Just A Little Ranting

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How pathetic I am…. I wait for him online all the time it seems. All day I either keep my pc on and I’m forever going to check it for him or his messages, or I’ll turn it off, but every hour or so, I turn it on and check for him. His wife is home right now, so I know that I’m not going to get to talk to him much anyway, not until she leaves again. I know he has to be careful, and I know he wants to spend time with her because he misses her when she’s away…. but I still get jealous. I think part of my jealousy is that I don’t have that in my own marriage. My husband and I don’t spend quality time together, we don’t even get along. I get so depressed over it all. I know one thing’s for sure, D’s wife is a very lucky woman, and I hope she knows that. That depression that so often lives inside of me is really thriving lately. I look at my boys and I know that they are the reason I keep going, keep fighting this battle. I may not be the best mom, maybe not even a good one at times, but I’m still their mom, and I know from losing my own mom, that any mom is better than no mom. So I wake up in the morning and I try, for them, I may not always try my hardest, but I do try. They are my heart. I feel bad that I have fallen so deeply in love with another man, one that I will never have, but I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t expect it, and I surely didn’t ask for it. I tried something, hoping to bring a little extra money into the house, and ended up meeting someone that I feel is my soul mate, and yes, I believe that soul mates can meet but not necessarily be meant to be together, or aren’t able to be. This man, my D, I love him more than words can say, but at the same time, my relationship with him, the situation of it all, it’s depressing…. all I want is to see him, touch him once. I know we can never be together, I’ve accepted that. What I can’t accept it not seeing him ever. As I sit here and sigh, I know that life is up to me in a lot of ways, I just have to do it. Get up and fix what’s wrong…. but it’s easier said than done. Like so many others, I just get really tired sometimes. Well, I think my rant is over now. 

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