My heart is so broken right now. I just want to fall off the face of the earth. He’s done the one thing he said he’d never do to me. He went away. He promised me he’d never go away like everyone else, and he did. After all the bullshit he fed me about how he loved me and would be with me in a heartbeat if he could, he left his wife finally, but not for me…. for someone else. Someone he’s know for a month. I’ve wasted almost two years of my life on the internet with him, two years of thinking about him constantly, all to have my heart shattered, ripped out and stomped on. But, I guess it serves me right for having an “internet affair” on my husband. This new girl actually emailed me pics of herself, smh, the fact that she’s ugly only hurts more. I’d have rather her been beautiful, at least I could see why maybe a little better. Right now, I don’t care about life. I want to cut so bad and death is my wish upon a star. I do these things to myself, bring pain into my life by my choices. I constantly fuck up. FML, fuck it real good.
So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.
My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.
Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up.
I hate that this hurts so much, I hate that I’m letting it get me even farther down than I already was, but I just can’t seem to help it. You told me from the beginning that you’d always be here, that you wouldn’t leave me like everyone else has. You told me you believed in me and that we could walk this journey together, even if not physically together. You know all the hurt that I’ve been through, all the struggles. I believed everything you ever told me, even when my instinct from being hurt so much told me not to. I’ve loved you with every ounce of love I had to give. You have my heart completely, yet you’re breaking it into a million pieces. You’ve shut me out. Refusing to talk to me. You call me selfish for being so upset because you won’t talk to me about what’s going on, but what do you expect? How am I supposed to react? I’ve been so worried about you, so worried you’re going to do something crazy. I know you don’t want your marriage to end, or at least I don’t think so. I don’t want it to either because that means you being unhappy and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I’m so angry at you right now, I just can’t believe you’d do this to me. You have to know how badly you are hurting me and yet you still won’t just talk to me. The texts we do share are short, you don’t say much and you haven’t been very nice. I’m pretty sure that if I haven’t lost you yet, I’m going to. My calls all forwarded immediately. I just wish that you would be big enough to tell me that you don’t want me in your life anymore and why maybe, but at least tell me, don’t just ignore me and shut me out. I’m starting to wonder if you were ever who I really thought you were in the first place.
You’re hurting me and you don’t even seem to care. I feel like everything has been a lie this whole time. You were supposed to be my best friend. You said you believed in me, you loved me, that you’d always be there and you’d never leave me like everyone else. It all must have been just words though, because you’ve shut me out so tight I can barely see through a crack. Answering me in small sentences and one word answers on the rare occasions you do talk to me. And now you’ve got me wondering if you’re actually seeing someone else and you refuse to answer me when I ask. WTF is that?? Hasn’t our time meant anything?? Three weeks ago you said you’d marry me in a heartbeat if situations were different, so what IS this?? Why do you insist on hurting me…. I can’t take this kind of hurt again, you are killing me inside…. I don’t even care anymore.
Broken, my wounded heart is bleeding, bruised beyond recognition, and he’s holding it in his hands;
It feels as though he has ripped it out of my chest, with bare hands, my blood dripping down his fingers.
This can’t be happening, this can’t be real, I keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not;
For if I were dreaming, I would not feel this God awful pain in my heart, my chest, my mind and soul, all through me;
I cannot think straight, my mind is disobeying my commands to focus on something else, no matter how hard I try;
My thoughts always end up going back to him, back to whatever the hell this is that’s going on right now.
The pain and the thought of it all,the realities and everything, just keep slamming me in the face over and over;
And I never know when it’s going to happen, they’re like surprise attacks of harsh reality and deep emotional pain.
I never expected this, I just don’t understand, how could things go from being fine to this…. how??
The part I hate myself for the most, is believing that these last couple months would stay that good, even with him;
I knew it was too good to be true, it always is, but all the things you’ve said to me, recently and past, what about that?
I had a hard time trusting in the beginning anyway, then I finally give my trust and all of me;
And once again, I’m left hurting from it… I just don’t understand… you promised you’d never go away.
I know you are most likely hurting right now, and I realize it’s selfish of me to not show concern;
I am just so wrapped up in my own feelings and confusion over what is going on, wanting answers;
Answers I’m not getting, but I’m suppose to not act crazy… okay…. I’m scared that I’ve lost you.
My mind is in total chaos mode, I literally cannot think straight, I can’t complete tasks correctly, I can’t focus;
I literally ache inside constantly, aching for you, just to hear from you even, but especially to know what’s up.
I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s right that you won’t tell me, you told your wife about us;
That much I did get at least, but what does that mean dammit, why did you tell her, what is going on;
Does this mean that the you and I that just so recently existed is going to be nothing now, over with;
Will I lose you too, just as I have lost all those in my life that I have loved either by death or separation?
