My heart is so broken right now. I just want to fall off the face of the earth. He’s done the one thing he said he’d never do to me. He went away. He promised me he’d never go away like everyone else, and he did. After all the bullshit he fed me about how he loved me and would be with me in a heartbeat if he could, he left his wife finally, but not for me…. for someone else. Someone he’s know for a month. I’ve wasted almost two years of my life on the internet with him, two years of thinking about him constantly, all to have my heart shattered, ripped out and stomped on. But, I guess it serves me right for having an “internet affair” on my husband. This new girl actually emailed me pics of herself, smh, the fact that she’s ugly only hurts more. I’d have rather her been beautiful, at least I could see why maybe a little better. Right now, I don’t care about life. I want to cut so bad and death is my wish upon a star. I do these things to myself, bring pain into my life by my choices. I constantly fuck up. FML, fuck it real good.
It’s been two days now, two friggin days since I’ve talked to D and I don’t understand what’s going on, he never does this to me. I always usually hear from him at least once in a day, even if it’s just a short text or email. At least then I know he’s okay. Finally last night he did text me to tell me sorry for not contacting me sooner, that it’d been a long day and then he told me good night later on, so okay, I heard from him then, and that was relieving, but another whole day has gone by and I have not heard from him again, despite attempted efforts to get a hold of him, including calling him from my home phone WITH my husband home!!
The part that confuses me so much is that D and I have had an amazing last few weeks to month. We’re weren’t even able to cam with each other the whole time, but it’s still been great. He has expressed his love to me more now than ever before as far as verbally goes, and that has completely rocked my world. He’s said things that I’ve only dreamed of him saying and I have been elated because of it. He’s also been going through a tough time of his own, and I have tried to be there for him as much as I can, the best way I know how, and I know he appreciates that. This is why I don’t understand why he’s pretty much gone awol the last two days. Like I have no idea what’s going on, and maybe it’s not my business, I don’t know, but I wish if that were the case he’d at least say it.
I guess I just feel like, if you know it’s going to relieve your loved ones mind, what is it really to take a minute or less out of your time to send a quick message, just to say I’m okay even. Instead I go the whole day with this sick feeling in my stomach, wondering what’s going on with him and if he’s okay, thinking how much I want to be able to be there if he does need someone, also wondering if it’s something that I’ve done, and if so, what is it. My mind goes in a million different directions. I know a lot of people would say that I’m worrying too much about this, reading too much into it, upset over nothing, and maybe I am, but it sure sucks feeling this way. I feel like a crazed loon. Obsessed, and maybe I am, who knows.
We just had a conversation about this and how it drives me nuts because I worry so much when I don’t hear from him, which is I guess why he finally texted me last night, but still. I feel so immature for feeling this way at nearly thirty years old, especially when I’m married to another man, and the man I’m in love with is married to another woman. When the hell did my life become this? It’s like a soap opera in ways, no? Yet I find that as hard as I try to rid myself of feelings I shouldn’t have, the harder they come flooding in and I feel them even more intensely. I can’t push this man from my heart or my mind, and frankly, I don’t want to as bad as that may be. For me, he is it. I want no one else including my spouse. That is sad in many ways and bad on my part I know, but it is what it is. Anyway, I just wish D would let me know what’s going on, so I know, so I know whether or not it’s me, something I did, or if it’s him and something else in his life. I just want to know and help if I can. I wish he realized how upset and frustrated it makes me when he doesn’t get in touch with me, and maybe he does know but for whatever reason still doesn’t, I don’t know. So, fingers crossed that I hear something tonight again.
Right now, I am for whatever reason, feeling very lonely, (though I am surrounded by my kids and husband), and very melancholy. There aren’t any real triggers that I can think of that happened today to cause this, nothing other than my ordinary constant thinking. I never have a blank mind, like when I ask someone to “tell me what you’re thinking right now” and they say “nothing”, I just don’t get it. I’m like, how can your mind just be blank, with no thought process consciously happening right now? Like is that even possible? Because for me, I always have something going on in the head of mine, and a lot of times I know, it’s stinkin thinkin as I call it, it is stuff that isn’t very positive, or not positive at all. I tend to dwell on the negative, even when I tell myself that I’m not going to. This is part of the reason I don’t have any friends really, is because every time I’d see or talk to them, all I’d do is bitch and complain, and one day I finally realized this and it all suddenly made sense as to why people didn’t really want to be around me. I tend to be negative. I can also be one of the most positive people I know, usually when it doesn’t have anything to do with myself.
