It is going on eleven years since my mom died, April 13th, 20014, and every year I tell myself I’m going to be fine, that it’s just a date, that it’s ridiculous to get all depressed and emotional over a date, especially weeks in advance. But today I was thinking about it because of the way I’ve been feeling, (more depressed than usual, a different kind of depression almost, and just a complete I don’t care attitude about life in general). I was thinking about the pas years, and I can honestly say that at least in the years I’ve been married to my husband, which is almost eight years, I can say that I’ve noticed a change in myself that starts sometime in March and lasts through until a few days after the 13th of April. My husband even once said in a rather heated discussion I believe, that every year about a month before the day my mom died, it’s like I start to anticipate the date, almost dwelling on her death for whole month. Like I was giving myself an excuse, a reason, to be the way I was being, to be depressed and non-functional really as a mother and a wife, and the part that I hated the most, was that he was probably right in a lot of ways…. and I hated that thought, still do. But he was right I think, there is a change in me, and even though I’ve gotten better with it each year, I still struggle with that date, that time of year, and the thing is, I don’t know that that will ever change.
As it would happen, my beautiful mother died two days after Easter that year. So every year, Easter is just one more reminder of losing the person that meant the most in the world to me, the person that I loved more than anyone else on this earth, my best friend…. and that was the last holiday I ever spent with her….. with the whole family and my mom. Then two days later she was just gone in the middle of the night she left us….. I wasn’t home that night. I’ll talk about this stuff more in depth in a post I have planned for the close future. Anyway, I think all these things are triggers and this is why I’m feeling worse starting sometime in March each year and I just, I don’t know, want it to stop being so disrupting, without making it any less special in honoring the memory of my mother.
I think one thing that kind of bothers me also, is that her ashes were never once in my possession after she was cremated, they went to her husband (whom I cannot stand) and he eventually gave them up and my cousin ended up with them downstate, where she buried my mom’s ashes next to her brother’s ashes, my cousin’s dad, on a really nice little plot and a beautiful head stone for both of them. I have never been down there to see it though, as my husband doesn’t really want to take me, but that’s a different story.
Anyway, I’ve realized this, and I do think it’s something I need to work through with my therapist eventually. For the moment though, the date is steadily approaching and I’m worried…. I’m worried because I was just hospitalized in March for sever depression, I’m worried because my husband is not supportive or kind at all and my boys are too young to understand, I’m worried because it hasn’t been long enough for my meds to be working…. and I’m just so tired. So yes, I’m worried, but the sane part of me says I can do this and be fine because I’m strong even if I don’t feel like it, and the worried me laughs at the strong part. So, I’m crossing my fingers that good will win in this battle and I will make it through just fine. Try to honor her memory and deal with some feelings at the same time maybe. We’ll see I guess!!