Category Archives: Giving Up

It’s That Bad

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So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.

My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.

Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up. 

My Bleeding Heart

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Broken, my wounded heart is bleeding, bruised beyond recognition, and he’s holding it in his hands; 

It feels as though he has ripped it out of my chest, with bare hands, my blood dripping down his fingers. 

This can’t be happening, this can’t be real, I keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not;

For if I were dreaming, I would not feel this God awful pain in my heart, my chest, my mind and soul, all through me; 

I cannot think straight, my mind is disobeying my commands to focus on something else, no matter how hard I try; 

My thoughts always end up going back to him, back to whatever the hell this is that’s going on right now. 

The pain and the thought of it all,the realities and everything, just keep slamming me in the face over and over; 

And I never know when it’s going to happen, they’re like surprise attacks of harsh reality and deep emotional pain. 

I never expected this, I just don’t understand, how could things go from being fine to this…. how?? 

The part I hate myself for the most, is believing that these last couple months would stay that good, even with him; 

I knew it was too good to be true, it always is, but all the things you’ve said to me, recently and past, what about that?

I had a hard time trusting in the beginning anyway, then I finally give my trust and all of me;

And once again, I’m left hurting from it… I just don’t understand… you promised you’d never go away. 

I know you are most likely hurting right now, and I realize it’s selfish of me to not show concern;

I am just so wrapped up in my own feelings and confusion over what is going on, wanting answers;

Answers I’m not getting, but I’m suppose to not act crazy… okay…. I’m scared that I’ve lost you.

My mind is in total chaos mode, I literally cannot think straight, I can’t complete tasks correctly, I can’t focus; 

I literally ache inside constantly, aching for you, just to hear from you even, but especially to know what’s up. 

I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s right that you won’t tell me, you told your wife about us;

That much I did get at least, but what does that mean dammit, why did you tell her, what is going on;

Does this mean that the you and I that just so recently existed is going to be nothing now, over with; 

Will I lose you too, just as I have lost all those in my life that I have loved either by death or separation? 

All the promises you made me, like how you’d never go away, that we’d always be friends and you’d never give up on me;

Promises to see me, telling me you loved me, and that you’d never chose between us, there’s so much more than just this.

Every good thing you said to me, I’ve believed, I’ve always taken your word for everything, never questioning you; 

I’m sorry that I’m still not better after a year and a half, trust that I want to be and it hurts to know you feel that way. 

Every time you told me you were proud of me, it was more inspiration to work at this harder, I wanted to make you proud;

I know my progress has been slow, but I have made some, and that’s definitely better than none. 

Come back to me my best friend, please speak to me and explain, tell me what is going on with you and us; 

Help me to understand why all this is happening please, I know I have said selfish things, but please don’t stop talking to me;

Everyone always leaves, everything good in my life turns to shit, everyone always gives up on me, get tired of me;

And I can’t blame them, I’m a mess, crazy, too much to handle, I ruin everything good in my life, that’s truth.