I hate feeling this way, because really I have no current reason to feel like this, but it happens, more often than I care for. I’m not even really sure I can put my finger on one or two exact things that are upsetting me or causing me to feel this way, it’s just an overall, general feeling that I have, if that makes sense. Sometimes I can get myself out of it, sometimes it stays with me the whole day and sometimes into the next day. My biggest thing I need to work on with this is the type of thoughts I’m having, when I catch myself having a negative thought, I need to try to replace it with a positive one. There are so many things I know I should be making myself do to get better, but I’m not, I don’t. I’m always so tired, physically and mentally. I sleep for a big part of the day and night if I can and when I am awake I feel sluggish and lethargic. I’ve been through med changes, tests, all kinds of things, and having autoimmune diseases doesn’t help. My motivation is just gone. I’m constantly thinking about all the things I should be doing, need to be doing, but not doing them. I get very frustrated because of that.
I’m lonely in way that a woman wants a man to hold her, kiss her, pay attention to her, be positive with her, make love to her, be kind to her…. all those things and more that I don’t have. It’s been so long that I ache for it, and there’s only one person that I want in this whole world, and he surely isn’t my husband. That weighs on my heart big time all day every day. I know it sounds crazy, but I NEED to see the man I’m in love with and it drives me insane that I can’t.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this post, so I’m going to end it now. I guess I just felt like maybe if I wrote a little it would help in making me feel a bit better and I guess it kind of did. So hey, there’s a positive, lol. Thanks for listening!
I feel so alone right now, like no one will ever understand. I also feel ridiculous for feeling this way over something like sex, but I can’t help it. I feel like it’s going to drive me insane, combined with everything else in my life it’s just becoming too much. See, I am almost thirty years old and my husband is twenty-five years older than me, making him fifty-five this year, and as I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, we have not had actual intercourse in what’s going on three years now I believe, give or take a little. He has severe type one diabetes, as well as neuropathy and gout arthritis and a few other things. He’s on a lot of medications of course too. We have tried all kinds of things, pills, pumps, creams, you name it, and nothing…. he just cannot get an erection.
There was a time when we were at least still having oral sex and doing the things we could still do, but even that has become rare. A big part of this has to do with the state of our marriage, as we do not get along well at all and are often fighting. To be honest, most of the time I cannot stand him, and the thought of him touching me appalls me. He is a mean and nasty man and most days I wish I would’ve never married him. (I know some of you are saying at this point, “then why don’t you just leave him”, unfortunately, that is not possible, which is a whole other story in itself that I’ll save for another time.) There are days where I try to force myself to have feelings like I used to for him, I pray that God will help me to get those feelings back. For the most part though, most days I have no attraction of any kind to him and I am simply co-existing with him. There are days when he tries to be nice, I can tell, and for those few hours or for that day, I see the man I married. Occasionally we do make love, (if you can call it that), and when we do, I am forcing myself to do so the whole time, as well as thinking of someone else the whole time too. Sad and pathetic, I know.
I have always been a very sexual person. In my younger years I was extremely promiscuous. I’ve always loved sex, wanting it everyday if I could get it. I love every thing about sex. I started having sex at very young age, too young, and I pretty much never went without for more than month at a time after that. When I married my husband we had a very active sex life all the way up until he started having ED problems. Then it was like I was just cut off abruptly. This was like a shock to the system or the psyche more like for me. Of course I have toys and I know how to take care of myself, but it’s just not the same. Just as only having oral sex with my husband just isn’t the same. It’s not the same as being penetrated by a man.
I could go out and find some random guy and bang his brains out, of this I have no doubt…. but that isn’t what I want. I get offers from different guys that I’ve known for however long, messaging me on facebook, etc. And as tempting as that sometimes is…. there is only one person that I want to have sex with…. and though it should be my husband, it’s not….. D is the only man that I want, but I can’t have him. (If you’ve read other blog posts you’ll know that D is the man that I love but am not with and can never have.) I have begged him and begged him to please, please come see me, just once, just one time and I swear this would all be better…. but for reasons of his own, he is not able to come. I don’t know if this means that he’ll never be able to come, or if it means that someday he’ll be able to, but he just doesn’t know when so he doesn’t say anything about it, I don’t know….. Whatever the case, this man D, he is the only one that I want and I want him so bad that there are days that I truly feel like I’m going to come completely unglued, go for real live nuts. I ache inside for him to make love to me, my heart hurts so bad. I sometimes wish that someone else would come along and make me feel the way he does, but someone who can actually see me, someone who can come to me. This has been going on for a year and a half with D and I now, and it was bad before him, but now that he’s in my life and I’ve fallen so deeply in love with him, it just makes it even worse.
