Tag Archives: Forbidden Love

It’s That Bad

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So I really can’t lie, I have to come out and admit this to someone, so why not here? I’ve been in the same clothes/pajama’s since last Tuesday. If I don’t do something about it today, that’ll be a week tomorrow, same clothes (if you’re thinking omg same undies for a week, commando folks, lol), no shower, no hair brushing, and a lot of sleeping. I can’t say I’ve really eaten anything substantial either… cereal a few times, pizza once I think. (Although I often go a whole day or two without eating, bad I know.) I’m taking my meds consistently at night, but the mornings are still inconsistent, (although I have been better about mornings lately). When it comes to the boys I do as minimal as I can get away with. I will admit that their dad gets stuck with the majority of taking care of them. I have no energy and no motivation. I spend too much time on the computer doing nothing important. I wear my robe all day long for Pete’s sake…. And I just don’t even care.

My husband is an asshole and he’ll never change. He has a nasty temper and just really isn’t nice. I can’t leave for more reasons than I care to talk about right now. I’m starving right now but won’t eat anything because nothing sounds good. Sean’s actually standing next to me bitching right now about unopened mail and other bullshit. I am tired….. all the time. My mind just wants to shut down and sleep, or my body, maybe both, either way, I sleep more than a lot of the time. I want to change so bad, yet I just continue to remain the same, because I just must not be trying hard enough or want it bad enough, or something. Otherwise I’d have made more progress by now. In eight years I went from being a severe opiate addict to sober, I have several different chronic health issues as well, plus all the mental health crap. I’ve come a little ways in eight years, but not very damn far. In my husband’s eyes I’m worse than when I was on drugs, smh.

Now I’ve pretty much lost my best friend and the love of my life, D, and I feel like I’m dying inside over that. All I really want is to be happy, but it seems to unattainable. Someone close to me recently said it’s almost like I say I wanna be better but really I don’t. But that’s not true…. I don’t want to feel this way and live this way for the rest of my life. My life is passing right before my eyes and I’m just watching it go. I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal a little bit ago as I wrote some of this, and I’m working on getting some dry mac n cheese down now. My intentions are to at least wash my hair and take a “sink bath”, it may sound pathetic, but right now, it’s a big step. I didn’t even feel this bad when I went to the psychiatric hospital like two months ago. I don’t know anymore, I see my primary care physician tomorrow, my psychiatrist Thurs. and my therapist Fri., but really there’s nothing they can do. I’ve been on a million meds. I’m gonna do a little more ECT research and talk to my mental health guys about it at the end of the week. Let’s cross our fingers and pray I can at least bathe tonight, smh. I feel like I’m giving up. 

Just Tell Me

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I hate that this hurts so much, I hate that I’m letting it get me even farther down than I already was, but I just can’t seem to help it. You told me from the beginning that you’d always be here, that you wouldn’t leave me like everyone else has. You told me you believed in me and that we could walk this journey together, even if not physically together. You know all the hurt that I’ve been through, all the struggles. I believed everything you ever told me, even when my instinct from being hurt so much told me not to. I’ve loved you with every ounce of love I had to give. You have my heart completely, yet you’re breaking it into a million pieces. You’ve shut me out. Refusing to talk to me. You call me selfish for being so upset because you won’t talk to me about what’s going on, but what do you expect? How am I supposed to react? I’ve been so worried about you, so worried you’re going to do something crazy. I know you don’t want your marriage to end, or at least I don’t think so. I don’t want it to either because that means you being unhappy and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I’m so angry at you right now, I just can’t believe you’d do this to me. You have to know how badly you are hurting me and yet you still won’t just talk to me. The texts we do share are short, you don’t say much and you haven’t been very nice. I’m pretty sure that if I haven’t lost you yet, I’m going to. My calls all forwarded immediately. I just wish that you would be big enough to tell me that you don’t want me in your life anymore and why maybe, but at least tell me, don’t just ignore me and shut me out. I’m starting to wonder if you were ever who I really thought you were in the first place. 

Why Are You Hurting Me?

