I Don’t Want To Lose My Best Friend

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So, if you’ve read certain blog posts of mine, you’ll have read about D, the man that I am in madly in love with but is not my husband. Crazy sounding, I know, and it is. I love this man more than life itself, I love him by far more than I’ve ever loved my husband, (sad I know). But he is also my best friend…. and I’m afraid I’m losing him. We have now been talking on an instant messenger and seeing each other on cam for a year and a half…. almost everyday with talking to one another. He has been there during some really bad times for me…. He’s seen me at my worst and he has stuck by my side still…. but everyone has a point where enough is enough, and I’m afraid that I’ve pushed him to that point. Throughout my lifetime I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder and I seem to have a problem with remembering to take my meds on a consistent basis, so I’m never really “better” I don’t think…. as you would guess, this makes me a hard person to have any kind of relationship with a lot of the time…. and I don’t even mean for it to be that way. You would think that I’d have this crap under control by now, I’ll be thirty years old in June, but still I don’t. I would love to take part in dialectical behavioral therapy,  but with no groups like that offered in my area, it makes it pretty hard to do and most counselors won’t work DBT with someone solo. They want them to be a part of the group. I do believe it’s the BPD (borderline personality disorder) that screws up my relationships more than anything. I have a huge fear of being abandoned, yet I seem to push those I love the most away from me, without even realizing it or meaning to. I am a selfish person as well, once again, without meaning to be. I tend to be impulsive at times. I can be very manipulative. All of these things I do without realizing most of the time, because I’m not mindful of myself at all, not self aware, and it’s sickens me to think that I can be like this. Well, D has seen all of this. He says he’s tired of my excuses and that I don’t listen to anything he tells me, so why should he keep trying? And he’s right…. as hard as it is for me to admit, I do make excuses… a lot. I know what my problems are obviously, but I’m not doing anything to fix them, not really. He told me a couple weeks ago that he refuses to be there to watch me waste away and I don’t blame him I guess…. I don’t know though, because I always thought that’s what real friends were for, but I guess it hurts him to watch me be this way. Because slowly, I’m giving up and I have been…. no I’m not planning on killing myself, unfortunately I don’t have the nads to do that, but I have been gradually getting worse, to the point where I just don’t care about anything anymore, I hurt so bad inside and I’m so sick of trying. It’s been a constant battle in life it seems since I was a child, there’s always been something to overcome, and I’m just very tired of it I guess you’d say….. tired of life…. just plain tired. I sleep most of the time, part of me thinks my body gets so tired and shuts down because I don’t have to think about anything when I’m sleeping. He’s been watching all of this now, for a year and a half. Listening to me whine and complain about the same damn thing all the time, yet still never really doing anything about it. Even I know that no matter how much you love someone, it’s hard to watch that, to hear it, to deal with it. I’m forever asking him what’s wrong, is he mad at me, did I do something wrong, etc., etc., and he hates that, which I don’t blame him for, I see where it gets annoying, because most of the time, everything’s fine. It’s in my own mind that I think something isn’t. And I’ve done that, a lot. Freaking out because I haven’t heard from him, thinking he’s not talking to me for some bad reason, blowing things out of proportion, making up crap in my own head that isn’t even really there…. and I have no idea why I do these things!!!! He’s tried to be there to support me, to talk positive to me and at times I just kept talking negative things back to him, making it impossible to be positive with me, he’s given me all the advice he has and I haven’t taken any of it, even though it’s been good advice… he’s even offered to help me in any ways he could, including financially and I turned that down to in so many words. Then there;s my obsession with him coming to see me…. oh my God….. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve begged him to come see me, how much it drives me nuts because I want to see him so bad…. I’ve bawled my eyes out on cam with him because it’s something I want so badly, but it just can’t happen, not now anyway, and maybe never. And that is one of the hardest things for me to accept…. I don’t know if I can go on with this knowing that he’s never coming to see me. I’ve asked him to just please at least tell me if he thinks it will ever happen, and I can’t even get that. I know it bothers him to hear me hurting so bad over wanting to see him, because he feels like it’s his fault and that he’s the one hurting me…. and even though it’s related to him, I know it’s not his fault. He has a wife, a job, a life, things he can’t just leave and say ‘Oh I’m going away for a few days’…. But in ways, he could come, like when she’s gone for weeks at a time working. I can’t explain to him or anyone else why I need to see him so bad, I don’t even understand it myself, I just know in my heart that I need to and that if I did, I would feel so much better. All of these things though are becoming too much for him I believe and that’s why he has stopped talking to me like we were. He told me today that that’s why he hasn’t been around as much, because it’s always the same with me and I’m not doing anything to fix it. But I want him in my life, I can’t see it without him. He’s literally been one of the only things that’s kept me holding on. Him and my boys. I finally felt like I found someone who loves me for me no matter what…. and I’m sabotaging it I think, just like I always do. It seems I destroy everything I love and I’m tired of it. I don’t want to lose my best friend, I’m not sure my heart can take any more hurt like that. 

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3 responses »

  1. Have you ever considered pressing the enter key while typing?
    Look, no one will read until you divide your post into appropriate paragraphs.
    Right now, it looks like a cluster of random words.
    Not at all compelling me to read.
    Sorry but that’s the plain truth.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m really not worried about my format, but thanks. I’m not here to be popular, I’m here to write. Maybe I’ll try it out though. Also, I don’t edit before I hit post, I write what I’m thinking at the time, the words just come out and that’s that. I appreciate the advice though.

      Liked by 2 people

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