My heart is so broken right now. I just want to fall off the face of the earth. He’s done the one thing he said he’d never do to me. He went away. He promised me he’d never go away like everyone else, and he did. After all the bullshit he fed me about how he loved me and would be with me in a heartbeat if he could, he left his wife finally, but not for me…. for someone else. Someone he’s know for a month. I’ve wasted almost two years of my life on the internet with him, two years of thinking about him constantly, all to have my heart shattered, ripped out and stomped on. But, I guess it serves me right for having an “internet affair” on my husband. This new girl actually emailed me pics of herself, smh, the fact that she’s ugly only hurts more. I’d have rather her been beautiful, at least I could see why maybe a little better. Right now, I don’t care about life. I want to cut so bad and death is my wish upon a star. I do these things to myself, bring pain into my life by my choices. I constantly fuck up. FML, fuck it real good.
So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.
My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.
Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up.
You’re hurting me and you don’t even seem to care. I feel like everything has been a lie this whole time. You were supposed to be my best friend. You said you believed in me, you loved me, that you’d always be there and you’d never leave me like everyone else. It all must have been just words though, because you’ve shut me out so tight I can barely see through a crack. Answering me in small sentences and one word answers on the rare occasions you do talk to me. And now you’ve got me wondering if you’re actually seeing someone else and you refuse to answer me when I ask. WTF is that?? Hasn’t our time meant anything?? Three weeks ago you said you’d marry me in a heartbeat if situations were different, so what IS this?? Why do you insist on hurting me…. I can’t take this kind of hurt again, you are killing me inside…. I don’t even care anymore.
Broken, my wounded heart is bleeding, bruised beyond recognition, and he’s holding it in his hands;
It feels as though he has ripped it out of my chest, with bare hands, my blood dripping down his fingers.
This can’t be happening, this can’t be real, I keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not;
For if I were dreaming, I would not feel this God awful pain in my heart, my chest, my mind and soul, all through me;
I cannot think straight, my mind is disobeying my commands to focus on something else, no matter how hard I try;
My thoughts always end up going back to him, back to whatever the hell this is that’s going on right now.
The pain and the thought of it all,the realities and everything, just keep slamming me in the face over and over;
And I never know when it’s going to happen, they’re like surprise attacks of harsh reality and deep emotional pain.
I never expected this, I just don’t understand, how could things go from being fine to this…. how??
The part I hate myself for the most, is believing that these last couple months would stay that good, even with him;
I knew it was too good to be true, it always is, but all the things you’ve said to me, recently and past, what about that?
I had a hard time trusting in the beginning anyway, then I finally give my trust and all of me;
And once again, I’m left hurting from it… I just don’t understand… you promised you’d never go away.
I know you are most likely hurting right now, and I realize it’s selfish of me to not show concern;
I am just so wrapped up in my own feelings and confusion over what is going on, wanting answers;
Answers I’m not getting, but I’m suppose to not act crazy… okay…. I’m scared that I’ve lost you.
My mind is in total chaos mode, I literally cannot think straight, I can’t complete tasks correctly, I can’t focus;
I literally ache inside constantly, aching for you, just to hear from you even, but especially to know what’s up.
I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s right that you won’t tell me, you told your wife about us;
That much I did get at least, but what does that mean dammit, why did you tell her, what is going on;
Does this mean that the you and I that just so recently existed is going to be nothing now, over with;
Will I lose you too, just as I have lost all those in my life that I have loved either by death or separation?
All the promises you made me, like how you’d never go away, that we’d always be friends and you’d never give up on me;
Promises to see me, telling me you loved me, and that you’d never chose between us, there’s so much more than just this.
Every good thing you said to me, I’ve believed, I’ve always taken your word for everything, never questioning you;
I’m sorry that I’m still not better after a year and a half, trust that I want to be and it hurts to know you feel that way.
Every time you told me you were proud of me, it was more inspiration to work at this harder, I wanted to make you proud;
I know my progress has been slow, but I have made some, and that’s definitely better than none.
