Right Now

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Right now, I am for whatever reason, feeling very lonely, (though I am surrounded by my kids and husband), and very melancholy. There aren’t any real triggers that I can think of that happened today to cause this, nothing other than my ordinary constant thinking. I never have a blank mind, like when I ask someone to “tell me what you’re thinking right now” and they say “nothing”, I just don’t get it. I’m like, how can your mind just be blank, with no thought process consciously happening right now? Like is that even possible? Because for me, I always have something going on in the head of mine, and a lot of times I know, it’s stinkin thinkin as I call it, it is stuff that isn’t very positive, or not positive at all. I tend to dwell on the negative, even when I tell myself that I’m not going to. This is part of the reason I don’t have any friends really, is because every time I’d see or talk to them, all I’d do is bitch and complain, and one day I finally realized this and it all suddenly made sense as to why people didn’t really want to be around me. I tend to be negative. I can also be one of the most positive people I know, usually when it doesn’t have anything to do with myself. 

I hate feeling this way, because really I have no current reason to feel like this, but it happens, more often than I care for. I’m not even really sure I can put my finger on one or two exact things that are upsetting me or causing me to feel this way, it’s just an overall, general feeling that I have, if that makes sense. Sometimes I can get myself out of it, sometimes it stays with me the whole day and sometimes into the next day. My biggest thing I need to work on with this is the type of thoughts I’m having, when I catch myself having a negative thought, I need to try to replace it with a positive one. There are so many things I know I should be making myself do to get better, but I’m not, I don’t. I’m always so tired, physically and mentally. I sleep for a big part of the day and night if I can and when I am awake I feel sluggish and lethargic. I’ve been through med changes, tests, all kinds of things, and having autoimmune diseases doesn’t help. My motivation is just gone. I’m constantly thinking about all the things I should be doing, need to be doing, but not doing them. I get very frustrated because of that. 

I’m lonely in way that a woman wants a man to hold her, kiss her, pay attention to her, be positive with her, make love to her, be kind to her…. all those things and more that I don’t have. It’s been so long that I ache for it, and there’s only one person that I want in this whole world, and he surely isn’t my husband. That weighs on my heart big time all day every day. I know it sounds crazy, but I NEED to see the man I’m in love with and it drives me insane that I can’t. 

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post, so I’m going to end it now. I guess I just felt like maybe if I wrote a little it would help in making me feel a bit better and I guess it kind of did. So hey, there’s a positive, lol. Thanks for listening! 

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6 responses »

  1. I still think it’s good that you write them down and you should carry on doing so. About that man: is he real? Or is he the man you wish were there? As for the dark thoughts, yep, you need the right med for that, at least to allow you to start controlling them better,. What you saying to do is all correct, it’s just very hard until you learn to distance yourself form them and seeing those thoughts as outside you, somehow. And I wasn’t able to learn to do that by myself, to be honest. Now, with simple B12, it’s a little easier, but I went through the right drug first. You said before you are taking some, and yes they do take a while to “sink” in. Let them do their job, see how that goes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The man is real, I call him “D”, he is the man that I am absolutely and utterly in love with, but he is not my husband, my husband and I do not get along or have a good relationship of any sort, I am stuck with him for reasons I can’t get into right now, but let’s just say we’re not happy. The man “D” that I AM in love with is married as well and lives states away, and the reality is, I can never have him, but I do believe I’ll always love him. He and I talk online pretty much everyday, we cam when we can. He makes me feel fantastic and he believes in me. So yes, he’s definitely real, yet he’s more like a dream or a fantasy, because we can never be…. not the way I want us to be. He loves me, but I know he loves his wife more and that is to be expected. I take what I can get with him and even though I want more, I deal with what I got in fear I’ll lose it all. Hope that helped, lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lily, I would like you to read these words very carefully. Do not take the world literally. If someone asks “What are you thinking about”, smile and say” Nothing, what are YOU thinking about.” That takes YOU off the hook until You decide what WE are going to talk about. My old Grandma used to say to me “Billy, if you have nothing good to say, keep it to your self.” Of course we all must discuss bad things from time to time, Pick YOUR time, come to a meeting point, then have the needed discussion. I have read you for some months now, and know you posses the rightness in life, but I wonder if you know how to express it. I have been through similar issues, and the idea is to know YOU are worthy, and NOBODY has the right to demand an instant answer. Take your time, get YOUR thoughts together before you express yourself, and I think that with your brain and wit, life will work out fine! SMILE AND MEAN IT EVERY TIME YOU CAN! You are in my thoughts. Goodnight

    Liked by 2 people

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