Category Archives: Motivation

It’s That Bad

Standard

So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.

My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.

Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up. 

I Need Help!!

Standard

My husband and I bought a home on land contract in the beginning of October of last year (2014). It’s a beautiful house and it doesn’t appear to have anything wrong with it, (except for a plumbing/septic issue we had recently), it’s also on 2.3 acres of land and it’s out in the country pretty much. We’re like nine miles from the edge of town. I like the house. It’s the nicest home I’ve ever lived in, (with the exception of a year and a half in my grandpa’s home when I was 17/18). There’s plenty of room for my husband, myself and our two boys. And it’s definitely a huge move up from what we were in before this, a two bedroom basement apartment with one window, underneath a tanning salon on a main highway. It was awful and my depression really took a turn for the worst down there for three years. Then we got the opportunity to get this place, this beautiful home, and we got it.

“What’s the problem?” you’re probably thinking, I know. But the problem is this…. since we moved in in the beginning of October of last year, I have literally only unpacked one of the bathrooms and that is it…. My husband has unpacked some, dishes, towels, etc., but our two car garage is filled from front to back with boxes of our stuff. Our front porch which is enclosed and is like a separate, unheated room, is filled with boxes, and of course, we have some boxes inside the house too. It’s insane…. and wouldn’t you know, none of those boxes are packed in an organized manner. There are very few that have what is in them written on the outside of the box, other than that, it’s a surprise. All of these boxes have to be gone through  and sorted, sorted into trash, stuff we’re keeping, stuff we’re taking to our flea mkt. booth, stuff we’re donating, etc. It’s completely overwhelming. Not only that, the house needs to be deep cleaned already, walls washed down in certain areas, the whole nine yards, and of course there’s your daily stuff like dishes and laundry and whatnot. 

Sadly however, all I want to do is sleep for the most part. When I’m not sleeping I’m either on the computer or I’m doing nothing really, nothing productive anyway. The hardest part besides always being tired is that I seriously have no motivation, no energy. I don’t know anymore…. life is so overwhelming in so many ways and I just get so sick of it all. I feel like a failure as a mom, as a wife, as an adult, as person in general. I can’t even handle “life”, like the regular everyday life things…. everything overwhelms me, or I just don’t want to do anything and I think, “What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I always like this? Where are you God? What am I going to do?” I hate it. I hate being the way I am, and people say, “Well then don’t be that way”, yeah well, that is much easier said than done for most people let me tell you…. It often takes a lot of work to “change” the way you are. I have begun the steps of trying to feel better, but I fear it is going to be a long and often difficult process, but I know it is one I need to follow through with. 

Meanwhile, my home is in boxes. It needs to be cleaned. It’s going to start looking like a bunch of slobs live here pretty soon. I have to do something, but I don’t even know where to start. The though of it all completely overwhelms me. I know I need to just pick a spot and jump in, but it’s easier said than done, especially when you really don’t want to do anything at all. My plan is to force myself to do a little bit everyday, and if I do more on some days, great, and if I do less on some days, that’s okay to, as long as I get something done each day. So we’ll see how it goes. I think I can handle at least one thing each day 😉 It just sucks because this is not how I want things to be.