Tag Archives: Sexual Content

My Writing/Blogging

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I realize that since I got out of the psychiatric hospital, I haven’t been writing as much as I was before I went in. I’m not sure what the exact reason for this is, it’s not because I don’t have the time, because I do, and it’s not for lack of ideas of things to write about. I just haven’t been doing it…. laziness perhaps? I don’t know.  

I have been working on a couple of pieces about my mom, one of which I just published tonight, “The Day My Mom Died”. This year, April 13th marked the eleventh year since she passed and since I have this blog now, I decided I’d like to write a couple few posts about her between the 13th of this month and the 14th of May, which would be her 56th birthday had she lived. I guess to me dates are significant and when it comes to my mom, it’s like that month of time there in between dates is kind of like my, “my mom month”, where I seem to think of her more often and miss her a little more. So in memory of her, I decided to write about her. 

I’m hoping to get some other blog posts out too, while I’m still working on the last piece on my mom. I have some things to share, some more exciting that others, maybe like what’s been going on between D and I the last couple months, but the last few weeks especially. God I love that man, I know it sounds terrible, but I love him far more than I ever have my husband. How does that happen, seriously?? When it comes to the way I believe in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit and the Bible, I am very conflicted by my feelings for D, because technically, I know that I’m wrong, that everything about what I feel for him that goes beyond just friendship, is wrong. I know that the sexual things are wrong. All this stuff in the eyes of the God that I believe in, is wrong, yet I keep doing it and my feelings for him just keep getting stronger. I love him so much I could never end what we have. Above all else he’s my best friend, and that’s the honest truth. So yeah, there’s all that to talk about too, lol.

The weather’s been getting nicer and since we have a HUGE yard to rake, front AND back, we’ve been out doing a lot of raking and yard work. We have a big old willow tree that sits next to the house and hangs over the driveway and oh my goodness does it ever shed some branches, sticks, and leaves. Not to mention all the other trees in the yard and their leaves. It’s madness I tell you!! lol Raking nightmares at night, lol. Things are actually going alright right now for once, it’s kind of weird. I mean, they’re not great, but it’s not bad either, not like it usually is, the husband and I fighting constantly, his yelling and name calling to me, all that. I’m hoping and praying that things stay this way…. but I don’t have my hopes up. So here’s to hoping I can start posting more regularly, we’ll see what happens!! Thanks for following and reading my blog, I truly appreciate your support, it always makes me feel giddy to see another like or follower or comment, etc., so thanks again guys! Til next time. ~ L.L.  

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Lost Innocence

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A little girl with innocence still in her eyes, 

Shining through, bright blue.

One day someone notices that innocence is gone, 

Her eyes don’t shine as blue. 

They all want to know the truth, 

What happened to her innocent eyes. 

While their eyes were wide open, 

And they were all right there, 

The innocence in her eyes was being taken. 

He was just a “boy”, a young teen, the son of her mommy n daddy’s “friends”, 

She was supposed to be safe with him, she’d been with him alone before. 

Their parents all in the bedroom together, 

Taking in their chemicals, their white devil taking them to higher places. 

While in the living room, the little girl lay with the boy on the couch, 

With that scratchy green blanket over top of them. 

Her uncle, nodded out in his own chemical stupor, was supposed to be watching, 

“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do” played in the background. 

That’s when he made his move, his hands, creeping up her little leg, fingers touching, 

Touching her and causing her great confusion, why was he doing this, we’re not supposed to touch. 

She looked around, her world spinning, hoping a door would open from the bedroom, 

Looking over at her uncle, waiting for him to come too…. but he didn’t. 

The boy touched, made her touch, she knew  but she didn’t, 

In her mind she knew she had to stop this, but she did not know how. 

There is still some innocence in her eyes, when she looks up at this “friend”, 

Asks him to please stop, and he doesn’t, 

This is when the innocence in her bright blue eyes fades out. 

In that instant she learns that there is no one, 

No one but her to save herself. 

