Category Archives: Sleep

It’s That Bad

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So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.

My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.

Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up. 

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Tired of Being Tired

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I am so tired of being tired. All I do is sleep, literally. After the kids leave for school, I go back to bed, and my husband’s the one who takes them out to the bus stop. I go back to sleep, but in the living room, in our recliner. Some mornings I’ll stay up for a little while, messing around on the computer or whatever, definitely not doing the things I should be doing, the housekeeping, mom and wife stuff I should be doing, and so much more. Instead I sleep in the chair for most of the day and sometimes I’ll get up and go to the bed once the kids are home and sleep there, it’s awful. I’m literally always tired.I have two auto immune diseases, I’ve been diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, the psoriatic part causes plaques of psoriasis and the arthritis part attacks small joints in my body. There’s more to it than just that, but I’m not going to go into detail right now. The point is, it’s been proven that people with auto immune diseases, including psoriatic arthritis, often have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The doctor I saw for three and a half years before she left town was excellent, Dr. W,  and she’s the one who helped me discover that this was most likely part of my problem with being tired. She also had me do sleep studies, testing for narcolepsy, they came back negative, but when a new sleep doctor came to town, she had me go see him for a consultation as well and he wanted to retest me, repeating the narcolepsy sleep study, but he wanted to score it himself. I never went in for that study. I just couldn’t do it again. I struggled with all the ones I’d had prior, terrible anxiety, not being able to smoke, and yes when you smoke that’s a big deal. I recently started seeing a new psychiatrist and he’s also a sleep doctor, and he told me that there is a such a thing a s Narcoleptic Syndrome, where the person experiences many narcoleptic like symptoms, but don’t have enough to pass the test for it. I fall asleep on my feet sometimes, uncontrollably, I just fade out…. I do it in random places at random times. It’s not all the time, it’s just sometimes. I also get so tired that I just cannot keep my eyes open anymore and I literally have to close them or I know I’ll fall out. It is awful. I’ve been on Dexadrine before, which is basically legal speed, and while it helped at first, the effect wore off because of the damage I’ve done to my body by being an addict, my tolerance has grown insanely high to medications. So it doesn’t work on me like it does others. Plus it was causing vocal and motor tics. So I’ve been off that for a while, but it’s hard. I know that being depressed does not help this situation, and I also know that not eating right is not helping this situation and that’s not anyone else’s fault but my own. I need to learn to start being a big girl, even though I often dread it. This tired all the time thing though…. there’s got to be something. I know, I know, people are gonna say exercise, eat right, take vitamins, etc. A lot of this stuff though, when not having been done regularly in a long time or ever, is much easier said than done. All of this takes motivation, and that, well, that’s a whole other topic, but I am definitely lacking it. Anyway, I just felt like getting a little steam out, lol, thank you. ;-p