My heart is so broken right now. I just want to fall off the face of the earth. He’s done the one thing he said he’d never do to me. He went away. He promised me he’d never go away like everyone else, and he did. After all the bullshit he fed me about how he loved me and would be with me in a heartbeat if he could, he left his wife finally, but not for me…. for someone else. Someone he’s know for a month. I’ve wasted almost two years of my life on the internet with him, two years of thinking about him constantly, all to have my heart shattered, ripped out and stomped on. But, I guess it serves me right for having an “internet affair” on my husband. This new girl actually emailed me pics of herself, smh, the fact that she’s ugly only hurts more. I’d have rather her been beautiful, at least I could see why maybe a little better. Right now, I don’t care about life. I want to cut so bad and death is my wish upon a star. I do these things to myself, bring pain into my life by my choices. I constantly fuck up. FML, fuck it real good.
I hate that this hurts so much, I hate that I’m letting it get me even farther down than I already was, but I just can’t seem to help it. You told me from the beginning that you’d always be here, that you wouldn’t leave me like everyone else has. You told me you believed in me and that we could walk this journey together, even if not physically together. You know all the hurt that I’ve been through, all the struggles. I believed everything you ever told me, even when my instinct from being hurt so much told me not to. I’ve loved you with every ounce of love I had to give. You have my heart completely, yet you’re breaking it into a million pieces. You’ve shut me out. Refusing to talk to me. You call me selfish for being so upset because you won’t talk to me about what’s going on, but what do you expect? How am I supposed to react? I’ve been so worried about you, so worried you’re going to do something crazy. I know you don’t want your marriage to end, or at least I don’t think so. I don’t want it to either because that means you being unhappy and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I’m so angry at you right now, I just can’t believe you’d do this to me. You have to know how badly you are hurting me and yet you still won’t just talk to me. The texts we do share are short, you don’t say much and you haven’t been very nice. I’m pretty sure that if I haven’t lost you yet, I’m going to. My calls all forwarded immediately. I just wish that you would be big enough to tell me that you don’t want me in your life anymore and why maybe, but at least tell me, don’t just ignore me and shut me out. I’m starting to wonder if you were ever who I really thought you were in the first place.
You’re hurting me and you don’t even seem to care. I feel like everything has been a lie this whole time. You were supposed to be my best friend. You said you believed in me, you loved me, that you’d always be there and you’d never leave me like everyone else. It all must have been just words though, because you’ve shut me out so tight I can barely see through a crack. Answering me in small sentences and one word answers on the rare occasions you do talk to me. And now you’ve got me wondering if you’re actually seeing someone else and you refuse to answer me when I ask. WTF is that?? Hasn’t our time meant anything?? Three weeks ago you said you’d marry me in a heartbeat if situations were different, so what IS this?? Why do you insist on hurting me…. I can’t take this kind of hurt again, you are killing me inside…. I don’t even care anymore.
Broken, my wounded heart is bleeding, bruised beyond recognition, and he’s holding it in his hands;
It feels as though he has ripped it out of my chest, with bare hands, my blood dripping down his fingers.
This can’t be happening, this can’t be real, I keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not;
For if I were dreaming, I would not feel this God awful pain in my heart, my chest, my mind and soul, all through me;
I cannot think straight, my mind is disobeying my commands to focus on something else, no matter how hard I try;
My thoughts always end up going back to him, back to whatever the hell this is that’s going on right now.
The pain and the thought of it all,the realities and everything, just keep slamming me in the face over and over;
And I never know when it’s going to happen, they’re like surprise attacks of harsh reality and deep emotional pain.
I never expected this, I just don’t understand, how could things go from being fine to this…. how??
The part I hate myself for the most, is believing that these last couple months would stay that good, even with him;
I knew it was too good to be true, it always is, but all the things you’ve said to me, recently and past, what about that?
I had a hard time trusting in the beginning anyway, then I finally give my trust and all of me;
And once again, I’m left hurting from it… I just don’t understand… you promised you’d never go away.
I know you are most likely hurting right now, and I realize it’s selfish of me to not show concern;
I am just so wrapped up in my own feelings and confusion over what is going on, wanting answers;
Answers I’m not getting, but I’m suppose to not act crazy… okay…. I’m scared that I’ve lost you.