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You’re hurting me and you don’t even seem to care. I feel like everything has been a lie this whole time. You were supposed to be my best friend. You said you believed in me, you loved me, that you’d always be there and you’d never leave me like everyone else. It all must have been just words though, because you’ve shut me out so tight I can barely see through a crack. Answering me in small sentences and one word answers on the rare occasions you do talk to me. And now you’ve got me wondering if you’re actually seeing someone else and you refuse to answer me when I ask. WTF is that?? Hasn’t our time meant anything?? Three weeks ago you said you’d marry me in a heartbeat if situations were different, so what IS this?? Why do you insist on hurting me…. I can’t take this kind of hurt again, you are killing me inside…. I don’t even care anymore. 

My Bleeding Heart

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Broken, my wounded heart is bleeding, bruised beyond recognition, and he’s holding it in his hands; 

It feels as though he has ripped it out of my chest, with bare hands, my blood dripping down his fingers. 

This can’t be happening, this can’t be real, I keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not;

For if I were dreaming, I would not feel this God awful pain in my heart, my chest, my mind and soul, all through me; 

I cannot think straight, my mind is disobeying my commands to focus on something else, no matter how hard I try; 

My thoughts always end up going back to him, back to whatever the hell this is that’s going on right now. 

The pain and the thought of it all,the realities and everything, just keep slamming me in the face over and over; 

And I never know when it’s going to happen, they’re like surprise attacks of harsh reality and deep emotional pain. 

I never expected this, I just don’t understand, how could things go from being fine to this…. how?? 

The part I hate myself for the most, is believing that these last couple months would stay that good, even with him; 

I knew it was too good to be true, it always is, but all the things you’ve said to me, recently and past, what about that?

I had a hard time trusting in the beginning anyway, then I finally give my trust and all of me;

And once again, I’m left hurting from it… I just don’t understand… you promised you’d never go away. 

I know you are most likely hurting right now, and I realize it’s selfish of me to not show concern;

I am just so wrapped up in my own feelings and confusion over what is going on, wanting answers;

Answers I’m not getting, but I’m suppose to not act crazy… okay…. I’m scared that I’ve lost you.

My mind is in total chaos mode, I literally cannot think straight, I can’t complete tasks correctly, I can’t focus; 

I literally ache inside constantly, aching for you, just to hear from you even, but especially to know what’s up. 

I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s right that you won’t tell me, you told your wife about us;

That much I did get at least, but what does that mean dammit, why did you tell her, what is going on;

Does this mean that the you and I that just so recently existed is going to be nothing now, over with; 

Will I lose you too, just as I have lost all those in my life that I have loved either by death or separation? 

All the promises you made me, like how you’d never go away, that we’d always be friends and you’d never give up on me;

Promises to see me, telling me you loved me, and that you’d never chose between us, there’s so much more than just this.

Every good thing you said to me, I’ve believed, I’ve always taken your word for everything, never questioning you; 

I’m sorry that I’m still not better after a year and a half, trust that I want to be and it hurts to know you feel that way. 

Every time you told me you were proud of me, it was more inspiration to work at this harder, I wanted to make you proud;

I know my progress has been slow, but I have made some, and that’s definitely better than none. 

Come back to me my best friend, please speak to me and explain, tell me what is going on with you and us; 

Help me to understand why all this is happening please, I know I have said selfish things, but please don’t stop talking to me;

Everyone always leaves, everything good in my life turns to shit, everyone always gives up on me, get tired of me;

And I can’t blame them, I’m a mess, crazy, too much to handle, I ruin everything good in my life, that’s truth. 

Weeding It All Out With A Side Of Sauce

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It has occurred to me that I am now following over one hundred blogs, and I started thinking to myself, exactly how many of those hundred plus blogs do I actually read and on a regular basis…. the truth is, sadly, not many, I just don’t have time to read them all…. I have kids and a family and my own blog to try and keep up with as best I can. I wish that I could read a post from every blog I follow, every day, but I’m not sure that’s possible, lol. So anyway, I decided that with Spring here and all, I’d start weeding out those blogs that I don’t read, that don’t appeal to me, etc. I’ve decided to go through all the blogs that I follow and read their about page first, then read a post or two by them, if I like it, I’ll keep them on my “blogs I follow” list, if not, I’ll be taking them off.      