Forever after, that little girl is changed, 

She now sees life in a way she shouldn’t, 

Sees the good and the evil for exactly what it is. 

So when people wonder twenty four years later, 

Why her eyes don’t shine as they once did, 

She just smiles and shrugs them off. 

But it goes back to one event, 

One moment in time, 

When something was stripped of her, her child like outlook, her innocence. 


That little girl is now a grown woman with a family of her own. That day however was a defining moment in my life. A lot of things changed after that, and it took some years for me to properly deal with the things that happened that night. I can honestly say I forgive the young man who did what he did, though it was not right at all, and there is no excuse for what he did. His parents were very bad drug addicts just as mine were and hadn’t been raised in the best of circumstances. Like I said, this did not give him the right to do what he did by any means, I’m just saying I understand his background as I came from the same, and I was able to forgive him. Though he took something from me that day, I have learned that God has filled that space. Forgiving him was not easy, but he has a much bigger judge that he must worry about someday, so for now, I try not to judge anyone. I’m sorry if this triggers anything for anyone or upsets anyone, but this IS a blog about my life, in my words, and this is a part of my life. 

Sexual Frustration

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feel so alone right now, like no one will ever understand. I also feel ridiculous for feeling this way over something like sex, but I can’t help it. I feel like it’s going to drive me insane, combined with everything else in my life it’s just becoming too much. See, I am almost thirty years old and my husband is twenty-five years older than me, making him fifty-five this year, and as I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, we have not had actual intercourse in what’s going on three years now I believe, give or take a little. He has severe type one diabetes, as well as neuropathy and gout arthritis and a few other things. He’s on a lot of medications of course too. We have tried all kinds of things, pills, pumps, creams, you name it, and nothing…. he just cannot get an erection. 

There was a time when we were at least still having oral sex and doing the things we could still do, but even that has become rare. A big part of this has to do with the state of our marriage, as we do not get along well at all and are often fighting. To be honest, most of the time I cannot stand him, and the thought of him touching me appalls me. He is a mean and nasty man and most days I wish I would’ve never married him. (I know some of you are saying at this point, “then why don’t you just leave him”, unfortunately, that is not possible, which is a whole other story in itself that I’ll save for another time.) There are days where I try to force myself to have feelings like I used to for him, I pray that God will help me to get those feelings back. For the most part though, most days I have no attraction of any kind to him and I am simply co-existing with him. There are days when he tries to be nice, I can tell, and for those few hours or for that day, I see the man I married. Occasionally we do make love, (if you can call it that), and when we do, I am forcing myself to do so the whole time, as well as thinking of someone else the whole time too. Sad and pathetic, I know. 

I have always been a very sexual person. In my younger years I was extremely promiscuous. I’ve always loved sex, wanting it everyday if I could get it. I love every thing about sex. I started having sex at very young age, too young, and I pretty much never went without for more than month at a time after that. When I married my husband we had a very active sex life all the way up until he started having ED problems. Then it was like I was just cut off abruptly. This was like a shock to the system or the psyche more like for me. Of course I have toys and I know how to take care of myself, but it’s just not the same. Just as only having oral sex with my husband just isn’t the same. It’s not the same as being penetrated by a man. 

I could go out and find some random guy and bang his brains out, of this I have no doubt…. but that isn’t what I want. I get offers from different guys that I’ve known for however long, messaging me on facebook, etc. And as tempting as that sometimes is…. there is only one person that I want to have sex with…. and though it should be my husband, it’s not….. D is the only man that I want, but I can’t have him. (If you’ve read other blog posts you’ll know that D is the man that I love but am not with and can never have.) I have begged him and begged him to please, please come see me, just once, just one time and I swear this would all be better…. but for reasons of his own, he is not able to come. I don’t know if this means that he’ll never be able to come, or if it means that someday he’ll be able to, but he just doesn’t know when so he doesn’t say anything about it, I don’t know….. Whatever the case, this man D, he is the only one that I want and I want him so bad that there are days that I truly feel like I’m going to come completely unglued, go for real live nuts. I ache inside for him to make love to me, my heart hurts so bad. I sometimes wish that someone else would come along and make me feel the way he does, but someone who can actually see me, someone who can come to me. This has been going on for a year and a half with D and I now, and it was bad before him, but now that he’s in my life and I’ve fallen so deeply in love with him, it just makes it even worse. 