My mind is in total chaos mode, I literally cannot think straight, I can’t complete tasks correctly, I can’t focus;
I literally ache inside constantly, aching for you, just to hear from you even, but especially to know what’s up.
I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s right that you won’t tell me, you told your wife about us;
That much I did get at least, but what does that mean dammit, why did you tell her, what is going on;
Does this mean that the you and I that just so recently existed is going to be nothing now, over with;
Will I lose you too, just as I have lost all those in my life that I have loved either by death or separation?
All the promises you made me, like how you’d never go away, that we’d always be friends and you’d never give up on me;
Promises to see me, telling me you loved me, and that you’d never chose between us, there’s so much more than just this.
Every good thing you said to me, I’ve believed, I’ve always taken your word for everything, never questioning you;
I’m sorry that I’m still not better after a year and a half, trust that I want to be and it hurts to know you feel that way.
Every time you told me you were proud of me, it was more inspiration to work at this harder, I wanted to make you proud;
I know my progress has been slow, but I have made some, and that’s definitely better than none.
Come back to me my best friend, please speak to me and explain, tell me what is going on with you and us;
Help me to understand why all this is happening please, I know I have said selfish things, but please don’t stop talking to me;
Everyone always leaves, everything good in my life turns to shit, everyone always gives up on me, get tired of me;
And I can’t blame them, I’m a mess, crazy, too much to handle, I ruin everything good in my life, that’s truth.
It has occurred to me that I am now following over one hundred blogs, and I started thinking to myself, exactly how many of those hundred plus blogs do I actually read and on a regular basis…. the truth is, sadly, not many, I just don’t have time to read them all…. I have kids and a family and my own blog to try and keep up with as best I can. I wish that I could read a post from every blog I follow, every day, but I’m not sure that’s possible, lol. So anyway, I decided that with Spring here and all, I’d start weeding out those blogs that I don’t read, that don’t appeal to me, etc. I’ve decided to go through all the blogs that I follow and read their about page first, then read a post or two by them, if I like it, I’ll keep them on my “blogs I follow” list, if not, I’ll be taking them off.
This is not meant to offend anyone, whatsoever, so I truly hope no one will have any harsh feelings, it’s just that I feel if I’m going to have an enjoyable experience on here, not only writing, but reading too, I might as well be reading about things that I’m interested in or can relate to, or stuff I just like. I’m sure everyone wants their wordpress to be tailor fitted to them. Anyway, I’m not going to defend myself anyway, but I guess that’s just how I am, lol.
I am delving into my blogging world right now to try and keep my mind off of the real world that is going on around me, because I don’t want to deal with the pain and the truth of what is really happening right now. I feel like I’m losing the other half to me, as though I’ve been cut in two. The sadness and confusion and anger and not understanding are so great it’s unbearable. So I have to put my mind into something, even if it’s blogging. At least at helps me to not thing about all the hurt for the time being, for the moments that I’m writing. All I want right now is for everything in my life to go back to the way it was a week ago, back to before things changed in his mind. The hardest part of this all is the not responding to me no matter how often I text or email him or I’ve even went as far as to call him a few times and yes I know I sound obsessed about it and I guess maybe I am, but I don’t understand why he’d just quit talking to me with no nothing. Especially after the way the last month or two has been, we’ve been a lot closer. Now all of a sudden, nothing. I realize he could have a totally legit reason, and I honest to God pray that he does, and that it’s not, his feelings about me have changed, we can’t do this anymore, what we’ve been doing is wrong, I love my wife and want to fix things with her and can’t do that with our relationship too, etc. etc., Idk, stuff like that. And how terrible do I sound because really those are all the right things he should say… but I don’t want him too. I want him to say that he wants to keep what we’ve had the last year and a half, that he does love me, and that he meant it when he said I was a part of him now, and the other things he’s said. At least one of those things even.
