Category Archives: Soulmates

My Bleeding Heart

Standard

Broken, my wounded heart is bleeding, bruised beyond recognition, and he’s holding it in his hands; 

It feels as though he has ripped it out of my chest, with bare hands, my blood dripping down his fingers. 

This can’t be happening, this can’t be real, I keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not;

For if I were dreaming, I would not feel this God awful pain in my heart, my chest, my mind and soul, all through me; 

I cannot think straight, my mind is disobeying my commands to focus on something else, no matter how hard I try; 

My thoughts always end up going back to him, back to whatever the hell this is that’s going on right now. 

The pain and the thought of it all,the realities and everything, just keep slamming me in the face over and over; 

And I never know when it’s going to happen, they’re like surprise attacks of harsh reality and deep emotional pain. 

I never expected this, I just don’t understand, how could things go from being fine to this…. how?? 

The part I hate myself for the most, is believing that these last couple months would stay that good, even with him; 

I knew it was too good to be true, it always is, but all the things you’ve said to me, recently and past, what about that?

I had a hard time trusting in the beginning anyway, then I finally give my trust and all of me;

And once again, I’m left hurting from it… I just don’t understand… you promised you’d never go away. 

I know you are most likely hurting right now, and I realize it’s selfish of me to not show concern;

I am just so wrapped up in my own feelings and confusion over what is going on, wanting answers;

Answers I’m not getting, but I’m suppose to not act crazy… okay…. I’m scared that I’ve lost you.

My mind is in total chaos mode, I literally cannot think straight, I can’t complete tasks correctly, I can’t focus; 

I literally ache inside constantly, aching for you, just to hear from you even, but especially to know what’s up. 

I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s right that you won’t tell me, you told your wife about us;

That much I did get at least, but what does that mean dammit, why did you tell her, what is going on;

Does this mean that the you and I that just so recently existed is going to be nothing now, over with; 

Will I lose you too, just as I have lost all those in my life that I have loved either by death or separation? 

All the promises you made me, like how you’d never go away, that we’d always be friends and you’d never give up on me;

Promises to see me, telling me you loved me, and that you’d never chose between us, there’s so much more than just this.

Every good thing you said to me, I’ve believed, I’ve always taken your word for everything, never questioning you; 

I’m sorry that I’m still not better after a year and a half, trust that I want to be and it hurts to know you feel that way. 

Every time you told me you were proud of me, it was more inspiration to work at this harder, I wanted to make you proud;

I know my progress has been slow, but I have made some, and that’s definitely better than none. 

Come back to me my best friend, please speak to me and explain, tell me what is going on with you and us; 

Help me to understand why all this is happening please, I know I have said selfish things, but please don’t stop talking to me;

Everyone always leaves, everything good in my life turns to shit, everyone always gives up on me, get tired of me;

And I can’t blame them, I’m a mess, crazy, too much to handle, I ruin everything good in my life, that’s truth. 