I actually started going back to therapy over this and some other things recently. That’s how bad this is, how serious. I already have a deep underlying depression that I’m working on fixing, and now I have this to add to the depression and let me tell you, most days I think a lot about dying. No, I’m not suicidal, not in the manner that I’m going to do something to myself, however I do not care whether I live or die, in fact, I pray for death most days. It isn’t just not having sex that makes me feel that way of course, there are a whole bunch of reasons combined together that make me feel that way, the not being able to have sex is just like the icing on the cake…. it’s like what makes the cookie crumble…. and this cookie feels like she’s crumbling most of the time. I am on depression meds, I’ve been taking them right, as well as my mood stabilizers. I’m back in therapy. I pray all the time, I read His word. I don’t know what else to do. I know this may sound ridiculous to some, but I just want to have sex!!!!!! At this point, I’m almost starting to not care who with, but then I regain my composure.
I don’t know anymore…. I’m not in love with my husband, he can’t have sex with me either way….. I’m in love with a man I shouldn’t be, a man who’s married himself and lives fifteen hours away…. I want sex so bad I can’t stand myself…. I’m depressed all the time…. I feel hopeless most days…… as always, I’m a mess.
I do not like jealousy, especially when it’s me who’s jealous. I HATE that feeling…. it truly is a green eyed monster. I’ve been jealous before, don’t get me wrong, but this particular jealousy, it will eat me up if I don’t do something to try and cope with it now. I just don’t know what is that I can do to make it go away. I guess I should start by saying that the reason I’m talking about this right now is because D is on a trip with his wife, somewhere up in Canada. I know that I should NOT be jealous…. he isn’t technically my man. Despite the fact that we have a connection, a bond, like none other I’ve ever experienced, including with my husband, he is not my husband or my boyfriend, so I have no right to have ill feelings about him taking a little vacation with her. She’s gone a lot because of her job, sometimes being gone for weeks, and I know he misses her so much during those times, so really, technically (there’s that word again), they need and deserve this trip. Plus he works long hours at a job he hates, so yes, he deserves this. Yet for some stupid and horrible reason, the though of it eats me up inside…. it hurts my heart…. and it’s stupid! Because I knew when we started talking that we would never be anything more than what we are now, and neither one of us are really even sure what that is…. what exactly you call this. It’s not like a traditional man/woman relationship because we both have spouses/family’s, responsibilities to those families, we can’t “be together”, what he have is on here – the computer I mean…. yet it has felt to me for the past year and a half more like a true relationship than the marriage I’m in now and any other relationship I’d had in the past. So I’ve always known, and accepted that we will never be together. This trip thing though…. I don’t know…. when he told me he was going, I was instantly disappointed, jealous, upset, and unsure of why all at the same time. I felt terrible. All I could do is say, Oh…. Really? I think part of these feelings I’m having come from the fact that I’m in a miserable marriage that is failing more and more everyday it seems, and when I say there truly is nothing that can fix it besides the Lord, I mean it with all my heart. I do not love him like a wife loves her husband, not anymore. He is not attractive to me in any kind of way. I feel terrible about all this too, I struggle with it constantly. I try to make myself start feeling that way again, and sometimes it starts to work and he’s nice back, but by the end of the day, something has ruined it, we’ve gotten angry with each other or argued or something like that. We have not had actual penetrating intercourse in about two and a half years and he doesn’t touch me very often anymore, which kind of doesn’t matter, because I have to force myself to do things with him in the first place. I have to close my eyes and imagine D. So as you can see, my relationship with my husband pretty much sucks. And so I think that part of my bad feelings toward D and his wife doing stuff together, even little things, just the thought of them together period, it makes me so friggin green with envy, jealousy and I think it’s partly because I don’t have that in my marriage, and I probably never will…. they do, and they probably always will…. and no matter how much he tells me he loves me, I’ll never be her… I’ll never be first, I’ll never matter more…. she’ll always be number one, as it is supposed to be with your spouse. She’s the one he lays down with at night in bed…. she’s the one he makes love to. she’s the one that gets to touch him, kiss him…. all the things that I don’t get to do but yet long to so so bad. I get so frustrated because after all we’ve/I’ve been through this last year and a half almost that we’ve been talking…. the one thing I keep begging him