So now for the next several days maybe, I will be going through all the blogs I follow and doing what I said above, weeding through them. It’s not a popularity contest, lol, who I am, just some random blogger. If you still choose to follow my blog even though I don’t follow yours, I truly appreciate that and it means a lot. I will also be doing my best to get more posts in as I’m doing all this. Thank you to all my supporters, followers, and especially readers, you rock!! 🙂
It’s been two days now, two friggin days since I’ve talked to D and I don’t understand what’s going on, he never does this to me. I always usually hear from him at least once in a day, even if it’s just a short text or email. At least then I know he’s okay. Finally last night he did text me to tell me sorry for not contacting me sooner, that it’d been a long day and then he told me good night later on, so okay, I heard from him then, and that was relieving, but another whole day has gone by and I have not heard from him again, despite attempted efforts to get a hold of him, including calling him from my home phone WITH my husband home!!
The part that confuses me so much is that D and I have had an amazing last few weeks to month. We’re weren’t even able to cam with each other the whole time, but it’s still been great. He has expressed his love to me more now than ever before as far as verbally goes, and that has completely rocked my world. He’s said things that I’ve only dreamed of him saying and I have been elated because of it. He’s also been going through a tough time of his own, and I have tried to be there for him as much as I can, the best way I know how, and I know he appreciates that. This is why I don’t understand why he’s pretty much gone awol the last two days. Like I have no idea what’s going on, and maybe it’s not my business, I don’t know, but I wish if that were the case he’d at least say it.
I guess I just feel like, if you know it’s going to relieve your loved ones mind, what is it really to take a minute or less out of your time to send a quick message, just to say I’m okay even. Instead I go the whole day with this sick feeling in my stomach, wondering what’s going on with him and if he’s okay, thinking how much I want to be able to be there if he does need someone, also wondering if it’s something that I’ve done, and if so, what is it. My mind goes in a million different directions. I know a lot of people would say that I’m worrying too much about this, reading too much into it, upset over nothing, and maybe I am, but it sure sucks feeling this way. I feel like a crazed loon. Obsessed, and maybe I am, who knows.
We just had a conversation about this and how it drives me nuts because I worry so much when I don’t hear from him, which is I guess why he finally texted me last night, but still. I feel so immature for feeling this way at nearly thirty years old, especially when I’m married to another man, and the man I’m in love with is married to another woman. When the hell did my life become this? It’s like a soap opera in ways, no? Yet I find that as hard as I try to rid myself of feelings I shouldn’t have, the harder they come flooding in and I feel them even more intensely. I can’t push this man from my heart or my mind, and frankly, I don’t want to as bad as that may be. For me, he is it. I want no one else including my spouse. That is sad in many ways and bad on my part I know, but it is what it is. Anyway, I just wish D would let me know what’s going on, so I know, so I know whether or not it’s me, something I did, or if it’s him and something else in his life. I just want to know and help if I can. I wish he realized how upset and frustrated it makes me when he doesn’t get in touch with me, and maybe he does know but for whatever reason still doesn’t, I don’t know. So, fingers crossed that I hear something tonight again.
I realize that since I got out of the psychiatric hospital, I haven’t been writing as much as I was before I went in. I’m not sure what the exact reason for this is, it’s not because I don’t have the time, because I do, and it’s not for lack of ideas of things to write about. I just haven’t been doing it…. laziness perhaps? I don’t know.
I have been working on a couple of pieces about my mom, one of which I just published tonight, “The Day My Mom Died”. This year, April 13th marked the eleventh year since she passed and since I have this blog now, I decided I’d like to write a couple few posts about her between the 13th of this month and the 14th of May, which would be her 56th birthday had she lived. I guess to me dates are significant and when it comes to my mom, it’s like that month of time there in between dates is kind of like my, “my mom month”, where I seem to think of her more often and miss her a little more. So in memory of her, I decided to write about her.
I’m hoping to get some other blog posts out too, while I’m still working on the last piece on my mom. I have some things to share, some more exciting that others, maybe like what’s been going on between D and I the last couple months, but the last few weeks especially. God I love that man, I know it sounds terrible, but I love him far more than I ever have my husband. How does that happen, seriously?? When it comes to the way I believe in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit and the Bible, I am very conflicted by my feelings for D, because technically, I know that I’m wrong, that everything about what I feel for him that goes beyond just friendship, is wrong. I know that the sexual things are wrong. All this stuff in the eyes of the God that I believe in, is wrong, yet I keep doing it and my feelings for him just keep getting stronger. I love him so much I could never end what we have. Above all else he’s my best friend, and that’s the honest truth. So yeah, there’s all that to talk about too, lol.
