Category Archives: Tired

Provigil….. And Stuff

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I’ve been waiting for a prior authorization from my psychiatrist to go through with my insurance company for a couple of weeks now, on a medicine called Provigil. It’s a drug that is used to promote wakefulness in adults who have certain sleep disorders, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and things of that nature. It is also been used to help treat depression and several other things as well, I believe. Though it has traits of an amphetamine, it is not one. It’s an expensive drug and I did not expect the prior authorization to go through, I figured they’d deny it and we’d have to appeal it and go through all that nonsense.

The reason I thought that, was because I had already been through that battle once, a few years back with my old primary care physician. She tried like hell to get me on this medication and that damn insurance turned her down every effin time. I mean she jumped through hoops trying to get me on this medication and getting the proof or enough proof that I needed it and would benefit from it. In the end, I never did end up getting approved.

So anyway, I was standing in the kitchen yesterday and my husband walked up and tossed me a piece of mail. It was from my insurance company, I get stuff from them all the time, and I won’t lie, I don’t open most of my mail, it sits, unopened, indefinitely for the most part, unless it’s a bill or something else “important”. I’m sure I probably miss some stuff that I should be reading, but nevertheless, my unopened mail piles grow and then turn into boxes of unopened and opened mail along with receipts, and we start over again. Whew!!! LOL I went a little off the trail there for a second, but as I was saying, I was holding this piece of mail from the insurance company, and I went to throw it up on the counter and something caught my eye, I can’t remember what it said, ‘approval’ maybe, but it was enough to make me think of my prior authorization and open it. Sure enough, it was a letter stating that they had approved my prior authorization for Provigil and that it was now covered for me to take for a year, before I’m up for revaluation!!! Woo hoo!! Truly, thank you God!!!!<3

So I finally got approved for it, so I can try it and see if it makes a difference and helps me so that I’m not so tired and sleeping all the time; and also I can see if it helps with the depression at all. It’d be so nice if it helped with both. My only fear is that my body will become tolerant to it too quickly and it will no longer work like it did in the beginning, or like it should. My body does that with medications, all kinds of medications, even things like antibiotics and crap, it’s nuts. I did it to myself though, ruined my body by being an addict, this is just one of the results of being a recovering addict. I pretty much rewired everything in my brain, it’s hard to get that back, if you even can, and I don’t think you’ll ever get all of it. There I go being Negative Nancy again though, God, it’s terrible, like I just set myself up for failure and disappointment with my thoughts and words!! I don’t wanna be that person.

What I’m really hoping, is that this Provigil, in addition to the two antidepressants I’m on, the mood stabilizer, and the anti anxiety medication, will finally make a difference I can actually feel. I wanted to write, ‘lol’ back there just now, after I said, “What I’m really hoping is that this Provigil in addition to the two antidepressants I’m on…..” and so on, because I realized how funny and crazy that really sounds…. maybe not to you or anyone else, but to me it does, if only because it’s my life and I’m thinking to myself, “Look at you, do you hear all those medications you’re on? What in the hell happened here? You’re a headcase. It always comes back to this, it seems like no matter what it always comes back to the “mental illnesses” that I deal with and it’s like it’s a never ending battle, I just thought, how funny the predictability of all this is and what a nut I felt like after listing off all those different types of meds I’m on. I’m giving it a shot though, because why the hell shouldn’t I really, I mean, anything within reason is worth a shot if it might make you feel better.

I’ll give all these medications a chance to work together in my system to see if together they make a difference that not only I can feel, but that can be seen by those close to me hopefully too. I know it takes time for everything to get into your system, everything has a different saturation point, so I think it’s probably best that I give it at least two months, if not three, before deciding whether or not it’s all making any difference or not. I’d like to try to keep a med journal, lol, but for me that’s like, I don’t even know, lol. Let’s just say I don’t do well on commitment to those sorts of things. Hell, one of my biggest problems with all this depression and medication crap is, I have a really hard time remembering to take my morning doses of my medications!!!! I am almost thirty years old, and I still cannot take my medications like an adult.