and asking him to do for me it to just PLEASE come see me…. please come and make love to me, let me see you, let me see your real, to touch his body to feel his skin beneath my fingers…. all of it and more. It’s not just sex that I want to see him for (although that’d be beyond awesome), it’s just about seeing him, just once, meeting him in person….. I NEED this, and I’ve told him over and over again. that if he would just come, if he would do this one thing for me, he has no idea how much better I’ll feel and be afterward. I don’t think he believes me though. I even spoke to a counselor I was seeing about it, and he actually agreed that I need to see D, that way I can start dealing with my feelings for him and what to do. It is terrible someday’s, it’s like I am literally obsessed with him coming to see me. It’s all I can think about most days, even when I’m think of other things he’s there in the back of my mind. I bug him about it all the time. I can’t help it, seriously….. I just don’t get it, I get so frustrated…. WHY!? won’t he take a couple days and travel the 15 hrs. to get here and come see me, just for a few hours, we both know I couldn’t be too long but I could stay long enough. If his wife is gone and she won’t be back for a couple weeks or so, then WHY? He gets three days in a row off every other weekend…. he could take Monday off…. I’ve actually sat and thought and planned all this…. How fucking pathetic and creepy creeper like is THAT? I mean seriously. He knows how much I have going on in my life, he knows how terrible I’m feeling and have been feeling for the last couple years….. I’ve told him a million times that I can’t explain it, but him coming to see me would end all this craziness, that I can’t explain how I know or why, but it’s what I feel. Anyway, yes, I’m jealous…. I’m human too? I just wish he’d realize, she gets him for the rest of their lives…. I don’t. I get him when he can be with me online or on cam. So why is trip to see me such a big deal?? *sigh* I’m hurting….. really bad. Not just about this either, other things too, but I’m not gonna write about those tonight. I sometimes just wish I’d get over him…. but then I can’t picture my life without him. Idk…..
As stated in Part 1 of this, after the incident where Sean, my future husband at the time, hugged me while I was crying, we started seeing each other regularly. He even left and went to his brothers downstate for a couple weeks and I found out what his brothers number was through some friends and called him down there and told him he better get his ass back up here because I was waiting for him…. lol, oh my. He was on the bus back up here the next day…. 🙂 He pretty much moved in with me at that point, I was living in a tiny efficiency apartment, sleeping on the floor while Travis slept in a play pen, and four months later we were married. I was so sure that it was the right thing to do, not taking into account that I depended on Sean to feed my addiction, even though he thought he was helping because he was controlling how much I took, making sure it wasn’t “too much”, just enough to keep me from getting sick. I now know that somewhere in the back of my mind, this was part of the reason I was with him, part of the reason I married him, this and the fact that he took excellent care of Travis, treating him as if he were his own and loving him that way too I think. Eventually as time went on, we began bickering as couples often do, but it turned into something way more than just bickering, it turned into arguing, fighting, and all out war sometimes. We fought over all kinds of things, but when I was an addict, we mostly fought over that and things related to it. I stole pain medication from him, lied to him, begged him to find ways to get me what I needed to keep from being sick, As I’ve said before, I went to rehab/detox several times and never completed it once, plus all the trips I took to the psychiatric ward. I was terrible, an awful mess. Also as I said before though, I had been praying for a couple of years for the Lord to just please take these cravings away, please take this addiction away…. and one day, I woke up, and it was just gone, the cravings weren’t there anymore. I’ve been clean since. This happened shortly after the birth of our son James, but I was an active addict all the way through his pregnancy. Actually, the doctor had me on a drug called Subutex to help keep me clean, it was supposed to take away the cravings for opiates, kind of in a similar fashion to Methadone. Anyway, Subutex is a main ingredient to Suboxone which is used to stop cravings in opiate addicts. Since I was pregnant I couldn’t take Suboxone. So I took Subutex for almost my whole pregnancy, the doctor who prescribed it told me that if my baby went through withdrawals, they would be a lot less severe than those of a baby born addicted to Methadone. Not true. My son James was born severely addicted and was flown out to the other side of the state within 24 hours of being born, he spent 31 days in the NICU weening off of opiates on Methadone. He went through withdrawals even after the hospital, just not as severe. All because of my stupid addiction, my selfishness, and no this is not a pity party, I