Come back to me my best friend, please speak to me and explain, tell me what is going on with you and us;
Help me to understand why all this is happening please, I know I have said selfish things, but please don’t stop talking to me;
Everyone always leaves, everything good in my life turns to shit, everyone always gives up on me, get tired of me;
And I can’t blame them, I’m a mess, crazy, too much to handle, I ruin everything good in my life, that’s truth.
I’ve been waiting for a prior authorization from my psychiatrist to go through with my insurance company for a couple of weeks now, on a medicine called Provigil. It’s a drug that is used to promote wakefulness in adults who have certain sleep disorders, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and things of that nature. It is also been used to help treat depression and several other things as well, I believe. Though it has traits of an amphetamine, it is not one. It’s an expensive drug and I did not expect the prior authorization to go through, I figured they’d deny it and we’d have to appeal it and go through all that nonsense.
The reason I thought that, was because I had already been through that battle once, a few years back with my old primary care physician. She tried like hell to get me on this medication and that damn insurance turned her down every effin time. I mean she jumped through hoops trying to get me on this medication and getting the proof or enough proof that I needed it and would benefit from it. In the end, I never did end up getting approved.
So anyway, I was standing in the kitchen yesterday and my husband walked up and tossed me a piece of mail. It was from my insurance company, I get stuff from them all the time, and I won’t lie, I don’t open most of my mail, it sits, unopened, indefinitely for the most part, unless it’s a bill or something else “important”. I’m sure I probably miss some stuff that I should be reading, but nevertheless, my unopened mail piles grow and then turn into boxes of unopened and opened mail along with receipts, and we start over again. Whew!!! LOL I went a little off the trail there for a second, but as I was saying, I was holding this piece of mail from the insurance company, and I went to throw it up on the counter and something caught my eye, I can’t remember what it said, ‘approval’ maybe, but it was enough to make me think of my prior authorization and open it. Sure enough, it was a letter stating that they had approved my prior authorization for Provigil and that it was now covered for me to take for a year, before I’m up for revaluation!!! Woo hoo!! Truly, thank you God!!!!<3
So I finally got approved for it, so I can try it and see if it makes a difference and helps me so that I’m not so tired and sleeping all the time; and also I can see if it helps with the depression at all. It’d be so nice if it helped with both. My only fear is that my body will become tolerant to it too quickly and it will no longer work like it did in the beginning, or like it should. My body does that with medications, all kinds of medications, even things like antibiotics and crap, it’s nuts. I did it to myself though, ruined my body by being an addict, this is just one of the results of being a recovering addict. I pretty much rewired everything in my brain, it’s hard to get that back, if you even can, and I don’t think you’ll ever get all of it. There I go being Negative Nancy again though, God, it’s terrible, like I just set myself up for failure and disappointment with my thoughts and words!! I don’t wanna be that person.
What I’m really hoping, is that this Provigil, in addition to the two antidepressants I’m on, the mood stabilizer, and the anti anxiety medication, will finally make a difference I can actually feel. I wanted to write, ‘lol’ back there just now, after I said, “What I’m really hoping is that this Provigil in addition to the two antidepressants I’m on…..” and so on, because I realized how funny and crazy that really sounds…. maybe not to you or anyone else, but to me it does, if only because it’s my life and I’m thinking to myself, “Look at you, do you hear all those medications you’re on? What in the hell happened here? You’re a headcase. It always comes back to this, it seems like no matter what it always comes back to the “mental illnesses” that I deal with and it’s like it’s a never ending battle, I just thought, how funny the predictability of all this is and what a nut I felt like after listing off all those different types of meds I’m on. I’m giving it a shot though, because why the hell shouldn’t I really, I mean, anything within reason is worth a shot if it might make you feel better.
I’ll give all these medications a chance to work together in my system to see if together they make a difference that not only I can feel, but that can be seen by those close to me hopefully too. I know it takes time for everything to get into your system, everything has a different saturation point, so I think it’s probably best that I give it at least two months, if not three, before deciding whether or not it’s all making any difference or not. I’d like to try to keep a med journal, lol, but for me that’s like, I don’t even know, lol. Let’s just say I don’t do well on commitment to those sorts of things. Hell, one of my biggest problems with all this depression and medication crap is, I have a really hard time remembering to take my morning doses of my medications!!!! I am almost thirty years old, and I still cannot take my medications like an adult.