The weather’s been getting nicer and since we have a HUGE yard to rake, front AND back, we’ve been out doing a lot of raking and yard work. We have a big old willow tree that sits next to the house and hangs over the driveway and oh my goodness does it ever shed some branches, sticks, and leaves. Not to mention all the other trees in the yard and their leaves. It’s madness I tell you!! lol Raking nightmares at night, lol. Things are actually going alright right now for once, it’s kind of weird. I mean, they’re not great, but it’s not bad either, not like it usually is, the husband and I fighting constantly, his yelling and name calling to me, all that. I’m hoping and praying that things stay this way…. but I don’t have my hopes up. So here’s to hoping I can start posting more regularly, we’ll see what happens!! Thanks for following and reading my blog, I truly appreciate your support, it always makes me feel giddy to see another like or follower or comment, etc., so thanks again guys! Til next time. ~ L.L.
I feel so alone right now, like no one will ever understand. I also feel ridiculous for feeling this way over something like sex, but I can’t help it. I feel like it’s going to drive me insane, combined with everything else in my life it’s just becoming too much. See, I am almost thirty years old and my husband is twenty-five years older than me, making him fifty-five this year, and as I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, we have not had actual intercourse in what’s going on three years now I believe, give or take a little. He has severe type one diabetes, as well as neuropathy and gout arthritis and a few other things. He’s on a lot of medications of course too. We have tried all kinds of things, pills, pumps, creams, you name it, and nothing…. he just cannot get an erection.
There was a time when we were at least still having oral sex and doing the things we could still do, but even that has become rare. A big part of this has to do with the state of our marriage, as we do not get along well at all and are often fighting. To be honest, most of the time I cannot stand him, and the thought of him touching me appalls me. He is a mean and nasty man and most days I wish I would’ve never married him. (I know some of you are saying at this point, “then why don’t you just leave him”, unfortunately, that is not possible, which is a whole other story in itself that I’ll save for another time.) There are days where I try to force myself to have feelings like I used to for him, I pray that God will help me to get those feelings back. For the most part though, most days I have no attraction of any kind to him and I am simply co-existing with him. There are days when he tries to be nice, I can tell, and for those few hours or for that day, I see the man I married. Occasionally we do make love, (if you can call it that), and when we do, I am forcing myself to do so the whole time, as well as thinking of someone else the whole time too. Sad and pathetic, I know.
I have always been a very sexual person. In my younger years I was extremely promiscuous. I’ve always loved sex, wanting it everyday if I could get it. I love every thing about sex. I started having sex at very young age, too young, and I pretty much never went without for more than month at a time after that. When I married my husband we had a very active sex life all the way up until he started having ED problems. Then it was like I was just cut off abruptly. This was like a shock to the system or the psyche more like for me. Of course I have toys and I know how to take care of myself, but it’s just not the same. Just as only having oral sex with my husband just isn’t the same. It’s not the same as being penetrated by a man.
I could go out and find some random guy and bang his brains out, of this I have no doubt…. but that isn’t what I want. I get offers from different guys that I’ve known for however long, messaging me on facebook, etc. And as tempting as that sometimes is…. there is only one person that I want to have sex with…. and though it should be my husband, it’s not….. D is the only man that I want, but I can’t have him. (If you’ve read other blog posts you’ll know that D is the man that I love but am not with and can never have.) I have begged him and begged him to please, please come see me, just once, just one time and I swear this would all be better…. but for reasons of his own, he is not able to come. I don’t know if this means that he’ll never be able to come, or if it means that someday he’ll be able to, but he just doesn’t know when so he doesn’t say anything about it, I don’t know….. Whatever the case, this man D, he is the only one that I want and I want him so bad that there are days that I truly feel like I’m going to come completely unglued, go for real live nuts. I ache inside for him to make love to me, my heart hurts so bad. I sometimes wish that someone else would come along and make me feel the way he does, but someone who can actually see me, someone who can come to me. This has been going on for a year and a half with D and I now, and it was bad before him, but now that he’s in my life and I’ve fallen so deeply in love with him, it just makes it even worse.
