I hate that this hurts so much, I hate that I’m letting it get me even farther down than I already was, but I just can’t seem to help it. You told me from the beginning that you’d always be here, that you wouldn’t leave me like everyone else has. You told me you believed in me and that we could walk this journey together, even if not physically together. You know all the hurt that I’ve been through, all the struggles. I believed everything you ever told me, even when my instinct from being hurt so much told me not to. I’ve loved you with every ounce of love I had to give. You have my heart completely, yet you’re breaking it into a million pieces. You’ve shut me out. Refusing to talk to me. You call me selfish for being so upset because you won’t talk to me about what’s going on, but what do you expect? How am I supposed to react? I’ve been so worried about you, so worried you’re going to do something crazy. I know you don’t want your marriage to end, or at least I don’t think so. I don’t want it to either because that means you being unhappy and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I’m so angry at you right now, I just can’t believe you’d do this to me. You have to know how badly you are hurting me and yet you still won’t just talk to me. The texts we do share are short, you don’t say much and you haven’t been very nice. I’m pretty sure that if I haven’t lost you yet, I’m going to. My calls all forwarded immediately. I just wish that you would be big enough to tell me that you don’t want me in your life anymore and why maybe, but at least tell me, don’t just ignore me and shut me out. I’m starting to wonder if you were ever who I really thought you were in the first place.
Broken, my wounded heart is bleeding, bruised beyond recognition, and he’s holding it in his hands;
It feels as though he has ripped it out of my chest, with bare hands, my blood dripping down his fingers.
This can’t be happening, this can’t be real, I keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not;
For if I were dreaming, I would not feel this God awful pain in my heart, my chest, my mind and soul, all through me;
I cannot think straight, my mind is disobeying my commands to focus on something else, no matter how hard I try;
My thoughts always end up going back to him, back to whatever the hell this is that’s going on right now.
The pain and the thought of it all,the realities and everything, just keep slamming me in the face over and over;
And I never know when it’s going to happen, they’re like surprise attacks of harsh reality and deep emotional pain.
I never expected this, I just don’t understand, how could things go from being fine to this…. how??
The part I hate myself for the most, is believing that these last couple months would stay that good, even with him;
I knew it was too good to be true, it always is, but all the things you’ve said to me, recently and past, what about that?
I had a hard time trusting in the beginning anyway, then I finally give my trust and all of me;
And once again, I’m left hurting from it… I just don’t understand… you promised you’d never go away.
I know you are most likely hurting right now, and I realize it’s selfish of me to not show concern;
I am just so wrapped up in my own feelings and confusion over what is going on, wanting answers;
Answers I’m not getting, but I’m suppose to not act crazy… okay…. I’m scared that I’ve lost you.
My mind is in total chaos mode, I literally cannot think straight, I can’t complete tasks correctly, I can’t focus;
I literally ache inside constantly, aching for you, just to hear from you even, but especially to know what’s up.
I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s right that you won’t tell me, you told your wife about us;
That much I did get at least, but what does that mean dammit, why did you tell her, what is going on;
Does this mean that the you and I that just so recently existed is going to be nothing now, over with;
Will I lose you too, just as I have lost all those in my life that I have loved either by death or separation?
All the promises you made me, like how you’d never go away, that we’d always be friends and you’d never give up on me;
Promises to see me, telling me you loved me, and that you’d never chose between us, there’s so much more than just this.
Every good thing you said to me, I’ve believed, I’ve always taken your word for everything, never questioning you;
I’m sorry that I’m still not better after a year and a half, trust that I want to be and it hurts to know you feel that way.
Every time you told me you were proud of me, it was more inspiration to work at this harder, I wanted to make you proud;
I know my progress has been slow, but I have made some, and that’s definitely better than none.
Come back to me my best friend, please speak to me and explain, tell me what is going on with you and us;
Help me to understand why all this is happening please, I know I have said selfish things, but please don’t stop talking to me;
Everyone always leaves, everything good in my life turns to shit, everyone always gives up on me, get tired of me;
And I can’t blame them, I’m a mess, crazy, too much to handle, I ruin everything good in my life, that’s truth.
It’s been two days now, two friggin days since I’ve talked to D and I don’t understand what’s going on, he never does this to me. I always usually hear from him at least once in a day, even if it’s just a short text or email. At least then I know he’s okay. Finally last night he did text me to tell me sorry for not contacting me sooner, that it’d been a long day and then he told me good night later on, so okay, I heard from him then, and that was relieving, but another whole day has gone by and I have not heard from him again, despite attempted efforts to get a hold of him, including calling him from my home phone WITH my husband home!!