I actually started going back to therapy over this and some other things recently. That’s how bad this is, how serious. I already have a deep underlying depression that I’m working on fixing, and now I have this to add to the depression and let me tell you, most days I think a lot about dying. No, I’m not suicidal, not in the manner that I’m going to do something to myself, however I do not care whether I live or die, in fact, I pray for death most days. It isn’t just not having sex that makes me feel that way of course, there are a whole bunch of reasons combined together that make me feel that way, the not being able to have sex is just like the icing on the cake…. it’s like what makes the cookie crumble…. and this cookie feels like she’s crumbling most of the time. I am on depression meds, I’ve been taking them right, as well as my mood stabilizers. I’m back in therapy. I pray all the time, I read His word. I don’t know what else to do. I know this may sound ridiculous to some, but I just want to have sex!!!!!! At this point, I’m almost starting to not care who with, but then I regain my composure. 

I don’t know anymore…. I’m not in love with my husband, he can’t have sex with me either way….. I’m in love with a man I shouldn’t be, a man who’s married himself and lives fifteen hours away…. I want sex so bad I can’t stand myself…. I’m depressed all the time…. I feel hopeless most days…… as always, I’m a mess. 

Too Much

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I’m really missing him. We haven’t been talking as much lately. I’m upset with him if you wanna know the truth. I realize his wife is home and he has to be careful, but you know what, my husband is home most of the time and I still cam with him. I take that risk, the risk of having my husband walk out when I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be doing. I cam with him when my family is home, my kids. Now I know that he does the same with me too sometimes. He cams with me when she’s home, but definitely not as often lately. I know she caught him on a site that he shouldn’t have been on, but that’s not my fault….. he has two women that are madly in love with him, why does he need to look at other women? So now he has to be extra careful, and I’m suffering from it. He’s not on instant messenger as often any more, and you know what, neither am I. I’m too tired to sit there and hope that he comes along. He knows how much I love him, or at least I would hope he does by now. It’s just that I don’t know how much longer I can go wondering if he’s ever going to come see me. I realize what kind of a risk it is, and I realize that it’s not easy financially, but he’s in a much better position than I am when it comes to all that. She leaves for weeks at a time for her job, so why couldn’t he come for a day?? It takes fifteen hours to get here, I know that’s a long trip, but what we have, to me, if worth a million hours if that’s what it took to get there. If I had the money and I didn’t have kids, I’d drop everything to go see him. I just want ONE time with him, just once. No one can seem to understand that, they say things like, “Oh well you’d want it again after that, you’d want to see him again, it’d just make it worse”, and I feel like screaming at people to just shut the fuck up because yes IT would help, and no it WOULDN’T make it worse, this is what I NEED to make all this better, to make this craziness that feel inside over him go away finally. So I can breathe without D for once. This is getting to be too much. My heart hurts so bad. The one thing I want most, I cannot have, and I feel like it’s killing me inside, slowly, bit by bit, day by day. People ask me why I’m depressed, even when Sean and I are doing a little better I’m still depressed, and it’s because all I can do is think of D, think of another man. I’m depressed in part, in big part, because all I can think of is being held by the man I truly love…. not the one I’m married to. That is not right. My mind and my body are just so exhausted and I’m tired of the pain, from everything. Some days I’m sure it’s all too much. 