I actually started going back to therapy over this and some other things recently. That’s how bad this is, how serious. I already have a deep underlying depression that I’m working on fixing, and now I have this to add to the depression and let me tell you, most days I think a lot about dying. No, I’m not suicidal, not in the manner that I’m going to do something to myself, however I do not care whether I live or die, in fact, I pray for death most days. It isn’t just not having sex that makes me feel that way of course, there are a whole bunch of reasons combined together that make me feel that way, the not being able to have sex is just like the icing on the cake…. it’s like what makes the cookie crumble…. and this cookie feels like she’s crumbling most of the time. I am on depression meds, I’ve been taking them right, as well as my mood stabilizers. I’m back in therapy. I pray all the time, I read His word. I don’t know what else to do. I know this may sound ridiculous to some, but I just want to have sex!!!!!! At this point, I’m almost starting to not care who with, but then I regain my composure.
I don’t know anymore…. I’m not in love with my husband, he can’t have sex with me either way….. I’m in love with a man I shouldn’t be, a man who’s married himself and lives fifteen hours away…. I want sex so bad I can’t stand myself…. I’m depressed all the time…. I feel hopeless most days…… as always, I’m a mess.
I do not like jealousy, especially when it’s me who’s jealous. I HATE that feeling…. it truly is a green eyed monster. I’ve been jealous before, don’t get me wrong, but this particular jealousy, it will eat me up if I don’t do something to try and cope with it now. I just don’t know what is that I can do to make it go away. I guess I should start by saying that the reason I’m talking about this right now is because D is on a trip with his wife, somewhere up in Canada. I know that I should NOT be jealous…. he isn’t technically my man. Despite the fact that we have a connection, a bond, like none other I’ve ever experienced, including with my husband, he is not my husband or my boyfriend, so I have no right to have ill feelings about him taking a little vacation with her. She’s gone a lot because of her job, sometimes being gone for weeks, and I know he misses her so much during those times, so really, technically (there’s that word again), they need and deserve this trip. Plus he works long hours at a job he hates, so yes, he deserves this. Yet for some stupid and horrible reason, the though of it eats me up inside…. it hurts my heart…. and it’s stupid! Because I knew when we started talking that we would never be anything more than what we are now, and neither one of us are really even sure what that is…. what exactly you call this. It’s not like a traditional man/woman relationship because we both have spouses/family’s, responsibilities to those families, we can’t “be together”, what he have is on here – the computer I mean…. yet it has felt to me for the past year and a half more like a true relationship than the marriage I’m in now and any other relationship I’d had in the past. So I’ve always known, and accepted that we will never be together. This trip thing though…. I don’t know…. when he told me he was going, I was instantly disappointed, jealous, upset, and unsure of why all at the same time. I felt terrible. All I could do is say, Oh…. Really? I think part of these feelings I’m having come from the fact that I’m in a miserable marriage that is failing more and more everyday it seems, and when I say there truly is nothing that can fix it besides the Lord, I mean it with all my heart. I do not love him like a wife loves her husband, not anymore. He is not attractive to me in any kind of way. I feel terrible about all this too, I struggle with it constantly. I try to make myself start feeling that way again, and sometimes it starts to work and he’s nice back, but by the end of the day, something has ruined it, we’ve gotten angry with each other or argued or something like that. We have not had actual penetrating intercourse in about two and a half years and he doesn’t touch me very often anymore, which kind of doesn’t matter, because I have to force myself to do things with him in the first place. I have to close my eyes and imagine D. So as you can see, my relationship with my husband pretty much sucks. And so I think that part of my bad feelings toward D and his wife doing stuff together, even little things, just the thought of them together period, it makes me so friggin green with envy, jealousy and I think it’s partly because I don’t have that in my marriage, and I probably never will…. they do, and they probably always will…. and no matter how much he tells me he loves me, I’ll never be her… I’ll never be first, I’ll never matter more…. she’ll always be number one, as it is supposed to be with your spouse. She’s the one he lays down with at night in bed…. she’s the one he makes love to. she’s the one that gets to touch him, kiss him…. all the things that