My heart is so broken right now. I just want to fall off the face of the earth. He’s done the one thing he said he’d never do to me. He went away. He promised me he’d never go away like everyone else, and he did. After all the bullshit he fed me about how he loved me and would be with me in a heartbeat if he could, he left his wife finally, but not for me…. for someone else. Someone he’s know for a month. I’ve wasted almost two years of my life on the internet with him, two years of thinking about him constantly, all to have my heart shattered, ripped out and stomped on. But, I guess it serves me right for having an “internet affair” on my husband. This new girl actually emailed me pics of herself, smh, the fact that she’s ugly only hurts more. I’d have rather her been beautiful, at least I could see why maybe a little better. Right now, I don’t care about life. I want to cut so bad and death is my wish upon a star. I do these things to myself, bring pain into my life by my choices. I constantly fuck up. FML, fuck it real good.
I hate that this hurts so much, I hate that I’m letting it get me even farther down than I already was, but I just can’t seem to help it. You told me from the beginning that you’d always be here, that you wouldn’t leave me like everyone else has. You told me you believed in me and that we could walk this journey together, even if not physically together. You know all the hurt that I’ve been through, all the struggles. I believed everything you ever told me, even when my instinct from being hurt so much told me not to. I’ve loved you with every ounce of love I had to give. You have my heart completely, yet you’re breaking it into a million pieces. You’ve shut me out. Refusing to talk to me. You call me selfish for being so upset because you won’t talk to me about what’s going on, but what do you expect? How am I supposed to react? I’ve been so worried about you, so worried you’re going to do something crazy. I know you don’t want your marriage to end, or at least I don’t think so. I don’t want it to either because that means you being unhappy and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I’m so angry at you right now, I just can’t believe you’d do this to me. You have to know how badly you are hurting me and yet you still won’t just talk to me. The texts we do share are short, you don’t say much and you haven’t been very nice. I’m pretty sure that if I haven’t lost you yet, I’m going to. My calls all forwarded immediately. I just wish that you would be big enough to tell me that you don’t want me in your life anymore and why maybe, but at least tell me, don’t just ignore me and shut me out. I’m starting to wonder if you were ever who I really thought you were in the first place.
It has occurred to me that I am now following over one hundred blogs, and I started thinking to myself, exactly how many of those hundred plus blogs do I actually read and on a regular basis…. the truth is, sadly, not many, I just don’t have time to read them all…. I have kids and a family and my own blog to try and keep up with as best I can. I wish that I could read a post from every blog I follow, every day, but I’m not sure that’s possible, lol. So anyway, I decided that with Spring here and all, I’d start weeding out those blogs that I don’t read, that don’t appeal to me, etc. I’ve decided to go through all the blogs that I follow and read their about page first, then read a post or two by them, if I like it, I’ll keep them on my “blogs I follow” list, if not, I’ll be taking them off.
This is not meant to offend anyone, whatsoever, so I truly hope no one will have any harsh feelings, it’s just that I feel if I’m going to have an enjoyable experience on here, not only writing, but reading too, I might as well be reading about things that I’m interested in or can relate to, or stuff I just like. I’m sure everyone wants their wordpress to be tailor fitted to them. Anyway, I’m not going to defend myself anyway, but I guess that’s just how I am, lol.
I am delving into my blogging world right now to try and keep my mind off of the real world that is going on around me, because I don’t want to deal with the pain and the truth of what is really happening right now. I feel like I’m losing the other half to me, as though I’ve been cut in two. The sadness and confusion and anger and not understanding are so great it’s unbearable. So I have to put my mind into something, even if it’s blogging. At least at helps me to not thing about all the hurt for the time being, for the moments that I’m writing. All I want right now is for everything in my life to go back to the way it was a week ago, back to before things changed in his mind. The hardest part of this all is the not responding to me no matter how often I text or email him or I’ve even went as far as to call him a few times and yes I know I sound obsessed about it and I guess maybe I am, but I don’t understand why he’d just quit talking to me with no nothing. Especially after the way the last month or two has been, we’ve been a lot closer. Now all of a sudden, nothing. I realize he could have a totally legit reason, and I honest to God pray that he does, and that it’s not, his feelings about me have changed, we can’t do this anymore, what we’ve been doing is wrong, I love my wife and want to fix things with her and can’t do that with our relationship too, etc. etc., Idk, stuff like that. And how terrible do I sound because really those are all the right things he should say… but I don’t want him too. I want him to say that he wants to keep what we’ve had the last year and a half, that he does love me, and that he meant it when he said I was a part of him now, and the other things he’s said. At least one of those things even.
So now for the next several days maybe, I will be going through all the blogs I follow and doing what I said above, weeding through them. It’s not a popularity contest, lol, who I am, just some random blogger. If you still choose to follow my blog even though I don’t follow yours, I truly appreciate that and it means a lot. I will also be doing my best to get more posts in as I’m doing all this. Thank you to all my supporters, followers, and especially readers, you rock!! 🙂