As I sit here trying to work on the DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) workbook that my counselor just gave me, I find myself overcome with some strong emotions and for no apparent reason that I can really see, at least, nothing that’s out of the ordinary. It’s starting to bother me, the way I’m feeling. This isn’t the first time this has happened of course, it happens quite often actually, but for some reason, today it’s bothering me a little more and I guess I felt compelled to write. I think I find something therapeutic in writing about my feelings, my life, privately or publicly, (although I must say 😉 I do like this publicly thing).
I recently started seeing my therapist again and am scheduled to see my psychiatrist for the first time since October. My therapist is deeply concerned about what he called “a deep underlying depression” that I’ve been in for awhile. He actually expressed that normally he would suggest that I be hospitalized, but because of an incident that I had in October with the head doctor (the only doctor) of the psychiatric ward in our hospital, in which said head doc/psychiatrist made me leave, my therapist was not recommending that I go. Instead I’m going to see my psychiatrist soon and continuing my therapy sessions with him, as well as doing my best to work DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) alone, since there are no groups in our area or any nearby areas. It is possible to do DBT solo with the aid of a therapist/counselor, it’s just a little harder because you don’t really have anyone to help you be accountable, things like that.
So today I’m sitting here, trying to work on this workbook, my husband is lying down, my kids have the day off of school for the second day in a row due to the weather/temperature and are being totally crazy and not listening, I’m really missing D and am wishing he would get a hold of me since it’s his day off, and I’m waiting for someone to stop by too (have I mentioned I have no patience?) Suddenly I start feeling really sad and irritable, where my attitude just becomes totally negative and I get that stinkin’ thinkin’ going on, where the negative thoughts just start rolling in, over and over again. I hate feeling like this, but I’m starting to recognize when it’s happening sooner and more often as time goes on. It’s doing something to stop it or make it less intense that I need to work on. It just really hit me today for some reason. I know I’ll be alright eventually, but for right now, it sucks. There’s just so much, so much in life that I should be doing, so much that’s messed up, so much that hurts, so much that seems unfair, but then I feel like I’m whining…. and maybe I am, but it’s how I feel.
In a perfect world, lol, I would be sitting here working on something else productive because I’d be mental illness free, but hey, it is what it is, right? Now my job is to deal with it. Also in a perfect world my kids would be listening to me, lol again, I would be married to D so I wouldn’t have to be missing him, and he’d be up helping me with the kids. Ha ha ha…. now THAT’S a dream, lol. It’s okay though, because I imagine that if that’s the way it was supposed to be, it’d be that way, and it’s not, so it must not have been right for my life for one reason or another…. then again, who knows, I could have no idea what I’m talking about.