The part that confuses me so much is that D and I have had an amazing last few weeks to month. We’re weren’t even able to cam with each other the whole time, but it’s still been great. He has expressed his love to me more now than ever before as far as verbally goes, and that has completely rocked my world. He’s said things that I’ve only dreamed of him saying and I have been elated because of it. He’s also been going through a tough time of his own, and I have tried to be there for him as much as I can, the best way I know how, and I know he appreciates that. This is why I don’t understand why he’s pretty much gone awol the last two days. Like I have no idea what’s going on, and maybe it’s not my business, I don’t know, but I wish if that were the case he’d at least say it.
I guess I just feel like, if you know it’s going to relieve your loved ones mind, what is it really to take a minute or less out of your time to send a quick message, just to say I’m okay even. Instead I go the whole day with this sick feeling in my stomach, wondering what’s going on with him and if he’s okay, thinking how much I want to be able to be there if he does need someone, also wondering if it’s something that I’ve done, and if so, what is it. My mind goes in a million different directions. I know a lot of people would say that I’m worrying too much about this, reading too much into it, upset over nothing, and maybe I am, but it sure sucks feeling this way. I feel like a crazed loon. Obsessed, and maybe I am, who knows.
We just had a conversation about this and how it drives me nuts because I worry so much when I don’t hear from him, which is I guess why he finally texted me last night, but still. I feel so immature for feeling this way at nearly thirty years old, especially when I’m married to another man, and the man I’m in love with is married to another woman. When the hell did my life become this? It’s like a soap opera in ways, no? Yet I find that as hard as I try to rid myself of feelings I shouldn’t have, the harder they come flooding in and I feel them even more intensely. I can’t push this man from my heart or my mind, and frankly, I don’t want to as bad as that may be. For me, he is it. I want no one else including my spouse. That is sad in many ways and bad on my part I know, but it is what it is. Anyway, I just wish D would let me know what’s going on, so I know, so I know whether or not it’s me, something I did, or if it’s him and something else in his life. I just want to know and help if I can. I wish he realized how upset and frustrated it makes me when he doesn’t get in touch with me, and maybe he does know but for whatever reason still doesn’t, I don’t know. So, fingers crossed that I hear something tonight again.
I’m really missing him. We haven’t been talking as much lately. I’m upset with him if you wanna know the truth. I realize his wife is home and he has to be careful, but you know what, my husband is home most of the time and I still cam with him. I take that risk, the risk of having my husband walk out when I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be doing. I cam with him when my family is home, my kids. Now I know that he does the same with me too sometimes. He cams with me when she’s home, but definitely not as often lately. I know she caught him on a site that he shouldn’t have been on, but that’s not my fault….. he has two women that are madly in love with him, why does he need to look at other women? So now he has to be extra careful, and I’m suffering from it. He’s not on instant messenger as often any more, and you know what, neither am I. I’m too tired to sit there and hope that he comes along. He knows how much I love him, or at least I would hope he does by now. It’s just that I don’t know how much longer I can go wondering if he’s ever going to come see me. I realize what kind of a risk it is, and I realize that it’s not easy financially, but he’s in a much better position than I am when it comes to all that. She leaves for weeks at a time for her job, so why couldn’t he come for a day?? It takes fifteen hours to get here, I know that’s a long trip, but what we have, to me, if worth a million hours if that’s what it took to get there. If I had the money and I didn’t have kids, I’d drop everything to go see him. I just want ONE time with him, just once. No one can seem to understand that, they say things like, “Oh well you’d want it again after that, you’d want to see him again, it’d just make it worse”, and I feel like screaming at people to just shut the fuck up because yes IT would help, and no it WOULDN’T make it worse, this is what I NEED to make all this better, to make this craziness that feel inside over him go away finally. So I can breathe without D for once. This is getting to be too much. My heart hurts so bad. The one thing I want most, I cannot have, and I feel like it’s killing me inside, slowly, bit by bit, day by day. People ask me why I’m depressed, even when Sean and I are doing a little better I’m still depressed, and it’s because all I can do is think of D, think of another man. I’m depressed in part, in big part, because all I can think of is being held by the man I truly love…. not the one I’m married to. That is not right. My mind and my body are just so exhausted and I’m tired of the pain, from everything. Some days I’m sure it’s all too much.