All the promises you made me, like how you’d never go away, that we’d always be friends and you’d never give up on me;
Promises to see me, telling me you loved me, and that you’d never chose between us, there’s so much more than just this.
Every good thing you said to me, I’ve believed, I’ve always taken your word for everything, never questioning you;
I’m sorry that I’m still not better after a year and a half, trust that I want to be and it hurts to know you feel that way.
Every time you told me you were proud of me, it was more inspiration to work at this harder, I wanted to make you proud;
I know my progress has been slow, but I have made some, and that’s definitely better than none.
Come back to me my best friend, please speak to me and explain, tell me what is going on with you and us;
Help me to understand why all this is happening please, I know I have said selfish things, but please don’t stop talking to me;
Everyone always leaves, everything good in my life turns to shit, everyone always gives up on me, get tired of me;
And I can’t blame them, I’m a mess, crazy, too much to handle, I ruin everything good in my life, that’s truth.
It has occurred to me that I am now following over one hundred blogs, and I started thinking to myself, exactly how many of those hundred plus blogs do I actually read and on a regular basis…. the truth is, sadly, not many, I just don’t have time to read them all…. I have kids and a family and my own blog to try and keep up with as best I can. I wish that I could read a post from every blog I follow, every day, but I’m not sure that’s possible, lol. So anyway, I decided that with Spring here and all, I’d start weeding out those blogs that I don’t read, that don’t appeal to me, etc. I’ve decided to go through all the blogs that I follow and read their about page first, then read a post or two by them, if I like it, I’ll keep them on my “blogs I follow” list, if not, I’ll be taking them off.
This is not meant to offend anyone, whatsoever, so I truly hope no one will have any harsh feelings, it’s just that I feel if I’m going to have an enjoyable experience on here, not only writing, but reading too, I might as well be reading about things that I’m interested in or can relate to, or stuff I just like. I’m sure everyone wants their wordpress to be tailor fitted to them. Anyway, I’m not going to defend myself anyway, but I guess that’s just how I am, lol.
I am delving into my blogging world right now to try and keep my mind off of the real world that is going on around me, because I don’t want to deal with the pain and the truth of what is really happening right now. I feel like I’m losing the other half to me, as though I’ve been cut in two. The sadness and confusion and anger and not understanding are so great it’s unbearable. So I have to put my mind into something, even if it’s blogging. At least at helps me to not thing about all the hurt for the time being, for the moments that I’m writing. All I want right now is for everything in my life to go back to the way it was a week ago, back to before things changed in his mind. The hardest part of this all is the not responding to me no matter how often I text or email him or I’ve even went as far as to call him a few times and yes I know I sound obsessed about it and I guess maybe I am, but I don’t understand why he’d just quit talking to me with no nothing. Especially after the way the last month or two has been, we’ve been a lot closer. Now all of a sudden, nothing. I realize he could have a totally legit reason, and I honest to God pray that he does, and that it’s not, his feelings about me have changed, we can’t do this anymore, what we’ve been doing is wrong, I love my wife and want to fix things with her and can’t do that with our relationship too, etc. etc., Idk, stuff like that. And how terrible do I sound because really those are all the right things he should say… but I don’t want him too. I want him to say that he wants to keep what we’ve had the last year and a half, that he does love me, and that he meant it when he said I was a part of him now, and the other things he’s said. At least one of those things even.
So now for the next several days maybe, I will be going through all the blogs I follow and doing what I said above, weeding through them. It’s not a popularity contest, lol, who I am, just some random blogger. If you still choose to follow my blog even though I don’t follow yours, I truly appreciate that and it means a lot. I will also be doing my best to get more posts in as I’m doing all this. Thank you to all my supporters, followers, and especially readers, you rock!! 🙂
It’s been two days now, two friggin days since I’ve talked to D and I don’t understand what’s going on, he never does this to me. I always usually hear from him at least once in a day, even if it’s just a short text or email. At least then I know he’s okay. Finally last night he did text me to tell me sorry for not contacting me sooner, that it’d been a long day and then he told me good night later on, so okay, I heard from him then, and that was relieving, but another whole day has gone by and I have not heard from him again, despite attempted efforts to get a hold of him, including calling him from my home phone WITH my husband home!!
The part that confuses me so much is that D and I have had an amazing last few weeks to month. We’re weren’t even able to cam with each other the whole time, but it’s still been great. He has expressed his love to me more now than ever before as far as verbally goes, and that has completely rocked my world. He’s said things that I’ve only dreamed of him saying and I have been elated because of it. He’s also been going through a tough time of his own, and I have tried to be there for him as much as I can, the best way I know how, and I know he appreciates that. This is why I don’t understand why he’s pretty much gone awol the last two days. Like I have no idea what’s going on, and maybe it’s not my business, I don’t know, but I wish if that were the case he’d at least say it.