don’t feel bad for myself, I do get angry at myself sometimes however. My son is now five years old, healthy, and smart as whip, but it could’ve been different. We’re lucky. So, like I said, shortly after James was born is when the cravings stopped and I stopped abusing opiates. It was great not battling that addiction everyday, trying to fight those cravings and losing…. but I was still battling bad bouts of depression, and they started lasting longer each time it seemed. At one point I was seriously considering shooting myself. I was having postpartum depression after having James and then not being able to take him home with us for thirty-one days, I think it was all getting to me. One day when no one was home I closed and locked our bedroom door, took one of my husbands guns out from behind the door, and I sat down on the bed with it, looking it over, seeing if I could figure out how to load it, and then, I put the gun in my mouth, to see if I could pull the trigger with it in my mouth. I ended up telling Sean about it within the next few days after that incident. I knew then that I needed some kind of help. I ended up being hospitalized like four times in one quarter that year, once for blacking out and trying to stab Sean in the shoulder, but when I spun him around, he had baby James in his arms and it snapped me out of it. I was in a bad way during that time of my life, as far as my depression went, and I was shifting from one mood to the next so rapidly. I have been diagnosed with Ultradian Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. I’m not going to explain right now what that is, but lets just say that it feels like being on a roller coaster of emotions that can change at any given moment. With the help of a great primary care physician and a really good friend, Ms. Sally, whom I began calling my spiritual mom, I was able to start battling this. I was going to mental health regularly and I was doing my best to take my meds consistently. Eventually we received a notice that the man we were renting from had not been paying his land contract payments and that our home would go up for sheriff’s auction in a few weeks. Our only options were to take the house over on land contract, (which it had too many problems for us to do that on our budget), or move. So, we began the search for a place to live. My husband has a felony on his record from thirty something years ago, and hasn’t been in trouble since, but people still held that against us, and finding a place proved harder than we thought. We ended up in a basement apartment, with only one window in the whole place, underneath a tanning salon, on a main road, with no yard or anything else. We originally intended on staying for only a little while, a year at the most, but we ended up being there for almost three years…. and let me tell you, they were three miserable years. Living in a place with no natural light and already being depressed…. HA! I”m sure you can imagine what was bound to happen. My depression just kept getting worse, my marriage just kept getting worse. I also started working on the adult cam website and met D during this time. In my husband’s eyes I can do nothing right, and that is not just an exaggeration. In his mind, I am the cause of ALL of our problems, and he will/has even gone as far as to tell this to people we know, including pastors, and he’s completely serious about this. He truly believes that our problems are all from me, he says that he’ll admit he doesn’t make them better by being nasty and mean to me and yelling, etc, but that if I didn’t do what I do, he wouldn’t do what he does. He always tells me to fix my problems and our problems will go away. To me, that is just soooo infuriating. He’s almost fifty-five years old, I highly doubt he’s going to change his ways now. He is forever getting nasty with me, calling me names, putting me down. He has told me before that getting off drugs wasn’t enough. I know I am not a gem, I’m not easy to live with by any means, I am aware of this. I am not a good housewife, I don’t clean, or cook, or do laundry, or open mail and respond to it, I don’t pay the bills, (he does), I don’t do the things with my kids that I should do, don’t spend quality time with them like I should. We moved in October of 2014 to a house that we are buying on land contract. It is a beautiful home on 2.3 acres of land with a two car garage and like five outbuildings. Our property is beautiful, has a huge garden plot on it, lots of trees. The house is gorgeous. I have not unpacked one single box, with the exception of the main bathroom, and that’s it. We have a whole garage full of boxes, plus an enclosed porch full, and some in the house…. and I haven’t even started. And obviously I’m not keeping up on the cleaning either. I do not want for this house to end up nasty, it’s embarrassing, yet I just can’t seem to force myself to do anything. I’m tired literally ALL the time, all I ever wanna do is sleep, especially during the day, and then it seems I’m up til late at night. Even when I am awake during the day, I’m sluggish and I have no ambition. My diet is poor, I rarely eat, and when I do, it’s junk, it’s nothing that’s good for me. Yet we don’t have any kind of