It’s That Bad

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So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.

My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.

Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up. 

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7 responses »

  1. Hi Lily, the story that your poignant words say, I may try to understand you but would never actually feel the way you do. I completely understand that sometimes we need at least a slight hint that happiness is around and then we can try searching for that. And those who say that you are unhappy because you want to be that way, they are just too naive and have never experienced loss.
    I assure you, wherever your best friend is, he/she is just watching you and wishing that you laugh whole heartily and smile at the simplest of pleasures in life – the green leaves and the cool breeze. So lets carry on the war with the smile as our weapon and compassion as our shield. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Prateek, I am not sure if I made it sound like my best friend passed away or something, but that is not the case. First, he was much more than just my best friend, he was basically my lover, albeit a cyber lover, but still, the love was all the same. He was someone that I talked to almost everyday, someone who made many promises to me, including that he’d never go away n leave me. He’s married and so am I, and I knew we’d never be more than what we were on the computer. Recently though he had given me hope that we could be together, by telling me that he had to come see me, that he’d never let his wife make him choose between her n me, and he’d marry me in a heartbeat if he weren’t with her. Then, right after that, he stopped talking to me, and started seeing another woman. Now he’s divorcing his wife and he’s no longer a part of my life, and he’s with this new woman. So it’s not that he passed away, he’s not watching me and wishing for me to laugh or have any joy. He’s sitting back with his new, and very ugly woman, laughing about all that I’m going through. On top of it my husband is finally divorcing me I do believe and he’s hired lawyers to help him take both my kids. However I can still assure people who think I want to be unhappy, that that is indeed not true. You’re right, they’re naive or they’re know it all’s. I appreciate your kindness and concern very much and I thank you for all your caring words.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Whenever you feel hopelessness, always remember that day always comes after night, if there’s a road there has to be a destination. No matter how long it may seem, the bad times do get over. The sun does return. The destination will indeed be beautiful. 🙂

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  2. I’m sorry and I know how you feel too because I’ve been there myself. You can’t give up though, especially if you have kids. They need their mom. I lost a good friend, family, a lot of stuff happened this year but I am still going and that’s all you can do. I had to keep going forward for me and my son. First you need to take care of your stuff and keep moving on forward in life. You are making some progress so that’s good. Writing has always been there and I’m sure it’s something that will help you get out of this slump too. Don’t quit, keep on doing what you are doing. I wish you the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you very much for your kind words. 🙂 Writing does help me, doing this helps. I’m sure I’ll make it through tough time in my life, just as I’ve made it through all the others, it just really sucks, some days more than others. Thanks again! ❤

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