day for reflection of the last year, and contemplation on the year ahead. Sounds about right, doesn’t it? Or at least legit. I think all the time, I mean my mind is never just blank, or without a thought or twenty, but sometimes, as with anyone, my thoughts are deeper than other times. Well today, some deep thought came as my husband was lying on the bed in just his underwear, talking to me, and I was getting annoyed listening to him, for no good reason really. It was in that moment, looking at him, that I realized how completely unattractive he is to me and that I am so not in love with him. I was just totally disgusted by everything about him physically, hit with it full force all at once…. and I felt so guilty about it, but at the same time, I felt like, “now what do I do?”…. You see, leaving him is just not an option, not right now anyway, if ever that I can see. So now what? Here I am, stuck being married to this man that’s twenty-five years my senior, and the love I once had for him is just completely lost, the attraction I once felt completely gone. There has been too much ugliness between the two of us, any beauty in it long gone. To top it all off, I am not only just not in love with my husband anymore, not attracted to him, but I am totally, completely and helplessly, hopelessly in love with another man, one that can never be mine, will never be…. A man that I can only love from afar, a man that only has real time for me when his wife isn’t home….. and even though that man loves me back, it still doe not change the situation between us or the one at hand. This love for this other man, D, it has taken over me it seems, I honestly feel like one of those obsessed whack job stalker types!!! Who the hell does that? Feels that way? And why?!! For the love of Christ, WHY ME??!! I did not ask to fall in love with someone, I did not ask to meet this particular man, although one could say that I asked to meet a man in general because of what I was doing at the time I met D…. but still, my point is, I didn’t choose to fall in love, to feel these insane feelings I feel…. didn’t ask to obsess about seeing a man that I’m most likely never gonna see….. didn’t ask for being able to see him to be the main focus in my life for over a year now…. That is not healthy, it is not normal, I have a family to take care of, kids… yet it is how I feel, it is what I’m going through. Life is too overwhelming….. I have to do something this year to lessen the chaos…. I need to learn to deal with my feelings…. I may not be able to control what I feel, but I can control how I let that feeling affect me, I think… Love truly does hurt… in my case the situation at hand is what hurts…. and the knowing that I’ll always be in second place when it comes to the man I love…. his wife will always be first place, (which is as it should be, but still no easier to accept). He’ll always put me after her, and I’ll always be waiting around to hear from him, to have time with him, and that’s pretty pathetic I know…. My problem is, I don’t know what to do about all of this. I can’t seem to walk away from either man, even though it seems that ridding myself of them would be the solution…. it definitely would not be…. I could maybe see under the right circumstance ridding myself of the one, (my husband), but I just can’t see getting rid of D…. I can’t even imagine it…. So yes, I have my work cut out for me this year, for sure….and this isn’t even the half of it…. oy vey. 

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