A Day For Reflection & Contemplating – Page 1 Of A New Year

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    New Years Day… A day for reflection of the last year, and contemplation on the year ahead. Sounds about right, doesn’t it? Or at least legit. I think all the time, I mean my mind is never just blank, or without a thought or twenty, but sometimes, as with anyone, my thoughts are deeper than other times. Well today, some deep thought came as my husband was lying on the bed in just his underwear, talking to me, and I was getting annoyed listening to him, for no good reason really. It was in that moment, looking at him, that I realized how completely unattractive he is to me and that I am so not in love with him. I was just totally disgusted by everything about him physically, hit with it full force all at once…. and I felt so guilty about it, but at the same time, I felt like, “now what do I do?”…. You see, leaving him is just not an option, not right now anyway, if ever that I can see. So now what? Here I am, stuck being married to this man that’s twenty-five years my senior, and the love I once had for him is just completely lost, the attraction I once felt completely gone. There has been too much ugliness between the two of us, any beauty in it long gone. To top it all off, I am not only just not in love with my husband anymore, not attracted to him, but I am totally, completely and helplessly, hopelessly in love with another man, one that can never be mine, will never be…. A man that I can only love from afar, a man that only has real time for me when his wife isn’t home….. and even though that man loves me back, it still doe not change the situation between us or the one at hand. This love for this other man, D, it has taken over me it seems, I honestly feel like one of those obsessed whack job stalker types!!! Who the hell does that? Feels that way? And why?!! For the love of Christ, WHY ME??!! I did not ask to fall in love with someone, I did not ask to meet this particular man, although one could say that I asked to meet a man in general because of what I was doing at the time I met D…. but still, my point is, I didn’t choose to fall in love, to feel these insane feelings I feel…. didn’t ask to obsess about seeing a man that I’m most likely never gonna see….. didn’t ask for being able to see him to be the main focus in my life for over a year now…. That is not healthy, it is not normal, I have a family to take care of, kids… yet it is how I feel, it is what I’m going through. Life is too overwhelming….. I have to do something this year to lessen the chaos…. I need to learn to deal with my feelings…. I may not be able to control what I feel, but I can control how I let that feeling affect me, I think… Love truly does hurt… in my case the situation at hand is what hurts…. and the knowing that I’ll always be in second place when it comes to the man I love…. his wife will always be first place, (which is as it should be, but still no easier to accept). He’ll always put me after her, and I’ll always be waiting around to hear from him, to have time with him, and that’s pretty pathetic I know…. My problem is, I don’t know what to do about all of this. I can’t seem to walk away from either man, even though it seems that ridding myself of them would be the solution…. it definitely would not be…. I could maybe see under the right circumstance ridding myself of the one, (my husband), but I just can’t see getting rid of D…. I can’t even imagine it…. So yes, I have my work cut out for me this year, for sure….and this isn’t even the half of it…. oy vey. 