This is not meant to offend anyone, whatsoever, so I truly hope no one will have any harsh feelings, it’s just that I feel if I’m going to have an enjoyable experience on here, not only writing, but reading too, I might as well be reading about things that I’m interested in or can relate to, or stuff I just like. I’m sure everyone wants their wordpress to be tailor fitted to them. Anyway, I’m not going to defend myself anyway, but I guess that’s just how I am, lol. 

I am delving into my blogging world right now to try and keep my mind off of the real world that is going on around me, because I don’t want to deal with the pain and the truth of what is really happening right now. I feel like I’m losing the other half to me, as though I’ve been cut in two. The sadness and confusion and anger and not understanding are so great it’s unbearable. So I have to put my mind into something, even if it’s blogging. At least at helps me to not thing about all the hurt for the time being, for the moments that I’m writing. All I want right now is for everything in my life to go back to the way it was a week ago, back to before things changed in his mind. The hardest part of this all is the not responding to me no matter how often I text or email him or I’ve even went as far as to call him a few times and yes I know I sound obsessed about it and I guess maybe I am, but I don’t understand why he’d just quit talking to me with no nothing. Especially after the way the last month or two has been, we’ve been a lot closer. Now all of a sudden, nothing. I realize he could have a totally legit reason, and I honest to God pray that he does, and that it’s not, his feelings about me have changed, we can’t do this anymore, what we’ve been doing is wrong, I love my wife and want to fix things with her and can’t do that with our relationship too, etc. etc., Idk, stuff like that. And how terrible do I sound because really those are all the right things he should say… but I don’t want him too. I want him to say that he wants to keep what we’ve had the last year and a half, that he does love me, and that he meant it when he said I was a part of him now, and the other things he’s said. At least one of those things even. 

So now for the next several days maybe, I will be going through all the blogs I follow and doing what I said above, weeding through them. It’s not a popularity contest, lol, who I am, just some random blogger. If you still choose to follow my blog even though I don’t follow yours, I truly appreciate that and it means a lot. I will also be doing my best to get more posts in as I’m doing all this. Thank you to all my supporters, followers, and especially readers, you rock!! 🙂 

So Frustrated

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It’s been two days now, two friggin days since I’ve talked to D and I don’t understand what’s going on, he never does this to me. I always usually hear from him at least once in a day, even if it’s just a short text or email. At least then I know he’s okay. Finally last night he did text me to tell me sorry for not contacting me sooner, that it’d been a long day and then he told me good night later on, so okay, I heard from him then, and that was relieving, but another whole day has gone by and I have not heard from him again, despite attempted efforts to get a hold of him, including calling him from my home phone WITH my husband home!! 

The part that confuses me so much is that D and I have had an amazing last few weeks to month. We’re weren’t even able to cam with each other the whole time, but it’s still been great. He has expressed his love to me more now than ever before as far as verbally goes, and that has completely rocked my world. He’s said things that I’ve only dreamed of him saying and I have been elated because of it. He’s also been going through a tough time of his own, and I have tried to be there for him as much as I can, the best way I know how, and I know he appreciates that. This is why I don’t understand why he’s pretty much gone awol the last two days. Like I have no idea what’s going on, and maybe it’s not my business, I don’t know, but I wish if that were the case he’d at least say it. 

I guess I just feel like, if you know it’s going to relieve your loved ones mind, what is it really to take a minute or less out of your time to send a quick message, just to say I’m okay even. Instead I go the whole day with this sick feeling in my stomach, wondering what’s going on with him and if he’s okay, thinking how much I want to be able to be there if he does need someone, also wondering if it’s something that I’ve done, and if so, what is it. My mind goes in a million different directions. I know a lot of people would say that I’m worrying too much about this, reading too much into it, upset over nothing, and maybe I am, but it sure sucks feeling this way. I feel like a crazed loon. Obsessed, and maybe I am, who knows.  