For years now I’ve struggled with taking my medications in the morning. Night meds have never been a problem, I always take my night meds and there’s nothing “good” in my night meds either, lol, just to be clear. I’ve tried all kinds of different things to get myself to take my meds in the morning. I have a sign that hangs from the cupboard right in front of my face that says, ” Take Your A.M. Meds!!”….. I don’t even notice it most days. My meds sit on “my” counter, the one I go to to roll my cigarettes, use my computer, everything, it’s like my central location. They’re right there next to me basically, and yet for a long time, morning after morning I did not take them, or only took them one day here, miss a day, then take them again the next day, miss two days, take them two days, like that. In the last year and a half I have been more conscious about taking my morning meds and somehow making sure I do it. While I haven’t been great at it, I’m still better than I was, and in the last I’d say month, since I got out of the psychiatric ward, I’ve been taking them way more consistently, because instead of not taking them because it’s “too late” in the day now, I’ve been taking them no matter what time I remember, as long as it’s not past like 2 p.m., because I don’t want them too close to my night meds. I figure even if I’m not taking them at the same time everyday, at least I’m taking them and they’re getting into my system so they can start to work hopefully. 

I’ll continue to work on taking my medications every morning like I’m supposed to. I don’t think it’s about finding a way to remind myself, because I’ve set alarms on my phone, taped up the sign, set them right next to me, and I still don’t take them like I’m supposed to. I feel like I’m a fucking idiot, like I’m defective, like what the fuck is wrong with me. Why don’t I just take my meds in the morning, like any other “normal” person would do? Whatever the reason is, I know I can get this right and start taking them every single day until it becomes so familiar that I could do it in your sleep, until it becomes as familiar as breathing each day. The damnedest thing is, if someone reminds me or tells me basically, to go take my meds, I take them right away, without hesitation. My husband sometimes tries to help me by reminding me, but he forgets too. A few friends have said they’d call me every morning, and they did, for a little while, but eventually it ended. And that’s okay, for all of them, because really it’s not their responsibility. It was nice of all of them to try and help me. I do appreciate it, but it’s not someone else’s job to see to it that I take my meds each morning, although I must admit, it sure makes it a lot easier. I’m going to have to do this on my own somehow though, I have to. 

I saw my therapist today and one of the things we talked about was ECT (electroconvulsive) therapy, to help alleviate and possibly eliminate this depression. It’s actually something I’ve thought about a lot over the last few years, and looked into online some too, I’m the one who brought it up to my therapist. Surprisingly, he didn’t seem to think it sounded like a totally crazy idea at all, in fact he talked very positively about it and even gave me a brief account of a patient of his who underwent treatment not too long ago and seems to be doing great now, much better. He did talk about the possibility of some short term memory loss, and I brought up my concern with him about long term memory loss. I told him about a friend I have who underwent ECT treatment sometime in the last ten years, and he seems to have lost a lot of his long term memory, like his memories of certain things. My therapist didn’t really have much to say on that, like he wasn’t really sure, but I’ll look into it more closely. Anyway, we talked about it and decided that since I’ve been on what seems like almost every psych med there is out there, all to little or no avail for one reason or the other, it’s not a bad idea to talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see him at the beginning of May. So that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to talk to him about ECT and see what his perspective on it is, and whether or not he thinks it would benefit me in particular. We shall see what he has to say! 

For me, everyday the struggle is real, just as I know it is for a whole lot of people out there, so many people that have it WAY worse than what I could ever dream of having it, and so I try to be thankful that I don’t have it like that and I’ve got it the way it is, even if that’s less than ideal to me. I do a lot of things to myself I think, or I make them worse at least, blow them out of proportion, or think things that aren’t true or real – just paranoid thoughts in my head because of the way my life has been. It’s like I sabotage everything good in my life eventually, including relatioships, and I don’t even realize I’m doing it or by the time I do, it’s too late. I am living in this misery, depression, sadness, and anger, along with a list of other emotions, and I’m trying to figure out how to fix it, how to get out of it, knowing that I put myself in it, so it starts with me. I’m the one who had to change all this, no one else can do it for me, I’ve always know that, The problem is that it is so damn hard. Getting out of this pit I’m in, it feels impossible to climb out of most days. It’s like I’m barely dragging on. But I don’t want to be this way, so I must do something to change it, and this is where the battle starts, conflicting thoughts. I want life to be one way, but I don’t want to do the work to change it. I’m still going at it though, I haven’t given up so far. 

I think that’s enough rambling for me for one night, lol. I’m never sure if I actually have a point when I’m writing, I just kind of get that blank screen in front of me and it’s like my mind says, “AndGo!!” really fast, lol, and I’m off and writing. Thoughts spilling out on top of one another, my mind going ninety miles an hour. I’m sure some of you can probably see my “free” form writing style in my posts, lol. Thanks for baring with me folks!! 🙂 

I Need Help!!

