Empty Yet Full

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An empty shell, vacant of a woman who’d once been, 

Soul lost, mindless…. Trying to stop the pain. 

She’s stopped caring about the important things, 

Her family, herself, her human condition. 

She turns everything good in her life to shit, 

Sabotaging all her relationships, familial, platonic, and romantic. 

Living in a viscous cycle that always leaves her down and depressed, 

It always comes back, the demon always welcomes himself back to her. 

So lonely, she is so terribly, achingly lonely. 

Tears don’t often come anymore, she feels as though she’s all cried out most days, 

Then there are days when the tears just flow and the agony falls down her face.

This indescribable pain inside her  heart, she just doesn’t understand, 

What must she do to fix it? Hadn’t she been praying for so long now? 

She doesn’t even try anymore, she’s giving up, slowly but surely, starting to scare herself, 

Because this time it’s real, she knows that if she lets go, it’s really gonna be it this time. 

A bleeding heart, wounded soul, broken emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, physically disabled, 

And people say she’s just having a pity party for herself, well maybe part of it is that she pity’s herself, but she knows others have it worse out there, she’s looking at just her life, being the ever so selfish woman that she is. 

A woman who’s heart aches and bleeds over the love that she will never receiver from a man. 

Most of all, she is just tired, so incredibly tired, and all she really wants is to just curl up and go to sleep and get forever lost in her dream world. 

She’s so empty, yet so full of all these feelings and emotions at the same time….. She’s a mess. 

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2 responses »

  1. I have felt like this, in these very exact words so much so it’s disquieting, many times. A couple of times I nearly never got back from it. I am happy that it is still close enough that I remember exactly how it feels, and close enough that I have to actively stop the initial thought patterns that lead me down that way. Once again I admire the lucidity with which you express it. Nevertheless, I also know that by now you may not feel like that anymore, and if you do no matter what anyone says it won’t make a difference. But it may help a little to know that if you keep talking about it, thinking about it from a distance, slowly you will be able to distance yourself from it and spin out rather than in. We listen and understand, you are not alone in feeling this, but people around you can’t do much, it’s up to you. Your faith is what to others is their meditation. Prayer is helpful. I think the turning point for me if I think very carefully was I stopped asking “why”, or at least asked it less, and started asking “how”. How do I not fix the past, but arrange for a future where I will feel less like this. My motivation was initially the kids, as you can appreciate, but now it kind of is for me too. You’ll get there 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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