Jealousy – It’s Truly A Monster

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I do not like jealousy, especially when it’s me who’s jealous. I HATE that feeling…. it truly is a green eyed monster. I’ve been jealous before, don’t get me wrong, but this particular jealousy, it will eat me up if I don’t do something to try and cope with it now. I just don’t know what is that I can do to make it go away. I guess I should start by saying that the reason I’m talking about this right now is because D is on a trip with his wife, somewhere up in Canada. I know that I should NOT be jealous…. he isn’t technically my man. Despite the fact that we have a connection, a bond, like none other I’ve ever experienced, including with my husband, he is not my husband or my boyfriend, so I have no right to have ill feelings about him taking a little vacation with her. She’s gone a lot because of her job, sometimes being gone for weeks, and I know he misses her so much during those times, so really, technically (there’s that word again), they need and deserve this trip. Plus he works long hours at a job he hates, so yes, he deserves this. Yet for some stupid and horrible reason, the though of it eats me up inside…. it hurts my heart…. and it’s stupid! Because I knew when we started talking that we would never be anything more than what we are now, and neither one of us are really even sure what that is…. what exactly you call this. It’s not like a traditional man/woman relationship because we both have spouses/family’s, responsibilities to those families, we can’t “be together”, what he have is on here – the computer I mean…. yet it has felt to me for the past year and a half more like a true relationship than the marriage I’m in now and any other relationship I’d had in the past. So I’ve always known, and accepted that we will never be together. This trip thing though…. I don’t know…. when he told me he was going, I was instantly disappointed, jealous, upset, and unsure of why all at the same time. I felt terrible. All I could do is say, Oh…. Really? I think part of these feelings I’m having come from the fact that I’m in a miserable marriage that is failing more and more everyday it seems, and when I say there truly is nothing that can fix it besides the Lord, I mean it with all my heart. I do not love him like a wife loves her husband, not anymore. He is not attractive to me in any kind of way. I feel terrible about all this too, I struggle with it constantly. I try to make myself start feeling that way again, and sometimes it starts to work and he’s nice back, but by the end of the day, something has ruined it, we’ve gotten angry with each other or argued or something like that. We have not had actual penetrating intercourse in about two and a half years and he doesn’t touch me very often anymore, which kind of doesn’t matter, because I have to force myself to do things with him in the first place. I have to close my eyes and imagine D. So as you can see, my relationship with my husband pretty much sucks. And so I think that part of my bad feelings toward D and his wife doing stuff together, even little things, just the thought of them together period, it makes me so friggin green with envy, jealousy and I think it’s partly because I don’t have that in my marriage, and I probably never will…. they do, and they probably always will…. and no matter how much he tells me he loves me, I’ll never be her… I’ll never be first, I’ll never matter more…. she’ll always be number one, as it is supposed to be with your spouse. She’s the one he lays down with at night in bed…. she’s the one he makes love to. she’s the one that gets to touch him, kiss him…. all the things that I don’t get to do but yet long to so so bad. I get so frustrated because after all we’ve/I’ve been through this last year and a half almost that we’ve been talking…. the one thing I keep begging him and asking him to do for me it to just PLEASE come see me…. please come and make love to me, let me see you, let me see your real, to touch his body to feel his skin beneath my fingers…. all of it and more. It’s not just sex that I want to see him for (although that’d be beyond awesome), it’s just about seeing him, just once, meeting him in person….. I NEED this, and I’ve told him over and over again. that if he would just come, if he would do this one thing for me, he has no idea how much better I’ll feel and be afterward. I don’t think he believes me though. I even spoke to a counselor I was seeing about it, and he actually agreed that I need to see D, that way I can start dealing with my feelings for him and what to do. It is terrible someday’s, it’s like I am literally obsessed with him coming to see me. It’s all I can think about most days, even when I’m think of other things he’s there in the back of my mind. I bug him about it all the time. I can’t help it, seriously….. I just don’t get it, I get so frustrated…. WHY!? won’t he take a couple days and travel the 15 hrs. to get here and come see me, just for a few hours, we both know I couldn’t be too long but I could stay long enough. If his wife is gone and she won’t be back for a couple weeks or so, then WHY? He gets three days in a row off every other weekend…. he could take Monday off…. I’ve actually sat and thought and planned all this…. How fucking pathetic and creepy creeper like is THAT? I mean seriously. He knows how much I have going on in my life, he knows how terrible I’m feeling and have been feeling for the last couple years….. I’ve told him a million times that I can’t explain it, but him coming to see me would end all this craziness, that I can’t explain how I know or why, but it’s what I feel.  Anyway, yes, I’m jealous…. I’m human too? I just wish he’d realize, she gets him for the rest of their lives…. I don’t. I get him when he can be with me online or on cam. So why is trip to see me such a big deal?? *sigh* I’m hurting….. really bad. Not just about this either, other things too, but I’m not gonna write about those tonight. I sometimes just wish I’d get over him…. but then I can’t picture my life without him. Idk…..

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