We just had a conversation about this and how it drives me nuts because I worry so much when I don’t hear from him, which is I guess why he finally texted me last night, but still. I feel so immature for feeling this way at nearly thirty years old, especially when I’m married to another man, and the man I’m in love with is married to another woman. When the hell did my life become this? It’s like a soap opera in ways, no? Yet I find that as hard as I try to rid myself of feelings I shouldn’t have, the harder they come flooding in and I feel them even more intensely. I can’t push this man from my heart or my mind, and frankly, I don’t want to as bad as that may be. For me, he is it. I want no one else including my spouse. That is sad in many ways and bad on my part I know, but it is what it is. Anyway, I just wish D would let me know what’s going on, so I know, so I know whether or not it’s me, something I did, or if it’s him and something else in his life. I just want to know and help if I can. I wish he realized how upset and frustrated it makes me when he doesn’t get in touch with me, and maybe he does know but for whatever reason still doesn’t, I don’t know. So, fingers crossed that I hear something tonight again. 

My Writing/Blogging

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I realize that since I got out of the psychiatric hospital, I haven’t been writing as much as I was before I went in. I’m not sure what the exact reason for this is, it’s not because I don’t have the time, because I do, and it’s not for lack of ideas of things to write about. I just haven’t been doing it…. laziness perhaps? I don’t know.  

I have been working on a couple of pieces about my mom, one of which I just published tonight, “The Day My Mom Died”. This year, April 13th marked the eleventh year since she passed and since I have this blog now, I decided I’d like to write a couple few posts about her between the 13th of this month and the 14th of May, which would be her 56th birthday had she lived. I guess to me dates are significant and when it comes to my mom, it’s like that month of time there in between dates is kind of like my, “my mom month”, where I seem to think of her more often and miss her a little more. So in memory of her, I decided to write about her. 

I’m hoping to get some other blog posts out too, while I’m still working on the last piece on my mom. I have some things to share, some more exciting that others, maybe like what’s been going on between D and I the last couple months, but the last few weeks especially. God I love that man, I know it sounds terrible, but I love him far more than I ever have my husband. How does that happen, seriously?? When it comes to the way I believe in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit and the Bible, I am very conflicted by my feelings for D, because technically, I know that I’m wrong, that everything about what I feel for him that goes beyond just friendship, is wrong. I know that the sexual things are wrong. All this stuff in the eyes of the God that I believe in, is wrong, yet I keep doing it and my feelings for him just keep getting stronger. I love him so much I could never end what we have. Above all else he’s my best friend, and that’s the honest truth. So yeah, there’s all that to talk about too, lol.

The weather’s been getting nicer and since we have a HUGE yard to rake, front AND back, we’ve been out doing a lot of raking and yard work. We have a big old willow tree that sits next to the house and hangs over the driveway and oh my goodness does it ever shed some branches, sticks, and leaves. Not to mention all the other trees in the yard and their leaves. It’s madness I tell you!! lol Raking nightmares at night, lol. Things are actually going alright right now for once, it’s kind of weird. I mean, they’re not great, but it’s not bad either, not like it usually is, the husband and I fighting constantly, his yelling and name calling to me, all that. I’m hoping and praying that things stay this way…. but I don’t have my hopes up. So here’s to hoping I can start posting more regularly, we’ll see what happens!! Thanks for following and reading my blog, I truly appreciate your support, it always makes me feel giddy to see another like or follower or comment, etc., so thanks again guys! Til next time. ~ L.L.  

Very Stupid

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Originally I started this blog as a suggestion of my therapist. Because I like to write, he thought this might be therapeutic in ways to me. So, I decided to try it and I liked it, it felt good to get it all out. One of the main topics of my blog posts have been about the love that I have for another man other than my husband, the person I call ‘D’. To me, D is the other half of my soul, the missing piece to my heart. I won’t gush a bunch about my feelings for him because all you need to do is read some of my other posts to know what those are. 

