New Years Eve…. People are out at the bars, out at New Years Eve parties at their friends house, home with their families – their loved ones, enjoying one another, reflecting on the last year…. not here in this house though. Nope… here at my home, my husband is in bed with our youngest son, and I’m out in the living room with my oldest, wishing that my husband gave a shit about me. All I wanted was for him to spend tonight with me, to be able to kiss him when the ball dropped, but of course, he’s been being mean ever since this morning. He’s so nasty with his mouth, so volatile, and so hurtful, and of course, he knows how to hurt me to my core. Once he starts being mean and nasty like that, he won’t stop. So today was a terrible day and now my night is no better. Meanwhile, fifteen hours away, the love of my life and his wife are throwing a little New Years Eve party/get together. Yeah…. I said it, the love of my life and his wife. While I sit up with my seven year old and my husband lays in bed hating me, and that’s fine, he can hate me, I just wish he wouldn’t be such a jerk about it. If life were perfect, I’d be in the arms of D right now, waiting for midnight to come where we would then kiss and toast to a new year, while the kids slept. No matter what, I’ll always be doomed, I’ll never be able to have him (D), even if Sean were to leave or what have you, D is still married, and he’s not going to leave her for me, not now, not ever. So I’m stuck with this incredibly strong love for him inside of me, so strong yet so painful at the same time…. More than anything, this year, I want to meet my D, face to face, right in front of me, where I can touch him. Of course I want for my kids to have a safe, healthy and happy new year, and I’d pick that over anything, but that other one, that’s right there. It’s been over a year now since we met and I’ve been in love with him pretty much from the start… I don’t know if I can go another year without meeting him, meeting him. Sigh….. New Years Eve…. It should be a happy time, a time for reflection on life, for spending time with friends and loved ones… it’s just not happening for this girl, not this year. Happy New Year to all you out there, may you be having a better New Year than me!
Like I said in my last blog post, my marriage has been failing and doing very poorly for what seems like our whole marriage now. When my husband stopped being able to get an erection, it’s safe to assume that things did not get any better with us. Let me first tell you though, there was a time when things between my husband and I were “good”. We met under shady circumstances to begin with, you see, I was a really bad opiate addict (taking whatever kind of pain pill I could get my hands on), and Sean, (who was not yet my husband at the time, obviously), sold his pain medication. That’s how I met him, I was going to him for pain pills sometimes. He is twenty-five years older than me, and I had never thought of him in “that” kind of way. I had a son who was eight months old at the time and we were living in less than desirable conditions with a guy that I was seeing who had six kids of his own and was an alcoholic. Eventually that guy kicked me and my infant son out, in the middle of the winter, it was February, I had just lost my job at Staples due to my addiction, and I had no idea where I was gonna go or what I was gonna do… I had my baby boy to think about. That day I ended up going to see Sean, I was there in the living room of the house he was renting a room in, crying and telling him what had just happened, and that’s when he came over and put his arms around me and hugged me tight and told me that things were going to be alright. In that moment, I started to look at him as more than just the older dude who hooked me up…. I started to see him as a friend, a caring person, someone I could possibly “like” as more than just a friend. My son Travis and I started spending more time over there while staying with my friends Iris and Henry at night, using their apartment as a base, a place for Travis and I to lay our heads, make food, shower/bathe. I started seeing Sean daily, always taking Travis with me and he was so good with Travis, getting down on the floor and playing with him, offering to make his bottles, feed him, change him, etc. When I started staying the night there, Sean would get up with Travis, making his bottles and feeding him, changing his diapers. Eventually I started having withdrawals when I ran out of pain medication and now it was even worse because my doctor had just dropped me due to a pain contract that I broke by peeing dirty at my appointment., so my only way to get the pain pills was off the streets, and I didn’t have the money for that. Sean of course helped me out by giving me his when we started spending more time together, seeing each other, but no matter what, I always ran out and I always got sick. Sean “nursed” me through all those withdrawals, while taking care of Travis on top of it, with no qualms about it, he was great about it. Eventually I got a little one room efficiency apartment through the help of a local church that was right up the road, as a result, I started attending services there regularly and started taking Sean too. Sean moved into the efficiency apartment with Travis and I, my addiction grew worse, I had found a doctor that would write anything to anyone and I was on an insane amount of pain medications. One day Sean and I got into an argument over a pill, and I lost it, I broke down and I asked him if I could go get help…. that was the first time I checked into rehab. Over the course of four to five years, I was in and out of rehab/detox six or seven times, and in and out of the psychiatric hospital about nine times with problems from my addiction that in turn triggered problems with my bipolar and borderline personality disorder, as well as anxiety disorder. I think I forgot to mention that Sean and I were married only four months after we met and began seeing each other. I know it sounds crazy, and it was, but at the time, I couldn’t picture my life without him. Things were better with him around. He was good with Travis too, and he loved him. I was sure that that was what the Lord wanted me to do. It didn’t take long for the fighting to start, fighting before we even married… breaking his one rule, which was that he wasn’t going to argue or fight. I’m sure you are probably wondering why we still got married