Advertisements

The Pain

Standard

The pain of being in love with someone that you know you’ll never have, it can sometimes be incapacitating, for me anyway. I find myself waiting around my computer all the time, most hours of the day, when I’m not sleeping, which is something I do a lot of, but that’s a whole other story. I already have depression issues and motivation problems. I don’t take care of the things I should be, like normal housework and family responsibilities. I think about this man literally 24/7 and I don’t know what to do about it. A couple of the very few people who know, they tell me to just let him go…. but I can’t do that. It would be the last straw before I finally broke I think if I lost him. It gets so bad sometimes, so bad that I feel like I just can’t take it anymore, like I want to scream and cry, crawl the walls…. hating the fact that there’s nothing I can do to get to him. I’d never be able to. A flight would cost WAY more money than I could ever dream of somehow saving, and I couldn’t drive because it’s my husband’s vehicle, not mine technically and it’s the only one we have… plus gas would be almost as expensive as flying, and a bus, well it cost a bunch too. Plus I could never just leave…. my husband would never allow me back if I just took off, and I’m not allowed to go places on my own. I think about it though. I beg D to come see me all the time. I know it’s not just that easy for him either…. but damn it, it’s easier for him than it is me, at least his wife is out of town on work for weeks at a time….. My heart  hurts so bad all the time. The only thing I can ever see fixing this craziness I have for him, is being able to physically see him, touch him, be wrapped in his arms….. I feel like something is wrong with me because of the way I feel, because it’s all I seem to ever think about, it seems like in one way or another I’m always thinking of him. I get depressed about the whole situation, and I cry…. not because of anything he’s done to me, but because of the whole situation period. It tears me apart inside to know that there’s a good chance that I will never get to see him face to face, in the flesh…. it hurts more than I could’ve ever imagined possible.   It hurts to think about the fact that his wife gets to be with him when she’s home and not gone for work… that she gets to live a normal husband/wife relationship with him…. she gets to go do things with him from as small as going to the grocery store to going out with him somewhere. Then there’s the fact that she gets to make love with him…. OMG and I one big green eyed jealous monster over that, and I hate myself for it…. it’s not fair, they’re supposed to, they’re husband and wife and just because I can’t have sex in my marriage, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be able to. I guess my biggest issue with all that is that it would only take one time of coming to see me for all these needs to be fulfilled and I know I would not be so crazy like this over it all. It’s not like I don’t have other offers from guys who want to sleep with me, even though they know I’m married… but I never pursue any of them back, because there’s only one man I want, and it isn’t my husband, sadly. I told D the other day that even if my husband were able to get an erection, I still wouldn’t want to have sex with him, because I want the next time I do it to be with him (D), and I’m serious.  When D’s angry or upset with me, or I think he is… it’s like someone hits this ‘panic’ button inside of me and I start to completely panic, start losing it, logic is gone. I write him long messages on google hangout, I email him, I text message him and I’ve even called him a few times… I turn into the crazy girl!! And I hate it!! He’s put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last year, I have to admit that, and he’s still stuck around. He still loves me, he still always comes back (to hangout that is). I have never, ever, in my whole life felt this way about someone… not just the sexual attraction, but the connection, the deep and strong love, the way he’s taken over my mind…. it’s like I’m consumed by him and my feelings for him.    No matter what though… there is nothing that will ever be done about any of this, it is simply something that will always only be what we have online, through camming…. it will never be a true relationship, no matter how badly either one of us desire it to be… he’s happily married to his wife and I unfortunately am very unhappily married to my husband, but I’m stuck with him (that’s another story for another time), we are both in our respective situations… and very sadly, we may never get to meet each other in person…. and that, that is the most painful part of it all for me, that is what hurts the most. I just want to lay my hands on him once, feel that he’s real, feel the warmth of his skin. My heart aches everyday, and my depression worsens everyday…. going to see a therapist didn’t help…. I’ve tried to do things to take my mind away from him, become interested in something or someone else, trying to rekindle the flame with my husband, but the whole time, D is all I can think about…. I pray to God all the time to help me with this, to help it go away and to help me understand why, why him of all people, why not my husband…. why did I have to fall in love, this kind of love, with someone I can’t have and he can’t have. I don’t know anymore, it’s been over a year, and I just don’t know how much longer I can go on without seeing him…. but there’s nothing I can do about that. This is truly one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I have ever went through, especially of this nature. I know I’m wrong for loving another man, but I did not plan of falling in love… ever…. especially a painful love. 

A Deep Kind Of Love

Standard

 Have you ever experienced a love so overwhelming, so powerful and deep, that you know it is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before or will ever experience again? The kind of love that makes your heart burst and your soul overflow, where you feel like you’ve finally found that missing piece to your soul, to you. You’re sure there’s something wrong with you because that person is the only thing you can think of, the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing at night, along with every hour in between. Where it gets to a point that you’re sure you’re obsessed and in need of help. Well that’s how I feel about D. I feel that and so much more. I actually started going to counseling because I knew that what I was feeling and the way I was thinking about him was not healthy…. but the therapist told me that we can’t control our feelings, only how we react to them.  So everyday, I wake up, and I think about this man, not the one lying next to me, but one hundreds of miles away, I think about him and how he’s already at work and wonder if he’s having a good day, or if it’s his day off, I wonder if he’s sleeping in. On the mornings that he works, I set my alarm for 5 a.m. so I can get up and send him an email with a good morning image and some other quotes, etc. I write it the night before and get up at 5 and send it to him, then go back to bed .I would NEVER do that for someone, not before, not even for my husband when things were good between us. Things are just different with D, everything is… he makes me feel unlike anyone has ever made me feel before. He loves me for who I am, and no one, no man especially, has ever done that before…. sure, he’d like me to better myself, but he’s happy with me just the way I am if that’s the way I choose to be. He believes in me, he never puts me down but instead always builds me up. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy despite all my physical flaws. There are just so many things that are different with him. He knows me in a way that no one else ever has, he sees me differently too. He will literally text me or IM me sometimes when I’m sad and be like, “What’s wrong?”, and I’ll be totally blown away because I really am feeling bad and he’ll just somehow know…. and it happens to me with him sometimes too. I believe that we are connected on a deeper level than most. I don’t understand why, for what reason…. we’ll never be able to have one another…. we’re both married, both have families… I always ask myself, ‘how could two soulmates meet, but not be able to have one another?’, but I guess it happens. All I know is that everyday, my heart aches for a man I’ll never have, while I sit miserably with the one I do have.