food assistance and so that doesn’t help, it’s not like we have a huge selection as to what we can buy. So I know my diet plays a part in the way that I feel. I saw a friend recently that I haven’t seen in several years, we sat down and caught up for a bit, and they said to me, “You’ve given up haven’t you…. I can see it in your face when you talk”, and they were right in a sense, I have given up to an extent. I mean, I’m married to a man that I don’t really want to be married to, yet I DO NOT have a choice, and no, no I don’t have a choice seriously. I cannot survive financially without my husband, and because of my physical issues, and mental ones too, I am not able to work the type of jobs that I have the education level to get, since I don’t have a G.E.D. or diploma. Not only that, but I would have to fight for my youngest son, and my chances of winning with my history aren’t that great. Not to mention, Sean is the type that would take off with him to a different state, he doesn’t care what the law says. Also, as sad as it may sound, pathetic, but I can’t raise these boys alone. They have no respect for me and I have no control over them. It’s their dad they listen to, not me, I’m a joke, and when I do try to spank them now or tell them to do something, they laugh. There are a lot of reasons that people just don’t understand as to why I can’t leave my husband. Trust me, if I could, I would. It is not easy being married to one man, but being totally in love with another, it’s not easy when you know you should have all these feelings for your husband, but you feel them for another man…. it is not easy knowing that this other man is happily married, and that even though he loves you, you will never be first place. I get so fucking tired of hurting, I am so tired of aching inside. I wouldn’t actually kill myself, but everyday when I wake up, I am disappointed that I woke up and have to face another day. I pray for the Lord to take me home, to let my time be up, I ask him daily. I am stuck in this life, I made my bed, and now I am lying in it. I married a man that I did not know long enough, and now I am suffering the consequences of it, along with trying to deal with my mental/emotional disorders, mainly depression. Because I did not think ahead like I thought I did. My boys are growing up in this environment that is just not good for them. They are learning things that they should not be learning. I am so afraid they are going to screwed in the head because of their father and myself, and it will be no one’s fault but my own for not saving them, for not protecting them. Everyone tells me how strong I am because of the things I’ve been through since childhood, but you know what, I get tired of being strong, and maybe I just don’t have it in me to be strong any longer. This darkness, it wraps itself around me, as soon I start to see daylight, it wraps me in total darkness…… This is my darkness, and it’s not even the full shebang… the full story. This is a condensed version. Somewhere in this darkness, there has to be a light…. doesn’t there?
How pathetic I am…. I wait for him online all the time it seems. All day I either keep my pc on and I’m forever going to check it for him or his messages, or I’ll turn it off, but every hour or so, I turn it on and check for him. His wife is home right now, so I know that I’m not going to get to talk to him much anyway, not until she leaves again. I know he has to be careful, and I know he wants to spend time with her because he misses her when she’s away…. but I still get jealous. I think part of my jealousy is that I don’t have that in my own marriage. My husband and I don’t spend quality time together, we don’t even get along. I get so depressed over it all. I know one thing’s for sure, D’s wife is a very lucky woman, and I hope she knows that. That depression that so often lives inside of me is really thriving lately. I look at my boys and I know that they are the reason I keep going, keep fighting this battle. I may not be the best mom, maybe not even a good one at times, but I’m still their mom, and I know from losing my own mom, that any mom is better than no mom. So I wake up in the morning and I try, for them, I may not always try my hardest, but I do try. They are my heart. I feel bad that I have fallen so deeply in love with another man, one that I will never have, but I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t expect it, and I surely didn’t ask for it. I tried something, hoping to bring a little extra money into the house, and ended up meeting someone that I feel is my soul mate, and yes, I believe that soul mates can meet but not necessarily be meant to be together, or aren’t able to be. This man, my D, I love him more than words can say, but at the same time, my relationship with him, the situation of it all, it’s depressing…. all I want is to see him, touch him once. I know we can never be together, I’ve accepted that. What I can’t accept it not seeing him ever. As I sit here and sigh, I know that life is up to me in a lot of ways, I just have to do it. Get up and fix what’s wrong…. but it’s easier said than done. Like so many others, I just get really tired sometimes. Well, I think my rant is over now.
