Category Archives: Sexual Content

Lost Innocence


A little girl with innocence still in her eyes, 

Shining through, bright blue.

One day someone notices that innocence is gone, 

Her eyes don’t shine as blue. 

They all want to know the truth, 

What happened to her innocent eyes. 

While their eyes were wide open, 

And they were all right there, 

The innocence in her eyes was being taken. 

He was just a “boy”, a young teen, the son of her mommy n daddy’s “friends”, 

She was supposed to be safe with him, she’d been with him alone before. 

Their parents all in the bedroom together, 

Taking in their chemicals, their white devil taking them to higher places. 

While in the living room, the little girl lay with the boy on the couch, 

With that scratchy green blanket over top of them. 

Her uncle, nodded out in his own chemical stupor, was supposed to be watching, 

“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do” played in the background. 

That’s when he made his move, his hands, creeping up her little leg, fingers touching, 

Touching her and causing her great confusion, why was he doing this, we’re not supposed to touch. 

She looked around, her world spinning, hoping a door would open from the bedroom, 

Looking over at her uncle, waiting for him to come too…. but he didn’t. 

The boy touched, made her touch, she knew  but she didn’t, 

In her mind she knew she had to stop this, but she did not know how. 

There is still some innocence in her eyes, when she looks up at this “friend”, 

Asks him to please stop, and he doesn’t, 

This is when the innocence in her bright blue eyes fades out. 

In that instant she learns that there is no one, 

No one but her to save herself. 

Forever after, that little girl is changed, 

She now sees life in a way she shouldn’t, 

Sees the good and the evil for exactly what it is. 

So when people wonder twenty four years later, 

Why her eyes don’t shine as they once did, 

She just smiles and shrugs them off. 

But it goes back to one event, 

One moment in time, 

When something was stripped of her, her child like outlook, her innocence. 

That little girl is now a grown woman with a family of her own. That day however was a defining moment in my life. A lot of things changed after that, and it took some years for me to properly deal with the things that happened that night. I can honestly say I forgive the young man who did what he did, though it was not right at all, and there is no excuse for what he did. His parents were very bad drug addicts just as mine were and hadn’t been raised in the best of circumstances. Like I said, this did not give him the right to do what he did by any means, I’m just saying I understand his background as I came from the same, and I was able to forgive him. Though he took something from me that day, I have learned that God has filled that space. Forgiving him was not easy, but he has a much bigger judge that he must worry about someday, so for now, I try not to judge anyone. I’m sorry if this triggers anything for anyone or upsets anyone, but this IS a blog about my life, in my words, and this is a part of my life. 


Sexual Frustration


feel so alone right now, like no one will ever understand. I also feel ridiculous for feeling this way over something like sex, but I can’t help it. I feel like it’s going to drive me insane, combined with everything else in my life it’s just becoming too much. See, I am almost thirty years old and my husband is twenty-five years older than me, making him fifty-five this year, and as I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, we have not had actual intercourse in what’s going on three years now I believe, give or take a little. He has severe type one diabetes, as well as neuropathy and gout arthritis and a few other things. He’s on a lot of medications of course too. We have tried all kinds of things, pills, pumps, creams, you name it, and nothing…. he just cannot get an erection. 

There was a time when we were at least still having oral sex and doing the things we could still do, but even that has become rare. A big part of this has to do with the state of our marriage, as we do not get along well at all and are often fighting. To be honest, most of the time I cannot stand him, and the thought of him touching me appalls me. He is a mean and nasty man and most days I wish I would’ve never married him. (I know some of you are saying at this point, “then why don’t you just leave him”, unfortunately, that is not possible, which is a whole other story in itself that I’ll save for another time.) There are days where I try to force myself to have feelings like I used to for him, I pray that God will help me to get those feelings back. For the most part though, most days I have no attraction of any kind to him and I am simply co-existing with him. There are days when he tries to be nice, I can tell, and for those few hours or for that day, I see the man I married. Occasionally we do make love, (if you can call it that), and when we do, I am forcing myself to do so the whole time, as well as thinking of someone else the whole time too. Sad and pathetic, I know. 