For years now I’ve struggled with taking my medications in the morning. Night meds have never been a problem, I always take my night meds and there’s nothing “good” in my night meds either, lol, just to be clear. I’ve tried all kinds of different things to get myself to take my meds in the morning. I have a sign that hangs from the cupboard right in front of my face that says, ” Take Your A.M. Meds!!”….. I don’t even notice it most days. My meds sit on “my” counter, the one I go to to roll my cigarettes, use my computer, everything, it’s like my central location. They’re right there next to me basically, and yet for a long time, morning after morning I did not take them, or only took them one day here, miss a day, then take them again the next day, miss two days, take them two days, like that. In the last year and a half I have been more conscious about taking my morning meds and somehow making sure I do it. While I haven’t been great at it, I’m still better than I was, and in the last I’d say month, since I got out of the psychiatric ward, I’ve been taking them way more consistently, because instead of not taking them because it’s “too late” in the day now, I’ve been taking them no matter what time I remember, as long as it’s not past like 2 p.m., because I don’t want them too close to my night meds. I figure even if I’m not taking them at the same time everyday, at least I’m taking them and they’re getting into my system so they can start to work hopefully.
I’ll continue to work on taking my medications every morning like I’m supposed to. I don’t think it’s about finding a way to remind myself, because I’ve set alarms on my phone, taped up the sign, set them right next to me, and I still don’t take them like I’m supposed to. I feel like I’m a fucking idiot, like I’m defective, like what the fuck is wrong with me. Why don’t I just take my meds in the morning, like any other “normal” person would do? Whatever the reason is, I know I can get this right and start taking them every single day until it becomes so familiar that I could do it in your sleep, until it becomes as familiar as breathing each day. The damnedest thing is, if someone reminds me or tells me basically, to go take my meds, I take them right away, without hesitation. My husband sometimes tries to help me by reminding me, but he forgets too. A few friends have said they’d call me every morning, and they did, for a little while, but eventually it ended. And that’s okay, for all of them, because really it’s not their responsibility. It was nice of all of them to try and help me. I do appreciate it, but it’s not someone else’s job to see to it that I take my meds each morning, although I must admit, it sure makes it a lot easier. I’m going to have to do this on my own somehow though, I have to.
I saw my therapist today and one of the things we talked about was ECT (electroconvulsive) therapy, to help alleviate and possibly eliminate this depression. It’s actually something I’ve thought about a lot over the last few years, and looked into online some too, I’m the one who brought it up to my therapist. Surprisingly, he didn’t seem to think it sounded like a totally crazy idea at all, in fact he talked very positively about it and even gave me a brief account of a patient of his who underwent treatment not too long ago and seems to be doing great now, much better. He did talk about the possibility of some short term memory loss, and I brought up my concern with him about long term memory loss. I told him about a friend I have who underwent ECT treatment sometime in the last ten years, and he seems to have lost a lot of his long term memory, like his memories of certain things. My therapist didn’t really have much to say on that, like he wasn’t really sure, but I’ll look into it more closely. Anyway, we talked about it and decided that since I’ve been on what seems like almost every psych med there is out there, all to little or no avail for one reason or the other, it’s not a bad idea to talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see him at the beginning of May. So that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to talk to him about ECT and see what his perspective on it is, and whether or not he thinks it would benefit me in particular. We shall see what he has to say!
For me, everyday the struggle is real, just as I know it is for a whole lot of people out there, so many people that have it WAY worse than what I could ever dream of having it, and so I try to be thankful that I don’t have it like that and I’ve got it the way it is, even if that’s less than ideal to me. I do a lot of things to myself I think, or I make them worse at least, blow them out of proportion, or think things that aren’t true or real – just paranoid thoughts in my head because of the way my life has been. It’s like I sabotage everything good in my life eventually, including relatioships, and I don’t even realize I’m doing it or by the time I do, it’s too late. I am living in this misery, depression, sadness, and anger, along with a list of other emotions, and I’m trying to figure out how to fix it, how to get out of it, knowing that I put myself in it, so it starts with me. I’m the one who had to change all this, no one else can do it for me, I’ve always know that, The problem is that it is so damn hard. Getting out of this pit I’m in, it feels impossible to climb out of most days. It’s like I’m barely dragging on. But I don’t want to be this way, so I must do something to change it, and this is where the battle starts, conflicting thoughts. I want life to be one way, but I don’t want to do the work to change it. I’m still going at it though, I haven’t given up so far.
