Too Much

Standard

I’m really missing him. We haven’t been talking as much lately. I’m upset with him if you wanna know the truth. I realize his wife is home and he has to be careful, but you know what, my husband is home most of the time and I still cam with him. I take that risk, the risk of having my husband walk out when I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be doing. I cam with him when my family is home, my kids. Now I know that he does the same with me too sometimes. He cams with me when she’s home, but definitely not as often lately. I know she caught him on a site that he shouldn’t have been on, but that’s not my fault….. he has two women that are madly in love with him, why does he need to look at other women? So now he has to be extra careful, and I’m suffering from it. He’s not on instant messenger as often any more, and you know what, neither am I. I’m too tired to sit there and hope that he comes along. He knows how much I love him, or at least I would hope he does by now. It’s just that I don’t know how much longer I can go wondering if he’s ever going to come see me. I realize what kind of a risk it is, and I realize that it’s not easy financially, but he’s in a much better position than I am when it comes to all that. She leaves for weeks at a time for her job, so why couldn’t he come for a day?? It takes fifteen hours to get here, I know that’s a long trip, but what we have, to me, if worth a million hours if that’s what it took to get there. If I had the money and I didn’t have kids, I’d drop everything to go see him. I just want ONE time with him, just once. No one can seem to understand that, they say things like, “Oh well you’d want it again after that, you’d want to see him again, it’d just make it worse”, and I feel like screaming at people to just shut the fuck up because yes IT would help, and no it WOULDN’T make it worse, this is what I NEED to make all this better, to make this craziness that feel inside over him go away finally. So I can breathe without D for once. This is getting to be too much. My heart hurts so bad. The one thing I want most, I cannot have, and I feel like it’s killing me inside, slowly, bit by bit, day by day. People ask me why I’m depressed, even when Sean and I are doing a little better I’m still depressed, and it’s because all I can do is think of D, think of another man. I’m depressed in part, in big part, because all I can think of is being held by the man I truly love…. not the one I’m married to. That is not right. My mind and my body are just so exhausted and I’m tired of the pain, from everything. Some days I’m sure it’s all too much. 

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