Category Archives: Happy

It’s That Bad

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So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.

My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.

Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up. 

Thank You Opinionated Man!

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I just want to write a short thank you to Opinionated Man, writer of Harsh Reality. Thank you for all the support and thank you for directing traffic/readers to my blog posts, my blog. Being new on here, I am still learning the ropes, I don’t completely understand it all, but I’m trying. I try to read as many blogs as I can. Through my whole blogging experience though, you Opinionated Man, have always read my work, commented on it, liked it, given me advice, and helped direct readers to my blog…. I appreciate that more than you know and if there’s ever anything I can ever do for you, just give me a shout out. Thank you so much again! And thank you to ALL my readers and followers!!! I appreciate the love more than you know! 

Wow!! Thanks Again!!

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Just a short message to say thank you to my followers and readers!!!! I now have reached 43 wordpress followers and even though I’m not quite sure I get it, lol,  I have 52 email followers!!!! I’m stoked guys, really. I appreciate it so much! Even if you only come and read one article, hit the follow button and never read again, I still appreciate the fact that you came and read that one article and chose to follow me, it makes me want to write even more. As I’ve said before, I’m not here for a popularity contest, but it sure is nice to know there are people out there reading your stuff sometimes. So again, thank you so so much, I love the support! Godspeed ~ L.L.