I think that’s enough rambling for me for one night, lol. I’m never sure if I actually have a point when I’m writing, I just kind of get that blank screen in front of me and it’s like my mind says, “AndGo!!” really fast, lol, and I’m off and writing. Thoughts spilling out on top of one another, my mind going ninety miles an hour. I’m sure some of you can probably see my “free” form writing style in my posts, lol. Thanks for baring with me folks!! 🙂
It has occurred to me that I am now following over one hundred blogs, and I started thinking to myself, exactly how many of those hundred plus blogs do I actually read and on a regular basis…. the truth is, sadly, not many, I just don’t have time to read them all…. I have kids and a family and my own blog to try and keep up with as best I can. I wish that I could read a post from every blog I follow, every day, but I’m not sure that’s possible, lol. So anyway, I decided that with Spring here and all, I’d start weeding out those blogs that I don’t read, that don’t appeal to me, etc. I’ve decided to go through all the blogs that I follow and read their about page first, then read a post or two by them, if I like it, I’ll keep them on my “blogs I follow” list, if not, I’ll be taking them off.
This is not meant to offend anyone, whatsoever, so I truly hope no one will have any harsh feelings, it’s just that I feel if I’m going to have an enjoyable experience on here, not only writing, but reading too, I might as well be reading about things that I’m interested in or can relate to, or stuff I just like. I’m sure everyone wants their wordpress to be tailor fitted to them. Anyway, I’m not going to defend myself anyway, but I guess that’s just how I am, lol.
I am delving into my blogging world right now to try and keep my mind off of the real world that is going on around me, because I don’t want to deal with the pain and the truth of what is really happening right now. I feel like I’m losing the other half to me, as though I’ve been cut in two. The sadness and confusion and anger and not understanding are so great it’s unbearable. So I have to put my mind into something, even if it’s blogging. At least at helps me to not thing about all the hurt for the time being, for the moments that I’m writing. All I want right now is for everything in my life to go back to the way it was a week ago, back to before things changed in his mind. The hardest part of this all is the not responding to me no matter how often I text or email him or I’ve even went as far as to call him a few times and yes I know I sound obsessed about it and I guess maybe I am, but I don’t understand why he’d just quit talking to me with no nothing. Especially after the way the last month or two has been, we’ve been a lot closer. Now all of a sudden, nothing. I realize he could have a totally legit reason, and I honest to God pray that he does, and that it’s not, his feelings about me have changed, we can’t do this anymore, what we’ve been doing is wrong, I love my wife and want to fix things with her and can’t do that with our relationship too, etc. etc., Idk, stuff like that. And how terrible do I sound because really those are all the right things he should say… but I don’t want him too. I want him to say that he wants to keep what we’ve had the last year and a half, that he does love me, and that he meant it when he said I was a part of him now, and the other things he’s said. At least one of those things even.
So now for the next several days maybe, I will be going through all the blogs I follow and doing what I said above, weeding through them. It’s not a popularity contest, lol, who I am, just some random blogger. If you still choose to follow my blog even though I don’t follow yours, I truly appreciate that and it means a lot. I will also be doing my best to get more posts in as I’m doing all this. Thank you to all my supporters, followers, and especially readers, you rock!! 🙂
An empty shell, vacant of a woman who’d once been,
Soul lost, mindless…. Trying to stop the pain.
She’s stopped caring about the important things,
Her family, herself, her human condition.
She turns everything good in her life to shit,
Sabotaging all her relationships, familial, platonic, and romantic.
Living in a viscous cycle that always leaves her down and depressed,
It always comes back, the demon always welcomes himself back to her.
So lonely, she is so terribly, achingly lonely.
Tears don’t often come anymore, she feels as though she’s all cried out most days,
Then there are days when the tears just flow and the agony falls down her face.
This indescribable pain inside her heart, she just doesn’t understand,
What must she do to fix it? Hadn’t she been praying for so long now?