The pain of being in love with someone that you know you’ll never have, it can sometimes be incapacitating, for me anyway. I find myself waiting around my computer all the time, most hours of the day, when I’m not sleeping, which is something I do a lot of, but that’s a whole other story. I already have depression issues and motivation problems. I don’t take care of the things I should be, like normal housework and family responsibilities. I think about this man literally 24/7 and I don’t know what to do about it. A couple of the very few people who know, they tell me to just let him go…. but I can’t do that. It would be the last straw before I finally broke I think if I lost him. It gets so bad sometimes, so bad that I feel like I just can’t take it anymore, like I want to scream and cry, crawl the walls…. hating the fact that there’s nothing I can do to get to him. I’d never be able to. A flight would cost WAY more money than I could ever dream of somehow saving, and I couldn’t drive because it’s my husband’s vehicle, not mine technically and it’s the only one we have… plus gas would be almost as expensive as flying, and a bus, well it cost a bunch too. Plus I could never just leave…. my husband would never allow me back if I just took off, and I’m not allowed to go places on my own. I think about it though. I beg D to come see me all the time. I know it’s not just that easy for him either…. but damn it, it’s easier for him than it is me, at least his wife is out of town on work for weeks at a time….. My heart hurts so bad all the time. The only thing I can ever see fixing this craziness I have for him, is being able to physically see him, touch him, be wrapped in his arms….. I feel like something is wrong with me because of the way I feel, because it’s all I seem to ever think about, it seems like in one way or another I’m always thinking of him. I get depressed about the whole situation, and I cry…. not because of anything he’s done to me, but because of the whole situation period. It tears me apart inside to know that there’s a good chance that I will never get to see him face to face, in the flesh…. it hurts more than I could’ve ever imagined possible. It hurts to think about the fact that his wife gets to be with him when she’s home and not gone for work… that she gets to live a normal husband/wife relationship with him…. she gets to go do things with him from as small as going to the grocery store to going out with him somewhere. Then there’s the fact that she gets to make love with him…. OMG and I one big green eyed jealous monster over that, and I hate myself for it…. it’s not fair, they’re supposed to, they’re husband and wife and just because I can’t have sex in my marriage, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be able to. I guess my biggest issue with all that is that it would only take one time of coming to see me for all these needs to be fulfilled and I know I would not be so crazy like this over it all. It’s not like I don’t have other offers from guys who want to sleep with me, even though they know I’m married… but I never pursue any of them back, because there’s only one man I want, and it isn’t my husband, sadly. I told D the other day that even if my husband were able to get an erection, I still wouldn’t want to have sex with him, because I want the next time I do it to be with him (D), and I’m serious. When D’s angry or upset with me, or I think he is… it’s like someone hits this ‘panic’ button inside of me and I start to completely panic, start losing it, logic is gone. I write him long messages on google hangout, I email him, I text message him and I’ve even called him a few times… I turn into the crazy girl!! And I hate it!! He’s put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last year, I have to admit that, and he’s still stuck around. He still loves me, he still always comes back (to hangout that is). I have never, ever, in my whole life felt this way about someone… not just the sexual attraction, but the connection, the deep and strong love, the way he’s taken over my mind…. it’s like I’m consumed by him and my feelings for him. No matter what though… there is nothing that will ever be done about any of this, it is simply something that will always only be what we have online, through camming…. it will never be a true relationship, no matter how badly either one of us desire it to be… he’s happily married to his wife and I unfortunately am very unhappily married to my husband, but I’m stuck with him (that’s another story for another time), we are both in our respective situations… and very sadly, we may never get to meet each other in person…. and that, that is the most painful part of it all for me, that is what hurts the most. I just want to lay my hands on him once, feel that he’s real, feel the warmth of his skin. My heart aches everyday, and my depression worsens everyday…. going to see a therapist didn’t help…. I’ve tried to do things to take my mind away from him, become interested in something or someone else, trying to rekindle the flame with my husband, but the whole time, D is all I can think about…. I pray to God all the time to help me with this, to help it go away and to help me understand why, why him of all people, why not my husband…. why did I have to fall in love, this kind of love, with someone I can’t have and he can’t have. I don’t know anymore, it’s been over a year, and I just don’t know how much longer I can go on without seeing him…. but there’s nothing I can do about that. This is truly one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I have ever went through, especially of this nature. I know I’m wrong for loving another man, but I did not plan of falling in love… ever…. especially a painful love.