I don’t get to do but yet long to so so bad. I get so frustrated because after all we’ve/I’ve been through this last year and a half almost that we’ve been talking…. the one thing I keep begging him and asking him to do for me it to just PLEASE come see me…. please come and make love to me, let me see you, let me see your real, to touch his body to feel his skin beneath my fingers…. all of it and more. It’s not just sex that I want to see him for (although that’d be beyond awesome), it’s just about seeing him, just once, meeting him in person….. I NEED this, and I’ve told him over and over again. that if he would just come, if he would do this one thing for me, he has no idea how much better I’ll feel and be afterward. I don’t think he believes me though. I even spoke to a counselor I was seeing about it, and he actually agreed that I need to see D, that way I can start dealing with my feelings for him and what to do. It is terrible someday’s, it’s like I am literally obsessed with him coming to see me. It’s all I can think about most days, even when I’m think of other things he’s there in the back of my mind. I bug him about it all the time. I can’t help it, seriously….. I just don’t get it, I get so frustrated…. WHY!? won’t he take a couple days and travel the 15 hrs. to get here and come see me, just for a few hours, we both know I couldn’t be too long but I could stay long enough. If his wife is gone and she won’t be back for a couple weeks or so, then WHY? He gets three days in a row off every other weekend…. he could take Monday off…. I’ve actually sat and thought and planned all this…. How fucking pathetic and creepy creeper like is THAT? I mean seriously. He knows how much I have going on in my life, he knows how terrible I’m feeling and have been feeling for the last couple years….. I’ve told him a million times that I can’t explain it, but him coming to see me would end all this craziness, that I can’t explain how I know or why, but it’s what I feel. Anyway, yes, I’m jealous…. I’m human too? I just wish he’d realize, she gets him for the rest of their lives…. I don’t. I get him when he can be with me online or on cam. So why is trip to see me such a big deal?? *sigh* I’m hurting….. really bad. Not just about this either, other things too, but I’m not gonna write about those tonight. I sometimes just wish I’d get over him…. but then I can’t picture my life without him. Idk…..
I’m really missing him. We haven’t been talking as much lately. I’m upset with him if you wanna know the truth. I realize his wife is home and he has to be careful, but you know what, my husband is home most of the time and I still cam with him. I take that risk, the risk of having my husband walk out when I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be doing. I cam with him when my family is home, my kids. Now I know that he does the same with me too sometimes. He cams with me when she’s home, but definitely not as often lately. I know she caught him on a site that he shouldn’t have been on, but that’s not my fault….. he has two women that are madly in love with him, why does he need to look at other women? So now he has to be extra careful, and I’m suffering from it. He’s not on instant messenger as often any more, and you know what, neither am I. I’m too tired to sit there and hope that he comes along. He knows how much I love him, or at least I would hope he does by now. It’s just that I don’t know how much longer I can go wondering if he’s ever going to come see me. I realize what kind of a risk it is, and I realize that it’s not easy financially, but he’s in a much better position than I am when it comes to all that. She leaves for weeks at a time for her job, so why couldn’t he come for a day?? It takes fifteen hours to get here, I know that’s a long trip, but what we have, to me, if worth a million hours if that’s what it took to get there. If I had the money and I didn’t have kids, I’d drop everything to go see him. I just want ONE time with him, just once. No one can seem to understand that, they say things like, “Oh well you’d want it again after that, you’d want to see him again, it’d just make it worse”, and I feel like screaming at people to just shut the fuck up because yes IT would help, and no it WOULDN’T make it worse, this is what I NEED to make all this better, to make this craziness that feel inside over him go away finally. So I can breathe without D for once. This is getting to be too much. My heart hurts so bad. The one thing I want most, I cannot have, and I feel like it’s killing me inside, slowly, bit by bit, day by day. People ask me why I’m depressed, even when Sean and I are doing a little better I’m still depressed, and it’s because all I can do is think of D, think of another man. I’m depressed in part, in big part, because all I can think of is being held by the man I truly love…. not the one I’m married to. That is not right. My mind and my body are just so exhausted and I’m tired of the pain, from everything. Some days I’m sure it’s all too much.