She doesn’t even try anymore, she’s giving up, slowly but surely, starting to scare herself,
Because this time it’s real, she knows that if she lets go, it’s really gonna be it this time.
A bleeding heart, wounded soul, broken emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, physically disabled,
And people say she’s just having a pity party for herself, well maybe part of it is that she pity’s herself, but she knows others have it worse out there, she’s looking at just her life, being the ever so selfish woman that she is.
A woman who’s heart aches and bleeds over the love that she will never receiver from a man.
Most of all, she is just tired, so incredibly tired, and all she really wants is to just curl up and go to sleep and get forever lost in her dream world.
She’s so empty, yet so full of all these feelings and emotions at the same time….. She’s a mess.
It is going on eleven years since my mom died, April 13th, 20014, and every year I tell myself I’m going to be fine, that it’s just a date, that it’s ridiculous to get all depressed and emotional over a date, especially weeks in advance. But today I was thinking about it because of the way I’ve been feeling, (more depressed than usual, a different kind of depression almost, and just a complete I don’t care attitude about life in general). I was thinking about the pas years, and I can honestly say that at least in the years I’ve been married to my husband, which is almost eight years, I can say that I’ve noticed a change in myself that starts sometime in March and lasts through until a few days after the 13th of April. My husband even once said in a rather heated discussion I believe, that every year about a month before the day my mom died, it’s like I start to anticipate the date, almost dwelling on her death for whole month. Like I was giving myself an excuse, a reason, to be the way I was being, to be depressed and non-functional really as a mother and a wife, and the part that I hated the most, was that he was probably right in a lot of ways…. and I hated that thought, still do. But he was right I think, there is a change in me, and even though I’ve gotten better with it each year, I still struggle with that date, that time of year, and the thing is, I don’t know that that will ever change.
As it would happen, my beautiful mother died two days after Easter that year. So every year, Easter is just one more reminder of losing the person that meant the most in the world to me, the person that I loved more than anyone else on this earth, my best friend…. and that was the last holiday I ever spent with her….. with the whole family and my mom. Then two days later she was just gone in the middle of the night she left us….. I wasn’t home that night. I’ll talk about this stuff more in depth in a post I have planned for the close future. Anyway, I think all these things are triggers and this is why I’m feeling worse starting sometime in March each year and I just, I don’t know, want it to stop being so disrupting, without making it any less special in honoring the memory of my mother.
I think one thing that kind of bothers me also, is that her ashes were never once in my possession after she was cremated, they went to her husband (whom I cannot stand) and he eventually gave them up and my cousin ended up with them downstate, where she buried my mom’s ashes next to her brother’s ashes, my cousin’s dad, on a really nice little plot and a beautiful head stone for both of them. I have never been down there to see it though, as my husband doesn’t really want to take me, but that’s a different story.
Anyway, I’ve realized this, and I do think it’s something I need to work through with my therapist eventually. For the moment though, the date is steadily approaching and I’m worried…. I’m worried because I was just hospitalized in March for sever depression, I’m worried because my husband is not supportive or kind at all and my boys are too young to understand, I’m worried because it hasn’t been long enough for my meds to be working…. and I’m just so tired. So yes, I’m worried, but the sane part of me says I can do this and be fine because I’m strong even if I don’t feel like it, and the worried me laughs at the strong part. So, I’m crossing my fingers that good will win in this battle and I will make it through just fine. Try to honor her memory and deal with some feelings at the same time maybe. We’ll see I guess!!
I just want to let everyone know that I’m not able to blog really right now as I am currently in the psychiatric ward of our hospital. I should be out around Friday and I’ve been here since Sunday. I needed to come, I was very depressed with suicidal thoughts. I’m only able to type this right now because I’m rec group. Thank you to all my followers. I shall be back and blogging shortly. Keep the faith my good people!
I try and I try and I keep fucking up. So fuck it. Need to end this all. This blog, this life, this everything. Nothing’s worth it. I lose everyone I love. Nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone. I hurt those I love without intending too. I tried to make him proud, tried to take the steps toward getting better and now I’m in trouble. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THE PAIN. NO ONE. Everything I love, everything good that I touch, turns to shit. Fuck it. This very well may be it folks.