I have always been a very sexual person. In my younger years I was extremely promiscuous. I’ve always loved sex, wanting it everyday if I could get it. I love every thing about sex. I started having sex at very young age, too young, and I pretty much never went without for more than month at a time after that. When I married my husband we had a very active sex life all the way up until he started having ED problems. Then it was like I was just cut off abruptly. This was like a shock to the system or the psyche more like for me. Of course I have toys and I know how to take care of myself, but it’s just not the same. Just as only having oral sex with my husband just isn’t the same. It’s not the same as being penetrated by a man. 

I could go out and find some random guy and bang his brains out, of this I have no doubt…. but that isn’t what I want. I get offers from different guys that I’ve known for however long, messaging me on facebook, etc. And as tempting as that sometimes is…. there is only one person that I want to have sex with…. and though it should be my husband, it’s not….. D is the only man that I want, but I can’t have him. (If you’ve read other blog posts you’ll know that D is the man that I love but am not with and can never have.) I have begged him and begged him to please, please come see me, just once, just one time and I swear this would all be better…. but for reasons of his own, he is not able to come. I don’t know if this means that he’ll never be able to come, or if it means that someday he’ll be able to, but he just doesn’t know when so he doesn’t say anything about it, I don’t know….. Whatever the case, this man D, he is the only one that I want and I want him so bad that there are days that I truly feel like I’m going to come completely unglued, go for real live nuts. I ache inside for him to make love to me, my heart hurts so bad. I sometimes wish that someone else would come along and make me feel the way he does, but someone who can actually see me, someone who can come to me. This has been going on for a year and a half with D and I now, and it was bad before him, but now that he’s in my life and I’ve fallen so deeply in love with him, it just makes it even worse. 

I actually started going back to therapy over this and some other things recently. That’s how bad this is, how serious. I already have a deep underlying depression that I’m working on fixing, and now I have this to add to the depression and let me tell you, most days I think a lot about dying. No, I’m not suicidal, not in the manner that I’m going to do something to myself, however I do not care whether I live or die, in fact, I pray for death most days. It isn’t just not having sex that makes me feel that way of course, there are a whole bunch of reasons combined together that make me feel that way, the not being able to have sex is just like the icing on the cake…. it’s like what makes the cookie crumble…. and this cookie feels like she’s crumbling most of the time. I am on depression meds, I’ve been taking them right, as well as my mood stabilizers. I’m back in therapy. I pray all the time, I read His word. I don’t know what else to do. I know this may sound ridiculous to some, but I just want to have sex!!!!!! At this point, I’m almost starting to not care who with, but then I regain my composure. 

I don’t know anymore…. I’m not in love with my husband, he can’t have sex with me either way….. I’m in love with a man I shouldn’t be, a man who’s married himself and lives fifteen hours away…. I want sex so bad I can’t stand myself…. I’m depressed all the time…. I feel hopeless most days…… as always, I’m a mess. 

Too Much


I’m really missing him. We haven’t been talking as much lately. I’m upset with him if you wanna know the truth. I realize his wife is home and he has to be careful, but you know what, my husband is home most of the time and I still cam with him. I take that risk, the risk of having my husband walk out when I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be doing. I cam with him when my family is home, my kids. Now I know that he does the same with me too sometimes. He cams with me when she’s home, but definitely not as often lately. I know she caught him on a site that he shouldn’t have been on, but that’s not my fault….. he has two women that are madly in love with him, why does he need to look at other women? So now he has to be extra careful, and I’m suffering from it. He’s not on instant messenger as often any more, and you know what, neither am I. I’m too tired to sit there and hope that he comes along. He knows how much I love him, or at least I would hope he does by now. It’s just that I don’t know how much longer I can go wondering if he’s ever going to come see me. I realize what kind of a risk it is, and I realize that it’s not easy financially, but he’s in a much better position than I am when it comes to all that. She leaves for weeks at a time for her job, so why couldn’t he come for a day?? It takes fifteen hours to get here, I know that’s a long trip, but what we have, to me, if worth a million hours if that’s what it took to get there. If I had the money and I didn’t have kids, I’d drop everything to go see him. I just want ONE time with him, just once. No one can seem to understand that, they say things like, “Oh well you’d want it again after that, you’d want to see him again, it’d just make it worse”, and I feel like screaming at people to just shut the fuck up because yes IT would help, and no it WOULDN’T make it worse, this is what I NEED to make all this better, to make this craziness that feel inside over him go away finally. So I can breathe without D for once. This is getting to be too much. My heart hurts so bad. The one thing I want most, I cannot have, and I feel like it’s killing me inside, slowly, bit by bit, day by day. People ask me why I’m depressed, even when Sean and I are doing a little better I’m still depressed, and it’s because all I can do is think of D, think of another man. I’m depressed in part, in big part, because all I can think of is being held by the man I truly love…. not the one I’m married to. That is not right. My mind and my body are just so exhausted and I’m tired of the pain, from everything. Some days I’m sure it’s all too much. 