I guess I just feel like, if you know it’s going to relieve your loved ones mind, what is it really to take a minute or less out of your time to send a quick message, just to say I’m okay even. Instead I go the whole day with this sick feeling in my stomach, wondering what’s going on with him and if he’s okay, thinking how much I want to be able to be there if he does need someone, also wondering if it’s something that I’ve done, and if so, what is it. My mind goes in a million different directions. I know a lot of people would say that I’m worrying too much about this, reading too much into it, upset over nothing, and maybe I am, but it sure sucks feeling this way. I feel like a crazed loon. Obsessed, and maybe I am, who knows.
We just had a conversation about this and how it drives me nuts because I worry so much when I don’t hear from him, which is I guess why he finally texted me last night, but still. I feel so immature for feeling this way at nearly thirty years old, especially when I’m married to another man, and the man I’m in love with is married to another woman. When the hell did my life become this? It’s like a soap opera in ways, no? Yet I find that as hard as I try to rid myself of feelings I shouldn’t have, the harder they come flooding in and I feel them even more intensely. I can’t push this man from my heart or my mind, and frankly, I don’t want to as bad as that may be. For me, he is it. I want no one else including my spouse. That is sad in many ways and bad on my part I know, but it is what it is. Anyway, I just wish D would let me know what’s going on, so I know, so I know whether or not it’s me, something I did, or if it’s him and something else in his life. I just want to know and help if I can. I wish he realized how upset and frustrated it makes me when he doesn’t get in touch with me, and maybe he does know but for whatever reason still doesn’t, I don’t know. So, fingers crossed that I hear something tonight again.
I do not like jealousy, especially when it’s me who’s jealous. I HATE that feeling…. it truly is a green eyed monster. I’ve been jealous before, don’t get me wrong, but this particular jealousy, it will eat me up if I don’t do something to try and cope with it now. I just don’t know what is that I can do to make it go away. I guess I should start by saying that the reason I’m talking about this right now is because D is on a trip with his wife, somewhere up in Canada. I know that I should NOT be jealous…. he isn’t technically my man. Despite the fact that we have a connection, a bond, like none other I’ve ever experienced, including with my husband, he is not my husband or my boyfriend, so I have no right to have ill feelings about him taking a little vacation with her. She’s gone a lot because of her job, sometimes being gone for weeks, and I know he misses her so much during those times, so really, technically (there’s that word again), they need and deserve this trip. Plus he works long hours at a job he hates, so yes, he deserves this. Yet for some stupid and horrible reason, the though of it eats me up inside…. it hurts my heart…. and it’s stupid! Because I knew when we started talking that we would never be anything more than what we are now, and neither one of us are really even sure what that is…. what exactly you call this. It’s not like a traditional man/woman relationship because we both have spouses/family’s, responsibilities to those families, we can’t “be together”, what he have is on here – the computer I mean…. yet it has felt to me for the past year and a half more like a true relationship than the marriage I’m in now and any other relationship I’d had in the past. So I’ve always known, and accepted that we will never be together. This trip thing though…. I don’t know…. when he told me he was going, I was instantly disappointed, jealous, upset, and unsure of why all at the same time. I felt terrible. All I could do is say, Oh…. Really? I think part of these feelings I’m having come from the fact that I’m in a miserable marriage that is failing more and more everyday it seems, and when I say there truly is nothing that can fix it besides the Lord, I mean it with all my heart. I do not love him like a wife loves her husband, not anymore. He is not attractive to me in any kind of way. I feel terrible about all this too, I struggle with it constantly. I try to make myself start feeling that way again, and sometimes it starts to work and he’s nice back, but by the end of the day, something has ruined it, we’ve gotten angry with each other or argued or something like that. We have not had actual penetrating intercourse in about two and a half years and he doesn’t touch me very often anymore, which kind of doesn’t matter, because I have to force myself to do things with him in the first place. I have to close my eyes and imagine D. So as you can see, my relationship with my husband pretty much sucks. And so I think that part of my bad feelings toward D and his wife doing stuff together, even little things, just the thought of them together period, it makes me so friggin green with envy, jealousy and I think it’s partly because I don’t have that in my marriage, and I probably never will…. they do, and they probably always will…. and no matter how much he tells me he loves me, I’ll never be her… I’ll never be first, I’ll never matter more…. she’ll always be number one, as it is supposed to be with your spouse. She’s the one he lays down with at night in bed…. she’s the one he makes love to. she’s the one that gets to touch him, kiss him…. all the things that I don’t get to do but yet long to so so bad. I get so