The pain of being in love with someone that you know you’ll never have, it can sometimes be incapacitating, for me anyway. I find myself waiting around my computer all the time, most hours of the day, when I’m not sleeping, which is something I do a lot of, but that’s a whole other story. I already have depression issues and motivation problems. I don’t take care of the things I should be, like normal housework and family responsibilities. I think about this man literally 24/7 and I don’t know what to do about it. A couple of the very few people who know, they tell me to just let him go…. but I can’t do that. It would be the last straw before I finally broke I think if I lost him. It gets so bad sometimes, so bad that I feel like I just can’t take it anymore, like I want to scream and cry, crawl the walls…. hating the fact that there’s nothing I can do to get to him. I’d never be able to. A flight would cost WAY more money than I could ever dream of somehow saving, and I couldn’t drive because it’s my husband’s vehicle, not mine technically and it’s the only one we have… plus gas would be almost as expensive as flying, and a bus, well it cost a bunch too. Plus I could never just leave…. my husband would never allow me back if I just took off, and I’m not allowed to go places on my own. I think about it though. I beg D to come see me all the time. I know it’s not just that easy for him either…. but damn it, it’s easier for him than it is me, at least his wife is out of town on work for weeks at a time….. My heart hurts so bad all the time. The only thing I can ever see fixing this craziness I have for him, is being able to physically see him, touch him, be wrapped in his arms….. I feel like something is wrong with me because of the way I feel, because it’s all I seem to ever think about, it seems like in one way or another I’m always thinking of him. I get depressed about the whole situation, and I cry…. not because of anything he’s done to me, but because of the whole situation period. It tears me apart inside to know that there’s a good chance that I will never get to see him face to face, in the flesh…. it hurts more than I could’ve ever imagined possible. It hurts to think about the fact that his wife gets to be with him when she’s home and not gone for work… that she gets to live a normal husband/wife relationship with him…. she gets to go do things with him from as small as going to the grocery store to going out with him somewhere. Then there’s the fact that she gets to make love with him…. OMG and I one big green eyed jealous monster over that, and I hate myself for it…. it’s not fair, they’re supposed to, they’re husband and wife and just because I can’t have sex in my marriage, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be able to. I guess my biggest issue with all that is that it would only take one time of coming to see me for all these needs to be fulfilled and I know I would not be so crazy like this over it all. It’s not like I don’t have other offers from guys who want to sleep with me, even though they know I’m married… but I never pursue any of them back, because there’s only one man I want, and it isn’t my husband, sadly. I told D the other day that even if my husband were able to get an erection, I still wouldn’t want to have sex with him, because I want the next time I do it to be with him (D), and I’m serious. When D’s angry or upset with me, or I think he is… it’s like someone hits this ‘panic’ button inside of me and I start to completely panic, start losing it, logic is gone. I write him long messages on google hangout, I email him, I text message him and I’ve even called him a few times… I turn into the crazy girl!! And I hate it!! He’s put up with a lot of craziness from me over the last year, I have to admit that, and he’s still stuck around. He still loves me, he still always comes back (to hangout that is). I have never, ever, in my whole life felt this way about someone… not just the sexual attraction, but the connection, the deep and strong love, the way he’s taken over my mind…. it’s like I’m consumed by him and my feelings for him. No matter what though… there is nothing that will ever be done about any of this, it is simply something that will always only be what we have online, through camming…. it will never be a true relationship, no matter how badly either one of us desire it to be… he’s happily married to his wife and I unfortunately am very unhappily married to my husband, but I’m stuck with him (that’s another story for another time), we are both in our respective situations… and very sadly, we may never get to meet each other in person…. and that, that is the most painful part of it all for me, that is what hurts the most. I just want to lay my hands on him once, feel that he’s real, feel the warmth of his skin. My heart aches everyday, and my depression worsens everyday…. going to see a therapist didn’t help…. I’ve tried to do things to take my mind away from him, become interested in something or someone else, trying to rekindle the flame with my husband, but the whole time, D is all I can think about…. I pray to God all the time to help me with this, to help it go away and to help me understand why, why him of all people, why not my husband…. why did I have to fall in love, this kind of love, with someone I can’t have and he can’t have. I don’t know anymore, it’s been over a year, and I just don’t know how much longer I can go on without seeing him…. but there’s nothing I can do about that. This is truly one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I have ever went through, especially of this nature. I know I’m wrong for loving another man, but I did not plan of falling in love… ever…. especially a painful love.