Even though D is my best friend and the person I love the most in this world, in a romantic and non familial way, I still did not tell him about this blog. I didn’t tell him when I started it, back in December I believe, and I didn’t tell him up until last night, the night before his birthday, actually it was past midnight so it was his birthday. That was wrong of me. I should have told him when I began this. I should’ve told him not only because this blog contains some of the things he’s shared with me, but because he IS my best friend and the person I love most. He’s a sensitive kind of man and I should have known that this would possibly upset him. I guess I let myself think that because this is an anonymous blog, written under a pen name, with everyone I mention in it’s names changed to protect them, that it was somehow “okay” to not tell him…. but it wasn’t. I should have told him simply for the act that he is a big part of it and he is my best friend.

I have tested this man many times since we’ve started talking, because of my craziness…. my irrational feelings and emotions, my constant up and downs, my tantrums and whatever else. I’m not exactly together. He’s always been there though. Even when it was hard for him to find time or ways to get away from his every day life to talk to me or video chat, he still would, even if not as often some times than others. He always has made time for me and he’s always listened to whatever bullshit I have to say. He has believed in me this whole time even when there hasn’t been much to believe in, including at the present time, and I let him down. 

I imagine that he is feeling pretty unsure of my honesty to him in all of our relationship, which hurts to think, because honest is all I’ve ever been. This was seriously probably the one thing that he DIDN’T know. I’ve laid myself bare otherwise. I also know he’s hurt, because I didn’t feel that I could come tell him right away that I was writing this. Even if he would’ve been upset by it, he’d have been okay eventually I think, had I just told him right off, but now…. I don’t know. It seems I’m always finding ways to screw shit up in my life, whether it’s with him, my husband, or someone or something else. I do things and then I look back and I say, “wow, what the actual fuck was I thinking?!”, and it’s all the time, not just sometimes. I’ve hurt someone I care deeply for and love like crazy, and even worse than that is it’s his day today and should be a happy day and I’ve screwed that up royally. 

I honestly don’t know what I’ll be doing with this blog at this point. I may try and figure out how to delete the whole damn thing, or I may just delete every post that has anything to do with him, if that is what he wants me to do. That’s his choice and he deserves that choice, I should have given it to him a long time ago. I truly am a selfish person in many ways, ways that no one in the blogging world knows about. They have yet to have been written. But I am. Not just with D, but with my family as well. I am so wrapped up in my own feelings and my own misery and negativity that I often fail to see what those around me are going through or what I’m doing to them because of the way I am, sadly including my children. I am almost 30 years old and I still have so far to go in growing up. I did not mean to hurt my best friend, by no means at all…. that is always the last thing I want to do to those I love, yet seems to be the first thing and most common thing I do. I do apologize to him here and now for not telling him when I started writing about him, that was wrong and I should have. I never meant to violate anything in our relationship. Know one thing, it is a constant to hear me say, I write what I’m feeling when I feel it often without thinking, just as I often act first and think about it later, it is not an excuse, but it is truth.  I love you and you know it. 

Sexual Frustration

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feel so alone right now, like no one will ever understand. I also feel ridiculous for feeling this way over something like sex, but I can’t help it. I feel like it’s going to drive me insane, combined with everything else in my life it’s just becoming too much. See, I am almost thirty years old and my husband is twenty-five years older than me, making him fifty-five this year, and as I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, we have not had actual intercourse in what’s going on three years now I believe, give or take a little. He has severe type one diabetes, as well as neuropathy and gout arthritis and a few other things. He’s on a lot of medications of course too. We have tried all kinds of things, pills, pumps, creams, you name it, and nothing…. he just cannot get an erection. 

There was a time when we were at least still having oral sex and doing the things we could still do, but even that has become rare. A big part of this has to do with the state of our marriage, as we do not get along well at all and are often fighting. To be honest, most of the time I cannot stand him, and the thought of him touching me appalls me. He is a mean and nasty man and most days I wish I would’ve never married him. (I know some of you are saying at this point, “then why don’t you just leave him”, unfortunately, that is not possible, which is a whole other story in itself that I’ll save for another time.) There are days where I try to force myself to have feelings like I used to for him, I pray that God will help me to get those feelings back. For the most part though, most days I have no attraction of any kind to him and I am simply co-existing with him. There are days when he tries to be nice, I can tell, and for those few hours or for that day, I see the man I married. Occasionally we do make love, (if you can call it that), and when we do, I am forcing myself to do so the whole time, as well as thinking of someone else the whole time too. Sad and pathetic, I know. 

