Category Archives: General

Right Now

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Right now, I am for whatever reason, feeling very lonely, (though I am surrounded by my kids and husband), and very melancholy. There aren’t any real triggers that I can think of that happened today to cause this, nothing other than my ordinary constant thinking. I never have a blank mind, like when I ask someone to “tell me what you’re thinking right now” and they say “nothing”, I just don’t get it. I’m like, how can your mind just be blank, with no thought process consciously happening right now? Like is that even possible? Because for me, I always have something going on in the head of mine, and a lot of times I know, it’s stinkin thinkin as I call it, it is stuff that isn’t very positive, or not positive at all. I tend to dwell on the negative, even when I tell myself that I’m not going to. This is part of the reason I don’t have any friends really, is because every time I’d see or talk to them, all I’d do is bitch and complain, and one day I finally realized this and it all suddenly made sense as to why people didn’t really want to be around me. I tend to be negative. I can also be one of the most positive people I know, usually when it doesn’t have anything to do with myself. 

I hate feeling this way, because really I have no current reason to feel like this, but it happens, more often than I care for. I’m not even really sure I can put my finger on one or two exact things that are upsetting me or causing me to feel this way, it’s just an overall, general feeling that I have, if that makes sense. Sometimes I can get myself out of it, sometimes it stays with me the whole day and sometimes into the next day. My biggest thing I need to work on with this is the type of thoughts I’m having, when I catch myself having a negative thought, I need to try to replace it with a positive one. There are so many things I know I should be making myself do to get better, but I’m not, I don’t. I’m always so tired, physically and mentally. I sleep for a big part of the day and night if I can and when I am awake I feel sluggish and lethargic. I’ve been through med changes, tests, all kinds of things, and having autoimmune diseases doesn’t help. My motivation is just gone. I’m constantly thinking about all the things I should be doing, need to be doing, but not doing them. I get very frustrated because of that. 

I’m lonely in way that a woman wants a man to hold her, kiss her, pay attention to her, be positive with her, make love to her, be kind to her…. all those things and more that I don’t have. It’s been so long that I ache for it, and there’s only one person that I want in this whole world, and he surely isn’t my husband. That weighs on my heart big time all day every day. I know it sounds crazy, but I NEED to see the man I’m in love with and it drives me insane that I can’t. 

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post, so I’m going to end it now. I guess I just felt like maybe if I wrote a little it would help in making me feel a bit better and I guess it kind of did. So hey, there’s a positive, lol. Thanks for listening! 

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Wow!! Thanks Again!!

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Just a short message to say thank you to my followers and readers!!!! I now have reached 43 wordpress followers and even though I’m not quite sure I get it, lol,  I have 52 email followers!!!! I’m stoked guys, really. I appreciate it so much! Even if you only come and read one article, hit the follow button and never read again, I still appreciate the fact that you came and read that one article and chose to follow me, it makes me want to write even more. As I’ve said before, I’m not here for a popularity contest, but it sure is nice to know there are people out there reading your stuff sometimes. So again, thank you so so much, I love the support! Godspeed ~ L.L. 

Thank You

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I’ve been writing this blog since December. I started this blog not because I wanted popularity or hundreds of followers, but because I wanted a place to share the things in my life that I can’t share with those I “know”. There’s something therapeutic in being able to say what you want to anonymously to everyone and anyone who reads it. I’m sure some people will judge me, and that’s okay, I knew that when I started. I’ve enjoyed writing this so far and I enjoy and appreciate the people who visit my page, read my blog posts, people who like my blog posts, those who make comments, everybody…. I appreciate it all and I want to give a big thank you to all my readers, my followers, my visitors, thanks so much! 🙂 

