Category Archives: Home Life

I Need Help!!

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My husband and I bought a home on land contract in the beginning of October of last year (2014). It’s a beautiful house and it doesn’t appear to have anything wrong with it, (except for a plumbing/septic issue we had recently), it’s also on 2.3 acres of land and it’s out in the country pretty much. We’re like nine miles from the edge of town. I like the house. It’s the nicest home I’ve ever lived in, (with the exception of a year and a half in my grandpa’s home when I was 17/18). There’s plenty of room for my husband, myself and our two boys. And it’s definitely a huge move up from what we were in before this, a two bedroom basement apartment with one window, underneath a tanning salon on a main highway. It was awful and my depression really took a turn for the worst down there for three years. Then we got the opportunity to get this place, this beautiful home, and we got it.

“What’s the problem?” you’re probably thinking, I know. But the problem is this…. since we moved in in the beginning of October of last year, I have literally only unpacked one of the bathrooms and that is it…. My husband has unpacked some, dishes, towels, etc., but our two car garage is filled from front to back with boxes of our stuff. Our front porch which is enclosed and is like a separate, unheated room, is filled with boxes, and of course, we have some boxes inside the house too. It’s insane…. and wouldn’t you know, none of those boxes are packed in an organized manner. There are very few that have what is in them written on the outside of the box, other than that, it’s a surprise. All of these boxes have to be gone through  and sorted, sorted into trash, stuff we’re keeping, stuff we’re taking to our flea mkt. booth, stuff we’re donating, etc. It’s completely overwhelming. Not only that, the house needs to be deep cleaned already, walls washed down in certain areas, the whole nine yards, and of course there’s your daily stuff like dishes and laundry and whatnot. 

Sadly however, all I want to do is sleep for the most part. When I’m not sleeping I’m either on the computer or I’m doing nothing really, nothing productive anyway. The hardest part besides always being tired is that I seriously have no motivation, no energy. I don’t know anymore…. life is so overwhelming in so many ways and I just get so sick of it all. I feel like a failure as a mom, as a wife, as an adult, as person in general. I can’t even handle “life”, like the regular everyday life things…. everything overwhelms me, or I just don’t want to do anything and I think, “What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I always like this? Where are you God? What am I going to do?” I hate it. I hate being the way I am, and people say, “Well then don’t be that way”, yeah well, that is much easier said than done for most people let me tell you…. It often takes a lot of work to “change” the way you are. I have begun the steps of trying to feel better, but I fear it is going to be a long and often difficult process, but I know it is one I need to follow through with. 

Meanwhile, my home is in boxes. It needs to be cleaned. It’s going to start looking like a bunch of slobs live here pretty soon. I have to do something, but I don’t even know where to start. The though of it all completely overwhelms me. I know I need to just pick a spot and jump in, but it’s easier said than done, especially when you really don’t want to do anything at all. My plan is to force myself to do a little bit everyday, and if I do more on some days, great, and if I do less on some days, that’s okay to, as long as I get something done each day. So we’ll see how it goes. I think I can handle at least one thing each day 😉 It just sucks because this is not how I want things to be. 

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When You’ve Overstayed Your Welcome

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I sit here in my living room watching Blue Bloods and am getting ready to watch the episode of Empire that I missed…. but this is the first time in a week that I’ve had my living room to myself, especially in the evening. My husband’s middle nephew, who is twenty-one going on twenty-two, has been staying with us lately. Originally my husband and I talked and I said he could stay a few days…. it’s going on at least three weeks now that he’s been here more days/nights than not. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike him, he’s not a bad guy… but he’s not headed in the right direction either. He’s awaiting court right now for some stupid stuff, and he’s been in and out of trouble since he was young. His mom is something else and has raised all her kids the same way… it’s sad. I like to try to help people, but I can’t get them all the way there, they have to do a lot of it themselves, it’s that way for anybody. We’ve talked to him over and over about the decisions he was making in his life and why he didn’t want to go down that road…. but when we’re young, we often don’t listen…. hell, even when we’re old we often don’t listen. I’ve agreed to help him fill some paperwork out for state assistance with medical and food and use my computer to fill out some applications online, but he just cannot keep staying here. I was talking to him last night and I asked him if he had any plans, and he said to me, “Well I’d like to get a job, get my GED and then go to college”, smh…. I said, “No Philip, I mean any plans for what you’re gonna do now, like in the next month or two, how you’re gonna get on your feet, where you’re gonna stay.” He looks at me and serious and clueless as all get out says, “Well I thought I’d stay between nana’s and here until I can find a job and save the money to get a place.” Here I am over to the right, having a stroke. Ummm, nooooo, you will NOT stay here till you get a job, even IF you’re staying with nana sometimes. I didn’t say that to him of course, but we will, Sean and I will have to talk to him. He’s got to know that we just can’t. We have two young boys of our own and there’s really no place but the living room for him. I feel bad doing it, but I can’t help it. Sooner or later you have to learn that there isn’t always going to be someone there to save your ass, and he’s always had someone there to help him out in one way or another, even if it was temporary. He can’t control himself, he ends up screwing up, and hey, I get that, I’m one to talk for sure, I still lose control and screw up, all the time…. but his land him in jail and burning bridges, etc. There comes a time when we have to figure it out for ourselves…. I had to and I know plenty of others who’ve had to. I love him as family and I care about him, but he’s a grown man with two kids, two baby mama’s and it’s time. It’s never to late for anyone to change, but the older you get, the harder it gets, I do believe that, so it’s best he do it now. Plus, it’s just not the same having your home invaded by a foreigner, lol, “the guy on the couch” , the over stayed house guest…. it takes away a certain element of home in my eyes, but maybe that’s just me.