I have always been a very sexual person. In my younger years I was extremely promiscuous. I’ve always loved sex, wanting it everyday if I could get it. I love every thing about sex. I started having sex at very young age, too young, and I pretty much never went without for more than month at a time after that. When I married my husband we had a very active sex life all the way up until he started having ED problems. Then it was like I was just cut off abruptly. This was like a shock to the system or the psyche more like for me. Of course I have toys and I know how to take care of myself, but it’s just not the same. Just as only having oral sex with my husband just isn’t the same. It’s not the same as being penetrated by a man. 

I could go out and find some random guy and bang his brains out, of this I have no doubt…. but that isn’t what I want. I get offers from different guys that I’ve known for however long, messaging me on facebook, etc. And as tempting as that sometimes is…. there is only one person that I want to have sex with…. and though it should be my husband, it’s not….. D is the only man that I want, but I can’t have him. (If you’ve read other blog posts you’ll know that D is the man that I love but am not with and can never have.) I have begged him and begged him to please, please come see me, just once, just one time and I swear this would all be better…. but for reasons of his own, he is not able to come. I don’t know if this means that he’ll never be able to come, or if it means that someday he’ll be able to, but he just doesn’t know when so he doesn’t say anything about it, I don’t know….. Whatever the case, this man D, he is the only one that I want and I want him so bad that there are days that I truly feel like I’m going to come completely unglued, go for real live nuts. I ache inside for him to make love to me, my heart hurts so bad. I sometimes wish that someone else would come along and make me feel the way he does, but someone who can actually see me, someone who can come to me. This has been going on for a year and a half with D and I now, and it was bad before him, but now that he’s in my life and I’ve fallen so deeply in love with him, it just makes it even worse. 

I actually started going back to therapy over this and some other things recently. That’s how bad this is, how serious. I already have a deep underlying depression that I’m working on fixing, and now I have this to add to the depression and let me tell you, most days I think a lot about dying. No, I’m not suicidal, not in the manner that I’m going to do something to myself, however I do not care whether I live or die, in fact, I pray for death most days. It isn’t just not having sex that makes me feel that way of course, there are a whole bunch of reasons combined together that make me feel that way, the not being able to have sex is just like the icing on the cake…. it’s like what makes the cookie crumble…. and this cookie feels like she’s crumbling most of the time. I am on depression meds, I’ve been taking them right, as well as my mood stabilizers. I’m back in therapy. I pray all the time, I read His word. I don’t know what else to do. I know this may sound ridiculous to some, but I just want to have sex!!!!!! At this point, I’m almost starting to not care who with, but then I regain my composure. 

I don’t know anymore…. I’m not in love with my husband, he can’t have sex with me either way….. I’m in love with a man I shouldn’t be, a man who’s married himself and lives fifteen hours away…. I want sex so bad I can’t stand myself…. I’m depressed all the time…. I feel hopeless most days…… as always, I’m a mess. 