When You’ve Overstayed Your Welcome

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I sit here in my living room watching Blue Bloods and am getting ready to watch the episode of Empire that I missed…. but this is the first time in a week that I’ve had my living room to myself, especially in the evening. My husband’s middle nephew, who is twenty-one going on twenty-two, has been staying with us lately. Originally my husband and I talked and I said he could stay a few days…. it’s going on at least three weeks now that he’s been here more days/nights than not. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike him, he’s not a bad guy… but he’s not headed in the right direction either. He’s awaiting court right now for some stupid stuff, and he’s been in and out of trouble since he was young. His mom is something else and has raised all her kids the same way… it’s sad. I like to try to help people, but I can’t get them all the way there, they have to do a lot of it themselves, it’s that way for anybody. We’ve talked to him over and over about the decisions he was making in his life and why he didn’t want to go down that road…. but when we’re young, we often don’t listen…. hell, even when we’re old we often don’t listen. I’ve agreed to help him fill some paperwork out for state assistance with medical and food and use my computer to fill out some applications online, but he just cannot keep staying here. I was talking to him last night and I asked him if he had any plans, and he said to me, “Well I’d like to get a job, get my GED and then go to college”, smh…. I said, “No Philip, I mean any plans for what you’re gonna do now, like in the next month or two, how you’re gonna get on your feet, where you’re gonna stay.” He looks at me and serious and clueless as all get out says, “Well I thought I’d stay between nana’s and here until I can find a job and save the money to get a place.” Here I am over to the right, having a stroke. Ummm, nooooo, you will NOT stay here till you get a job, even IF you’re staying with nana sometimes. I didn’t say that to him of course, but we will, Sean and I will have to talk to him. He’s got to know that we just can’t. We have two young boys of our own and there’s really no place but the living room for him. I feel bad doing it, but I can’t help it. Sooner or later you have to learn that there isn’t always going to be someone there to save your ass, and he’s always had someone there to help him out in one way or another, even if it was temporary. He can’t control himself, he ends up screwing up, and hey, I get that, I’m one to talk for sure, I still lose control and screw up, all the time…. but his land him in jail and burning bridges, etc. There comes a time when we have to figure it out for ourselves…. I had to and I know plenty of others who’ve had to. I love him as family and I care about him, but he’s a grown man with two kids, two baby mama’s and it’s time. It’s never to late for anyone to change, but the older you get, the harder it gets, I do believe that, so it’s best he do it now. Plus, it’s just not the same having your home invaded by a foreigner, lol, “the guy on the couch” , the over stayed house guest…. it takes away a certain element of home in my eyes, but maybe that’s just me. 

I Think I May Have Ranted ;-)

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What a day…. The kids had no school due to weather. Then we had a problem with our plumbing, a big problem… stuff leaking in the basement, has to do with a toilet being backed up, my husband, one of his nephews and a the old owner who’s a friend, were over here digging up the septic, (which means they dug through all the snow first), and running a snake through the pipes, draining buckets of icky nasty disgusting stuff…. it was insane…. and it’s still not fixed!!! So tomorrow we have to get a snake that will fit down the toilet or some crap like that. (No pun intended.) I just really hope we get it fixed…. we do not and I mean do not have the money to pay for a plumber. THIS is just one of the many reasons I did not want to buy a house, but my husband insisted…. so yeah. We all need showers/baths, the boys have their Valentine’s Day parties tomorrow, plus our youngest made MVP of the week in his class so he gets to sit at a “special” table at lunch and have his parents come. PLUS they have a Valentine’s dance tomorrow night that they have to have a parent attend with them and I have outfits to find, clothes to wash, and I have no clue if I’ll be able to do anything that has to do with water!! I am freaking out!!! Not to mention…. things with D…. I don’t know what’s going on there, but they’re different. God I love him so much…. what is wrong with me!! And all I wanna do is sleep!!! It’s like the walls are closing in…. Actually, I really want to write so much more right now, but I’m so friggin tired and have so much to do tomorrow that I can’t! Oh, and it’s freezing in here! lol It’s so damn cold outside, like the arctic circle! I can feel cold air coming in on my feet when I stand at the counter in the kitchen… sad. Well, I think my little rant is done now. Thanks! 🙂