Category Archives: Mean People

It’s That Bad

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So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.

My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.

Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up. 

Some People….

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 I find myself feeling very angry and upset tonight, which really isn’t anything new, but still…. tonight’s a little different. During my teenage years, like from age 12 on up to at least 21, I had a group of several female friends that I hung it with all or most of the time… there were brief periods when I strayed in my crazy ways and went to other nearby towns for months on end, but for the most part, these chica’s were it. For privacy sake we shall call them N, M1, M2, and S. There were more of course, but they were in and out, or off and on, whichever way you wanna say it. N, M1, M2, S and me though, we were always there. I considered these girls my best friends. I knew I was the outcast, I always had been an outcast, even in elementary school. I started have sex at age twelve and had a pretty rotten reputation by like eighth grade, so yeah, I guess it may have been hard for these girls to remain friends with me, because of the things people said about me, etc. Yet we still remained friends, although I knew that the only truly loyal friend out of the bunch was N. The rest talked about me behind my back even though I knew it, and they often did mean and ugly things to me, but I stayed around…. no one wants to be “friendless”, even if really they are. I always just wanted them to like me. Anyway, even as we got older and I moved away a few times, I still remained in contact and “friends” with these few ladies, particularly N. As the years have gone by and most of us have reached our thirties, with the exception of me, but I will this year, I have lost touch with these girls, all except N. So, facebook of course is wonderful for catching up with old pals. I’m “friends” with all the girls from the old group, but one, M2. At one time we had bee, and then one day I noticed we weren’t. I’ve sent her several friend requests and messages since then, and never got a reply, so tonight I decided to ask N to ask about it for me. Well…. let me tell you, I got a message from miss M2 that I did not expect. She proceeded to tell me how we were never really good friends that mutual friends was all that ever connected us and that’s just not a strong enough tie for her, and that she’s removed people who willingly allow negativity into their lives from hers and a bunch of other shit. She, who is no better than I am, because I’m sorry, no one is better than anyone else. She is also a recovering addict, she who is just not perfect, and she who knows damn well that we were friends. I don’t know what her problem is, and I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but damn it, it does. I just felt like, who the hell does she think she is? A simple I just don’t wanna talk to you would’ve sufficed. She even said that she didn’t want to have to type these hurtful words to me but since her not being my internet buddy seems so important, she’s been forced to. I don’t know…. between that and finding out that D will not be around at all this weekend because he and his wife are taking a little vacation…. plus fighting with Sean too…. and having headaches for a week straight…. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I know one thing’s for sure…. when it comes to D, I need to get some professional help, but that’s a whole other blog post.