My Darkness Part 1

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I am drowning in my depression… it’s just not getting any better. I mean, I’ve been depressed off and on for years now, since I was twelve to be exact, and maybe earlier, but twelve is when it was first documented. It seems like most of my life I’ve been depressed in one form or another, even as a child. I always remember feeling this kind of like hole inside of me that needed to be filled somehow…. an emptiness deep inside of me, and I just wanted to fill it, to fill that hole, that emptiness. This dark void that needed to be occupied. I got stomach aches a lot and the doctors could find no physical reason for them. I ate a lot, food was my comfort. I was a heavy kid because of it, which only made things worse. As I started to get older, things started to change, they got worse. At the age of twelve, I started cutting myself, having outbursts…. I became sexually active at twelve and not just with one guy, but with whatever guy would have me… I began smoking pot, cigarettes, and drinking, hanging out with older teens. My mom, a then single, working mother, she couldn’t control me and didn’t know what to do…. and all along, there was this bitter depression, this woeful sadness, eating away at me. At that age, I had no idea what to do about what I was feeling, so I acted out in different ways, mainly sex, smoking pot, drinking, running off and doing what I wanted… you name it. From twelve years old to eighteen years old…. I was out of control with emotions, up and down constantly. I went to see my first psychiatrist at age twelve. He put me on the first of many medications I’d take over the years. If I took them right, the meds proved helpful, but if I stopped taking them correctly (which I often did and still do), I ended up being a mess again. I still to this day don’t know why it’s so hard for me to take my medications correctly. At sixteen I became addicted to cocaine and eventually crack. By eighteen I was a full blown crack addict. It was terrible, living in Flint I had constant access to it. When I was high I felt on top of the world, but when I started to come down, well, that was the worst, that’s when the depression hit me the worst. Finally my mom moved us back up north and I got clean. I still struggled with my bipolar/depression though, and my borderline personality disorder. A few months before I turned nineteen, my mom passed away one night while I was out partying. None of my family would take me in, my step dad had my stuff packed and out in the garage three days later. I was so lost and with nowhere to go, I felt even more lost. I ended up on Mackinac Island, taking a job I had already been hired for before my mom passed away. It didn’t last, I was fired. I ended up staying with friends until my aunt finally let me stay with her, and a few months after that, I ended up back with ex, Jason. Things were good with him at first, I got back on my meds regularly, he had always been good to me previously when we were together. I moved in with him and his dad, eventually we got our own place… eventually he started hitting me. I ended up being distanced from my family, I had no friends and wasn’t allowed to have any, he went everywhere with me, he took me to work and picked me up, I never had the car to myself, I couldn’t even go to the store around the block from us by myself. While he didn’t beat me on a daily basis, he hit me enough. He was controlling and he made me believe that everything was my fault. The whole time, I was depressed. I was however, taking my meds correctly at the time, and so things weren’t as bad as they could’ve been. My relationship with Jason ended a day or two after we moved just outside of town, I confronted him about cheating on me…. he tried to kill me. We split that night, he moved in with his new girl, someone who was supposed to be my friend. I didn’t think I’d make it through that break up, it hurt so bad…. I was so depressed. I made an impulsive decision a few days later and a friend took me down to Walbridge, OH where I moved in with a guy friend that I had that lived there. Big mistake. I was not ready to be in that sort of a relationship, and that’s what he wanted. I was running out of my psych meds and my pain meds and so I was starting to get sick. I got mixed up in some cocaine again one night… things just weren’t going well. I ended up taking my last paycheck from Michigan and getting a bus ticket to my dad’s in Flint. My dad and I have a sketchy relationship, we don’t know each other very well, he wasn’t around growing up. So I moved in with him, he was on the road a lot. Things were going well, my brother was going to get out of rehab soon…. and then one day, the next door neighbor guys came over to party, and they brought cocaine. After that, it was all downhill. I ended up getting kicked out of my dads and literally living on the streets or with people I barely knew. I was back on crack again, badly. I took a lot of money from a man I was staying with at the peak point of insanity, and ended up in the ER in downtown Flint, praying he didn’t come in there after me. They weren’t going to see me, the hospital wasn’t, it was like 4:30 a.m. and all of a sudden my cousin’s ex wife walked in, she lived forty-five minutes away, she took one look at me and said, “What in the hell are you doing!?” She’d come for a totally different reason, had no clue I was there, but she couldn’t leave me there. She got me back up north with my aunt, and I was off crack again, for the second time. I got my old job back at the Shell station, my aunt bought me a van and I was getting on my feet, I was on meds again. I got pregnant for my first son a few months later, I was twenty-one. I did good through my pregnancy, I also met a guy. We got an apartment together, I had my son, things were good. Although the guy I was with was an alcoholic. He ended up leaving me a few weeks after my son was born. I was extremely scared and depressed, but I knew I had this life to provide for…. I was also very addicted to opiates. Somewhere between moving back up here from Flint and getting pregnant, I had become a bad opiate addict, even using during my pregnancy. 😦 I was going to lose my apartment, he had left me behind on rent, I had just started working at Staples, but I wasn’t going to make it. I moved in with a guy that I had no interest in like that at all, because I knew it was a roof over my son and mine’s head. This guy was a drunk and had six kids of his own…. it was with him that I met my husband. My husband sold his pain pills sometimes, and being an opiate addict, that’s how I met him, as I’ve told you in another post, we started seeing each other when the drunk guy kicked me and my son out in the middle of the winter, no place to go. I ended up going to the house my husband was at, and he hugged me and told me everything would be alright when he saw me crying. After that, we were never apart. Always though, through everything, my depression has haunted me, plagued me, afflicting me sometimes and others just lurking in the shadows, waiting.   – To Be Continued

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About lilylanders30

I'm a kind, loving and caring person for the most part, but if you cross me or screw me over, not so much. I'm a mom and a wife. I don't have much of a "life" outside of my family. I'm pretty straight forward and open/honest. I've been through a lot in my life and I don't have time for bs. I'm like a roller coaster of emotions all the time. I make a lot of my problems in life worse by my crazy actions, when I'm not even intending too. I love Jesus/God/Holy Spirit, and my faith has often been the only thing that's kept me going. I like a lot of different things. Reading, writing and music are 3 of the biggest ones. There's a lot I could write about me, but I'll stop at this, lol. :-)

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