I Don’t Want To Lose My Best Friend

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So, if you’ve read certain blog posts of mine, you’ll have read about D, the man that I am in madly in love with but is not my husband. Crazy sounding, I know, and it is. I love this man more than life itself, I love him by far more than I’ve ever loved my husband, (sad I know). But he is also my best friend…. and I’m afraid I’m losing him. We have now been talking on an instant messenger and seeing each other on cam for a year and a half…. almost everyday with talking to one another. He has been there during some really bad times for me…. He’s seen me at my worst and he has stuck by my side still…. but everyone has a point where enough is enough, and I’m afraid that I’ve pushed him to that point. Throughout my lifetime I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder and I seem to have a problem with remembering to take my meds on a consistent basis, so I’m never really “better” I don’t think…. as you would guess, this makes me a hard person to have any kind of relationship with a lot of the time…. and I don’t even mean for it to be that way. You would think that I’d have this crap under control by now, I’ll be thirty years old in June, but still I don’t. I would love to take part in dialectical behavioral therapy,  but with no groups like that offered in my area, it makes it pretty hard to do and most counselors won’t work DBT with someone solo. They want them to be a part of the group. I do believe it’s the BPD (borderline personality disorder) that screws up my relationships more than anything. I have a huge fear of being abandoned, yet I seem to push those I love the most away from me, without even realizing it or meaning to. I am a selfish person as well, once again, without meaning to be. I tend to be impulsive at times. I can be very manipulative. All of these things I do without realizing most of the time, because I’m not mindful of myself at all, not self aware, and it’s sickens me to think that I can be like this. Well, D has seen all of this. He says he’s tired of my excuses and that I don’t listen to anything he tells me, so why should he keep trying? And he’s right…. as hard as it is for me to admit, I do make excuses… a lot. I know what my problems are obviously, but I’m not doing anything to fix them, not really. He told me a couple weeks ago that he refuses to be there to watch me waste away and I don’t blame him I guess…. I don’t know though, because I always thought that’s what real friends were for, but I guess it hurts him to watch me be this way. Because slowly, I’m giving up and I have been…. no I’m not planning on killing myself, unfortunately I don’t have the nads to do that, but I have been gradually getting worse, to the point where I just don’t care about anything anymore, I hurt so bad inside and I’m so sick of trying. It’s been a constant battle in life it seems since I was a child, there’s always been something to overcome, and I’m just very tired of it I guess you’d say….. tired of life…. just plain tired. I sleep most of the time, part of me thinks my body gets so tired and shuts down because I don’t have to think about anything when I’m sleeping. He’s been watching all of this now, for a year and a half. Listening to me whine and complain about the same damn thing all the time, yet still never really doing anything about it. Even I know that no matter how much you love someone, it’s hard to watch that, to hear it, to deal with it. I’m forever asking him what’s wrong, is he mad at me, did I do something wrong, etc., etc., and he hates that, which I don’t blame him for, I see where it gets annoying, because most of the time, everything’s fine. It’s in my own mind that I think something isn’t. And I’ve done that, a lot. Freaking out because I haven’t heard from him, thinking he’s not talking to me for some bad reason, blowing things out of proportion, making up crap in my own head that isn’t even really there…. and I have no idea why I do these things!!!! He’s tried to be there to support me, to talk positive to me and at times I just kept talking negative things back to him, making it impossible to be positive with me, he’s given me all the advice he has and I haven’t taken any of it, even though it’s been good advice… he’s even offered to help me in any ways he could, including financially and I turned that down to in so many words. Then there;s my obsession with him coming to see me…. oh my God….. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve begged him to come see me, how much it drives me nuts because I want to see him so bad…. I’ve bawled my eyes out on cam with him because it’s something I want so badly, but it just can’t happen, not now anyway, and maybe never. And that is one of the hardest things for me to accept…. I don’t know if I can go on with this knowing that he’s never coming to see me. I’ve asked him to just please at least tell me if he thinks it will ever happen, and I can’t even get that. I know it bothers him to hear me hurting so bad over wanting to see him, because he feels like it’s his fault and that he’s the one hurting me…. and even though it’s related to him, I know it’s not his fault. He has a wife, a job, a life, things he can’t just leave and say ‘Oh I’m going away for a few days’…. But in ways, he could come, like when she’s gone for weeks at a time working. I can’t explain to him or anyone else why I need to see him so bad, I don’t even understand it myself, I just know in my heart that I need to and that if I did, I would feel so much better. All of these things though are becoming too much for him I believe and that’s why he has stopped talking to me like we were. He told me today that that’s why he hasn’t been around as much, because it’s always the same with me and I’m not doing anything to fix it. But I want him in my life, I can’t see it without him. He’s literally been one of the only things that’s kept me holding on. Him and my boys. I finally felt like I found someone who loves me for me no matter what…. and I’m sabotaging it I think, just like I always do. It seems I destroy everything I love and I’m tired of it. I don’t want to lose my best friend, I’m not sure my heart can take any more hurt like that.