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My husband and I bought a home on land contract in the beginning of October of last year (2014). It’s a beautiful house and it doesn’t appear to have anything wrong with it, (except for a plumbing/septic issue we had recently), it’s also on 2.3 acres of land and it’s out in the country pretty much. We’re like nine miles from the edge of town. I like the house. It’s the nicest home I’ve ever lived in, (with the exception of a year and a half in my grandpa’s home when I was 17/18). There’s plenty of room for my husband, myself and our two boys. And it’s definitely a huge move up from what we were in before this, a two bedroom basement apartment with one window, underneath a tanning salon on a main highway. It was awful and my depression really took a turn for the worst down there for three years. Then we got the opportunity to get this place, this beautiful home, and we got it.

“What’s the problem?” you’re probably thinking, I know. But the problem is this…. since we moved in in the beginning of October of last year, I have literally only unpacked one of the bathrooms and that is it…. My husband has unpacked some, dishes, towels, etc., but our two car garage is filled from front to back with boxes of our stuff. Our front porch which is enclosed and is like a separate, unheated room, is filled with boxes, and of course, we have some boxes inside the house too. It’s insane…. and wouldn’t you know, none of those boxes are packed in an organized manner. There are very few that have what is in them written on the outside of the box, other than that, it’s a surprise. All of these boxes have to be gone through  and sorted, sorted into trash, stuff we’re keeping, stuff we’re taking to our flea mkt. booth, stuff we’re donating, etc. It’s completely overwhelming. Not only that, the house needs to be deep cleaned already, walls washed down in certain areas, the whole nine yards, and of course there’s your daily stuff like dishes and laundry and whatnot. 

Sadly however, all I want to do is sleep for the most part. When I’m not sleeping I’m either on the computer or I’m doing nothing really, nothing productive anyway. The hardest part besides always being tired is that I seriously have no motivation, no energy. I don’t know anymore…. life is so overwhelming in so many ways and I just get so sick of it all. I feel like a failure as a mom, as a wife, as an adult, as person in general. I can’t even handle “life”, like the regular everyday life things…. everything overwhelms me, or I just don’t want to do anything and I think, “What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I always like this? Where are you God? What am I going to do?” I hate it. I hate being the way I am, and people say, “Well then don’t be that way”, yeah well, that is much easier said than done for most people let me tell you…. It often takes a lot of work to “change” the way you are. I have begun the steps of trying to feel better, but I fear it is going to be a long and often difficult process, but I know it is one I need to follow through with. 

Meanwhile, my home is in boxes. It needs to be cleaned. It’s going to start looking like a bunch of slobs live here pretty soon. I have to do something, but I don’t even know where to start. The though of it all completely overwhelms me. I know I need to just pick a spot and jump in, but it’s easier said than done, especially when you really don’t want to do anything at all. My plan is to force myself to do a little bit everyday, and if I do more on some days, great, and if I do less on some days, that’s okay to, as long as I get something done each day. So we’ll see how it goes. I think I can handle at least one thing each day 😉 It just sucks because this is not how I want things to be. 

A Little Unsure

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Lately I’ve been finding that I want to write, honestly, I do…. but one of two things keeps happening…. Either a) I’m so tired by the time that I actually get time to write, that it’s all I can do to hold my eyes open, let alone write. (Although that does make for an interesting idea, lol, sit here at the keyboard while I nod in and out, see what keys I push and go with it, lol.) or b) I want to write, but I seem to be having a hard time picking out one particular topic, idea, story, post, etc., I’m sure you get the picture. See, I’m bad for rambling and topic hopping, and I’d like to try to avoid that with this. I was thinking that maybe if I just posted multiple blog posts in twenty – four hour period, (without being to excessive and going overboard of course), that maybe that would solve this issue. Then there’s still choosing what to write about, even if I’m breaking it up into a few different pieces. I get a really good idea a lot of times and if I don’t write it down, I forget it most times. I’ve also been struggling with certain types of content that I’d like to write about, but am still not sure where I’m at on that. I think in the end I’ll choose to go with what it is that I want to write, because this blog is after all, entitled In My Words…. My life in my words. So if one blog post is about crafts with the kids and the next one is a hot and heavy R – rated piece, I guess don’t be surprised, lol. No matter what, my goal is to just keep writing, without going too long in between posts. So from now on, my plan is to write in a more organized format I guess you’d say…. trying to stick to one or two specific topics or ideas with each blog post…. even if that means multiple posts in a twenty – four hour period, like I said. We shall see how this works!! Above all, I’m not just doing this for myself, so that I don’t feel like I’m so jumbled together in my posts on here, but so that my readers can read what I have to say without trying to follow five topics at once, while hopping off down bunny trail one and two, lol. I want it to work for both myself and my readers.