frustrated because after all we’ve/I’ve been through this last year and a half almost that we’ve been talking…. the one thing I keep begging him and asking him to do for me it to just PLEASE come see me…. please come and make love to me, let me see you, let me see your real, to touch his body to feel his skin beneath my fingers…. all of it and more. It’s not just sex that I want to see him for (although that’d be beyond awesome), it’s just about seeing him, just once, meeting him in person….. I NEED this, and I’ve told him over and over again. that if he would just come, if he would do this one thing for me, he has no idea how much better I’ll feel and be afterward. I don’t think he believes me though. I even spoke to a counselor I was seeing about it, and he actually agreed that I need to see D, that way I can start dealing with my feelings for him and what to do. It is terrible someday’s, it’s like I am literally obsessed with him coming to see me. It’s all I can think about most days, even when I’m think of other things he’s there in the back of my mind. I bug him about it all the time. I can’t help it, seriously….. I just don’t get it, I get so frustrated…. WHY!? won’t he take a couple days and travel the 15 hrs. to get here and come see me, just for a few hours, we both know I couldn’t be too long but I could stay long enough. If his wife is gone and she won’t be back for a couple weeks or so, then WHY? He gets three days in a row off every other weekend…. he could take Monday off…. I’ve actually sat and thought and planned all this…. How fucking pathetic and creepy creeper like is THAT? I mean seriously. He knows how much I have going on in my life, he knows how terrible I’m feeling and have been feeling for the last couple years….. I’ve told him a million times that I can’t explain it, but him coming to see me would end all this craziness, that I can’t explain how I know or why, but it’s what I feel. Anyway, yes, I’m jealous…. I’m human too? I just wish he’d realize, she gets him for the rest of their lives…. I don’t. I get him when he can be with me online or on cam. So why is trip to see me such a big deal?? *sigh* I’m hurting….. really bad. Not just about this either, other things too, but I’m not gonna write about those tonight. I sometimes just wish I’d get over him…. but then I can’t picture my life without him. Idk…..
I find myself feeling very angry and upset tonight, which really isn’t anything new, but still…. tonight’s a little different. During my teenage years, like from age 12 on up to at least 21, I had a group of several female friends that I hung it with all or most of the time… there were brief periods when I strayed in my crazy ways and went to other nearby towns for months on end, but for the most part, these chica’s were it. For privacy sake we shall call them N, M1, M2, and S. There were more of course, but they were in and out, or off and on, whichever way you wanna say it. N, M1, M2, S and me though, we were always there. I considered these girls my best friends. I knew I was the outcast, I always had been an outcast, even in elementary school. I started have sex at age twelve and had a pretty rotten reputation by like eighth grade, so yeah, I guess it may have been hard for these girls to remain friends with me, because of the things people said about me, etc. Yet we still remained friends, although I knew that the only truly loyal friend out of the bunch was N. The rest talked about me behind my back even though I knew it, and they often did mean and ugly things to me, but I stayed around…. no one wants to be “friendless”, even if really they are. I always just wanted them to like me. Anyway, even as we got older and I moved away a few times, I still remained in contact and “friends” with these few ladies, particularly N. As the years have gone by and most of us have reached our thirties, with the exception of me, but I will this year, I have lost touch with these girls, all except N. So, facebook of course is wonderful for catching up with old pals. I’m “friends” with all the girls from the old group, but one, M2. At one time we had bee, and then one day I noticed we weren’t. I’ve sent her several friend requests and messages since then, and never got a reply, so tonight I decided to ask N to ask about it for me. Well…. let me tell you, I got a message from miss M2 that I did not expect. She proceeded to tell me how we were never really good friends that mutual friends was all that ever connected us and that’s just not a strong enough tie for her, and that she’s removed people who willingly allow negativity into their lives from hers and a bunch of other shit. She, who is no better than I am, because I’m sorry, no one is better than anyone else. She is also a recovering addict, she who is just not perfect, and she who knows damn well that we were friends. I don’t know what her problem is, and I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but damn it, it does. I just felt like, who the hell does she think she is? A simple I just don’t wanna talk to you would’ve sufficed. She even said that she didn’t want to have to type these hurtful words to me but since her not being my internet buddy seems so important, she’s been forced to. I don’t know…. between that and finding out that D will not be around at all this weekend because he and his wife are taking a little vacation…. plus fighting with Sean too…. and having headaches for a week straight…. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I know one thing’s for sure…. when it comes to D, I need to get some professional help, but that’s a whole other blog post.