The Pain


The pain of being in love with someone that you know you’ll never have, it can sometimes be incapacitating, for me anyway. I find myself waiting around my computer all the time, most hours of the day, when I’m not sleeping, which is something I do a lot of, but that’s a whole other story. I already have depression issues and motivation problems. I don’t take care of the things I should be, like normal housework and family responsibilities. I think about this man literally 24/7 and I don’t know what to do about it. A couple of the very few people who know, they tell me to just let him go…. but I can’t do that. It would be the last straw before I finally broke I think if I lost him. It gets so bad sometimes, so bad that I feel like I just can’t take it anymore, like I want to scream and cry, crawl the walls…. hating the fact that there’s nothing I can do to get to him. I’d never be able to. A flight would cost WAY more money than I could ever dream of somehow saving, and I couldn’t drive because it’s my husband’s vehicle, not mine technically and it’s the only one we have… plus gas would be almost as expensive as flying, and a bus, well it cost a bunch too. Plus I could never just leave…. my husband would never allow me back if I just took off, and I’m not allowed to go places on my own. I think about it though. I beg D to come see me all the time. I know it’s not just that easy for him either…. but damn it, it’s easier for him than it is me, at least his wife is out of town on work for weeks at a time….. My heart  hurts so bad all the time. The only thing I can ever see fixing this craziness I have for him, is being able to physically see him, touch him, be wrapped in his arms….. I feel like something is wrong with me because of the way I feel, because it’s all I seem to ever think about, it seems like in one way or another I’m always thinking of him. I get depressed about the whole situation, and I cry…. not because of anything he’s done to me, but because of the whole situation period. It tears me apart inside to know that there’s a good chance that I will never get to see him face to face, in the flesh…. it hurts more than I could’ve ever imagined possible.   It hurts to think about the fact that his wife gets to be with him when she’s home and not gone for work… that she gets to live a normal husband/wife relationship with him…. she gets to go do things with him from as small as going to the grocery store to going out with him somewhere. Then there’s the fact that she gets to make love with him…. OMG and I one big green eyed jealous monster over that, and I hate myself for it…. it’s not fair, they’re supposed to, they’re husband and wife and just because I can’t have sex in my marriage, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be able to. I guess my biggest issue with all that is that it would only take one time of coming to see me for all these needs to be fulfilled and I know I would not be so crazy like this over it all. It’s not like I don’t have other offers from guys who want to sleep with me, even though they know I’m married… but I never pursue any of them back, because there’s only one man I want, and it isn’t my husband, sadly. I told D the other day that even if my husband were able to get an erection, I still wouldn’t want to have sex with him, because I want the next time I do it to be with him (D), and I’m serious.  When D’s angry or upset with me, or I think he is… it’s like someone hits this ‘panic’ button inside of me and I start to completely panic, start losing it, logic is gone. I write him long messages on google hangout, I email him, I text message him and I’ve even called him a few times… I turn into the crazy girl!! And I hate it!! He’s put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last year, I have to admit that, and he’s still stuck around. He still loves me, he still always comes back (to hangout that is). I have never, ever, in my whole life felt this way about someone… not just the sexual attraction, but the connection, the deep and strong love, the way he’s taken over my mind…. it’s like I’m consumed by him and my feelings for him.    No matter what though… there is nothing that will ever be done about any of this, it is simply something that will always only be what we have online, through camming…. it will never be a true relationship, no matter how badly either one of us desire it to be… he’s happily married to his wife and I unfortunately am very unhappily married to my husband, but I’m stuck with him (that’s another story for another time), we are both in our respective situations… and very sadly, we may never get to meet each other in person…. and that, that is the most painful part of it all for me, that is what hurts the most. I just want to lay my hands on him once, feel that he’s real, feel the warmth of his skin. My heart aches everyday, and my depression worsens everyday…. going to see a therapist didn’t help…. I’ve tried to do things to take my mind away from him, become interested in something or someone else, trying to rekindle the flame with my husband, but the whole time, D is all I can think about…. I pray to God all the time to help me with this, to help it go away and to help me understand why, why him of all people, why not my husband…. why did I have to fall in love, this kind of love, with someone I can’t have and he can’t have. I don’t know anymore, it’s been over a year, and I just don’t know how much longer I can go on without seeing him…. but there’s nothing I can do about that. This is truly one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I have ever went through, especially of this nature. I know I’m wrong for loving another man, but I did not plan of falling in love… ever…. especially a painful love. 