anyway. We did though, and I loved him so much, and he loved me, and he loved Travis. We wrote our own vows and in his he “took Travis as his son” promising to love him and take care of him. We had a great sex life. We eventually moved to a nice little town house out of town a bit. I was in and out of rehab and the hospital though, as I said before. The fighting continued, things get really volatile a few times. Things weren’t always bad though, and there were still more good times than bad. We did things together, plus he was an avid hunter and fisher, which he often took me to do with him, (well, fishing anyway). We took trips to the casinos like once a month or once every other. We watched movies together, went out to eat together. We read the Bible together, we prayed together, went to church every Sunday and sometimes Wednesday together. We even ran errands together. I mean yes, we usually had Travis with us, but that was okay, we were a family. I was still an active addict, I hadn’t stayed at rehab any of the times I’d went. On top of all that, we both had severe health issues that we dealt with on a regular basis. After about a year of being married, I found out that I was pregnant!!! Our second son James was born in September of 2009. Unfortunately he was born addicted and went through thirty-one days of methadone treatment in the neonatal unit in a hospital across the state. Sean, Travis and I pretty much lived over there in the hospitality house during that time. Finally we were able to take James home, but it was still a struggle, his withdrawals were not over yet and I was still battling addiction myself, plus I think I had a touch of post postpartum depression. That year I attended rehab once more and was hospitalized like four times in one quarter. I finally found a good doctor who was willing to give me a chance on methadone. Shortly after that, one day, mid-afternoon, I noticed the cravings hadn’t been there yet, and I’ve never had another craving again. I’ve been on methadone ever since and I do great on it, it not only keeps the chronic pain I have in check, but it keeps me from having cravings too. I always tell everyone that the Lord knew I could’t take anymore and so he took them from me. And even though we fought like crazy, Sean was still there for me by my side the whole way through… he didn’t give up on me and walk away like he could have, and some would have. He might be a prick (excuse my language), he doesn’t treat me with respect most of the time, he talks to me like I’m a piece of trash for the most part, and he’s just plain mean and miserable more often than not. Over the years it has just gotten worse and progressed. He isn’t physically abusive, except during one crazy week October of 2013, in which he went to jail. I try, but I just cannot do anything right. Seriously. He truly believes that all of our problems are because of me, that I start them all. Nothing I do is good enough. You’d think I’d be used to this by now, but I don’t think anyone ever gets used to that. We argue/fight a lot and unfortunately the boys have both had to hear it. We go through periods of time where the fighting isn’t as bad, but then we go through periods of hell. I didn’t get married to get a divorce, and even if I wanted to leave, I couldn’t. I know some would say that you can always leave, that there’s always a way, but let me assure you, in this case, there is not, I don’t care what anyone tries to tell me. I wanted to get this stuff out there so that people see that my marriage was in shambles before I ever met and fell in love with anyone else. I love D (the man I met and fell in love with on the adult cam site I was working on), I love him more than I’ve ever loved any other man before in my lifetime. But even this is a love that will not ever be in my favor…. D is married, happily married…. He lives 15 hours/several states away and he works a full time job. He and I will never be together, not like a couple…. and I’ll be way lucky if I ever even get to see him face to face, instead of just on the pc cam. I do not love my husband in “that” kind of a way anymore, I haven’t for a long time, long before D entered the picture. I certainly am not physically or sexually attracted to him anymore (and no it’s not because he can’t get an erection), and he rarely tries to touch me anyway… even if we can’t have actual penetrating intercourse, there are obviously plenty of other things we can do…. but nope….. he just doesn’t touch me anymore, and when I bring it up to him, he acts like I’m inconveniencing him or bothering him, so I usually just don’t bring it up anymore. D has never even touched my physically, and he’s the best lover I’ve ever had, and trust me (no I’m not proud of this either) I’ve had my share of lovers…. he does things to me on a mental and spiritual level that I’ve never experienced before. He knows me better than anyone has ever known me, seriously, he knows what I’m feeling without me even saying anything, he feels sad when I do and won’t even know why he feels sad until later that day when he talks to me and I tell him, and it happens to me too with him, the other way around, I feel what he feels sometimes. It’s weird and it’s crazy and most people don’t believe it, but I have no reason to lie about such a thing, and that is quite a thing to makeup as well, lol. He’s there for me when I need him, even though sometimes he can’t really be, he still finds a way, and I’m always there for him. He believes in me, he builds me up, he gets on me about doing the right things with myself and my life…. he’s amazing. And for the very first time, I’ve met someone who loves me for me, who loves me for just who I am, nothing else, nothing more, nothing less…… he doesn’t love me for what he wants me to be, he loves me for me. I’ve never truly had that before. So you see, lol, I just wanted to give you some more background, some more information on this little story that I’ve started telling you about. And maybe my blog posts won’t always be about this particular topic, maybe they will be, who knows? Now you know that my marriage has always been rocky, yes, but there are some reasons why, though not all of it. You can make your own judgments and assessments on all this, but no matter what I’ve done or been through, I’m not a bad person, if anything, I’m just human…. we all make mistakes, we all do things we probably shouldn’t…. so take heed before judging. 😉 Thanks for reading!!