Have you ever experienced a love so overwhelming, so powerful and deep, that you know it is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before or will ever experience again? The kind of love that makes your heart burst and your soul overflow, where you feel like you’ve finally found that missing piece to your soul, to you. You’re sure there’s something wrong with you because that person is the only thing you can think of, the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing at night, along with every hour in between. Where it gets to a point that you’re sure you’re obsessed and in need of help. Well that’s how I feel about D. I feel that and so much more. I actually started going to counseling because I knew that what I was feeling and the way I was thinking about him was not healthy…. but the therapist told me that we can’t control our feelings, only how we react to them. So everyday, I wake up, and I think about this man, not the one lying next to me, but one hundreds of miles away, I think about him and how he’s already at work and wonder if he’s having a good day, or if it’s his day off, I wonder if he’s sleeping in. On the mornings that he works, I set my alarm for 5 a.m. so I can get up and send him an email with a good morning image and some other quotes, etc. I write it the night before and get up at 5 and send it to him, then go back to bed .I would NEVER do that for someone, not before, not even for my husband when things were good between us. Things are just different with D, everything is… he makes me feel unlike anyone has ever made me feel before. He loves me for who I am, and no one, no man especially, has ever done that before…. sure, he’d like me to better myself, but he’s happy with me just the way I am if that’s the way I choose to be. He believes in me, he never puts me down but instead always builds me up. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy despite all my physical flaws. There are just so many things that are different with him. He knows me in a way that no one else ever has, he sees me differently too. He will literally text me or IM me sometimes when I’m sad and be like, “What’s wrong?”, and I’ll be totally blown away because I really am feeling bad and he’ll just somehow know…. and it happens to me with him sometimes too. I believe that we are connected on a deeper level than most. I don’t understand why, for what reason…. we’ll never be able to have one another…. we’re both married, both have families… I always ask myself, ‘how could two soulmates meet, but not be able to have one another?’, but I guess it happens. All I know is that everyday, my heart aches for a man I’ll never have, while I sit miserably with the one I do have.
New Years Day… A day for reflection of the last year, and contemplation on the year ahead. Sounds about right, doesn’t it? Or at least legit. I think all the time, I mean my mind is never just blank, or without a thought or twenty, but sometimes, as with anyone, my thoughts are deeper than other times. Well today, some deep thought came as my husband was lying on the bed in just his underwear, talking to me, and I was getting annoyed listening to him, for no good reason really. It was in that moment, looking at him, that I realized how completely unattractive he is to me and that I am so not in love with him. I was just totally disgusted by everything about him physically, hit with it full force all at once…. and I felt so guilty about it, but at the same time, I felt like, “now what do I do?”…. You see, leaving him is just not an option, not right now anyway, if ever that I can see. So now what? Here I am, stuck being married to this man that’s twenty-five years my senior, and the love I once had for him is just completely lost, the attraction I once felt completely gone. There has been too much ugliness between the two of us, any beauty in it long gone. To top it all off, I am not only just not in love with my husband anymore, not attracted to him, but I am totally, completely and helplessly, hopelessly in love with another man, one that can never be mine, will never be…. A man that I can only love from afar, a man that only has real time for me when his wife isn’t home….. and even though that man loves me back, it still doe not change the situation between us or the one at hand. This love for this other man, D, it has taken over me it seems, I honestly feel like one of those obsessed whack job stalker types!!! Who the hell does that? Feels that way? And why?!! For the love of Christ, WHY ME??!! I did not ask to fall in love with someone, I did not ask to meet this particular man, although one could say that I asked to meet a man in general because of what I was doing at the time I met D…. but still, my point is, I didn’t choose to fall in love, to feel these insane feelings I feel…. didn’t ask to obsess about seeing a man that I’m most likely never gonna see….. didn’t ask for being able to see him to be the main focus in my life for over a year now…. That is not healthy, it is not normal, I have a family to take care of, kids… yet it is how I feel, it is what I’m going through. Life is too overwhelming….. I have to do something this year to lessen the chaos…. I need to learn to deal with my feelings…. I may not be able to control what I feel, but I can control how I let that feeling affect me, I think… Love truly does hurt… in my case the situation at hand is what hurts…. and the knowing that I’ll always be in second place when it comes to the man I love…. his wife will always be first place, (which is as it should be, but still no easier to accept). He’ll always put me after her, and I’ll always be waiting around to hear from him, to have time with him, and that’s pretty pathetic I know…. My problem is, I don’t know what to do about all of this. I can’t seem to walk away from either man, even though it seems that ridding myself of them would be the solution…. it definitely would not be…. I could maybe see under the right circumstance ridding myself of the one, (my husband), but I just can’t see getting rid of D…. I can’t even imagine it…. So yes, I have my work cut out for me this year, for sure….and this isn’t even the half of it…. oy vey.