A Day For Reflection & Contemplating – Page 1 Of A New Year


    New Years Day… A day for reflection of the last year, and contemplation on the year ahead. Sounds about right, doesn’t it? Or at least legit. I think all the time, I mean my mind is never just blank, or without a thought or twenty, but sometimes, as with anyone, my thoughts are deeper than other times. Well today, some deep thought came as my husband was lying on the bed in just his underwear, talking to me, and I was getting annoyed listening to him, for no good reason really. It was in that moment, looking at him, that I realized how completely unattractive he is to me and that I am so not in love with him. I was just totally disgusted by everything about him physically, hit with it full force all at once…. and I felt so guilty about it, but at the same time, I felt like, “now what do I do?”…. You see, leaving him is just not an option, not right now anyway, if ever that I can see. So now what? Here I am, stuck being married to this man that’s twenty-five years my senior, and the love I once had for him is just completely lost, the attraction I once felt completely gone. There has been too much ugliness between the two of us, any beauty in it long gone. To top it all off, I am not only just not in love with my husband anymore, not attracted to him, but I am totally, completely and helplessly, hopelessly in love with another man, one that can never be mine, will never be…. A man that I can only love from afar, a man that only has real time for me when his wife isn’t home….. and even though that man loves me back, it still doe not change the situation between us or the one at hand. This love for this other man, D, it has taken over me it seems, I honestly feel like one of those obsessed whack job stalker types!!! Who the hell does that? Feels that way? And why?!! For the love of Christ, WHY ME??!! I did not ask to fall in love with someone, I did not ask to meet this particular man, although one could say that I asked to meet a man in general because of what I was doing at the time I met D…. but still, my point is, I didn’t choose to fall in love, to feel these insane feelings I feel…. didn’t ask to obsess about seeing a man that I’m most likely never gonna see….. didn’t ask for being able to see him to be the main focus in my life for over a year now…. That is not healthy, it is not normal, I have a family to take care of, kids… yet it is how I feel, it is what I’m going through. Life is too overwhelming….. I have to do something this year to lessen the chaos…. I need to learn to deal with my feelings…. I may not be able to control what I feel, but I can control how I let that feeling affect me, I think… Love truly does hurt… in my case the situation at hand is what hurts…. and the knowing that I’ll always be in second place when it comes to the man I love…. his wife will always be first place, (which is as it should be, but still no easier to accept). He’ll always put me after her, and I’ll always be waiting around to hear from him, to have time with him, and that’s pretty pathetic I know…. My problem is, I don’t know what to do about all of this. I can’t seem to walk away from either man, even though it seems that ridding myself of them would be the solution…. it definitely would not be…. I could maybe see under the right circumstance ridding myself of the one, (my husband), but I just can’t see getting rid of D…. I can’t even imagine it…. So yes, I have my work cut out for me this year, for sure….and this isn’t even the half of it…. oy vey.