It’s Always Been Rocky, But It Wasn’t Always Bad

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    Like I said in my last blog post, my marriage has been failing and doing very poorly for what seems like our whole marriage now. When my husband stopped being able to get an erection, it’s safe to assume that things did not get any better with us. Let me first tell you though, there was a time when things between my husband and I were “good”. We met under shady circumstances to begin with, you see, I was a really bad opiate addict (taking whatever kind of pain pill I could get my hands on), and Sean, (who was not yet my husband at the time, obviously), sold his pain medication. That’s how I met him, I was going to him for pain pills sometimes. He is twenty-five years older than me, and I had never thought of him in “that” kind of way. I had a son who was eight months old at the time and we were living in less than desirable conditions with a guy that I was seeing who had six kids of his own and was an alcoholic. Eventually that guy kicked me and my infant son out, in the middle of the winter, it was February, I had just lost my job at Staples due to my addiction, and I had no idea where I was gonna go or what I was gonna do… I had my baby boy to think about. That day I ended up going to see Sean, I was there in the living room of the house he was renting a room in, crying and telling him what had just happened, and that’s when he came over and put his arms around me and hugged me tight and told me that things were going to be alright. In that moment, I started to look at him as more than just the older dude who hooked me up…. I started to see him as a friend, a caring person, someone I could possibly “like” as more than just a friend. My son Travis and I started spending more time over there while staying with my friends Iris and Henry at night, using their apartment as a base, a place for Travis and I to lay our heads, make food, shower/bathe. I started seeing Sean daily, always taking Travis with me and he was so good with Travis, getting down on the floor and playing with him, offering to make his bottles, feed him, change him, etc. When I started staying the night there, Sean would get up with Travis, making his bottles and feeding him, changing his diapers. Eventually I started having withdrawals when I ran out of pain medication and now it was even worse because my doctor had just dropped me due to a pain contract that I broke by peeing dirty at my appointment., so my only way to get the pain pills was off the streets, and I didn’t have the money for that. Sean of course helped me out by giving me his when we started spending more time together, seeing each other, but no matter what, I always ran out and I always got sick. Sean “nursed” me through all those withdrawals, while taking care of Travis on top of it, with no qualms about it, he was great about it. Eventually I got a little one room efficiency apartment through the help of a local church that was right up the road, as a result, I started attending services there regularly and started taking Sean too. Sean moved into the efficiency apartment with Travis and I, my addiction grew worse, I had found a doctor that would write anything to anyone and I was on an insane amount of pain medications. One day Sean and I got into an argument over a pill, and I lost it, I broke down and I asked him if I could go get help…. that was the first time I checked into rehab. Over the course of four to five years, I was in and out of rehab/detox six or seven times, and in and out of the psychiatric hospital about nine times with problems from my addiction that in turn triggered problems with my bipolar and borderline personality disorder, as well as anxiety disorder. I think I forgot to mention that Sean and I were married only four months after we met and began seeing each other. I know it sounds crazy, and it was, but at the time, I couldn’t picture my life without him. Things were better with him around. He was good with Travis too, and he loved him. I was sure that that was what the Lord wanted me to do. It didn’t take long for the fighting to start, fighting before we even married… breaking his one rule, which was that he wasn’t going to argue or fight. I’m sure you are probably wondering why we still got married anyway. We did though, and I loved him so much, and he loved me, and he loved Travis. We wrote our own vows and in his he “took Travis as his son”  promising to love him and take care of him. We had a great sex life. We eventually moved to a nice little town house out of town a bit. I was in and out of rehab and the hospital though, as I said before. The fighting continued, things get really volatile a few times. Things weren’t always bad though, and there were still more good times than bad. We did things together, plus he was an avid hunter and fisher, which he often took me to do with him, (well, fishing anyway). We took trips to the casinos like once a month or once every other. We watched movies together, went out to eat together. We read the Bible together, we prayed together, went to church every Sunday and sometimes Wednesday together. We even ran errands together. I mean yes, we usually had Travis with us, but that was okay, we were a family. I was still an active addict, I hadn’t stayed at rehab any of the times I’d went. On top of all that, we both had severe health issues that we dealt with on a regular basis. After about a year of being married, I found out that I was pregnant!!! Our second son James was born in September of 2009. Unfortunately he was born addicted and went through thirty-one days of methadone treatment in the neonatal unit in a hospital across the state. Sean, Travis and I pretty much lived over there in the hospitality house during that time. Finally we were able to take James home, but it was still a struggle, his withdrawals were not over yet and I was still battling addiction myself, plus I think I had a touch of post postpartum depression. That year I attended rehab once more and was hospitalized like four times in one quarter. I finally found a good doctor who was willing to give me a chance on methadone. Shortly after that, one day, mid-afternoon, I noticed the cravings hadn’t been there yet, and I’ve never had another craving again. I’ve been on methadone ever since and I do great on it, it not only keeps the chronic pain I have in check, but it keeps me from having cravings too. I always tell everyone that the Lord knew I could’t take anymore and so he took them from me. And even though we fought like crazy, Sean was still there for me by my side the whole way through… he didn’t give up on me and walk away like he could have, and some would have. He might be a prick (excuse my language), he doesn’t treat me with respect most of the time, he talks to me like I’m a piece of trash for the most part, and he’s just plain mean and miserable more often than not. Over the years it has just gotten worse and progressed. He isn’t physically abusive, except during one crazy week October of 2013, in which he went to jail. I try, but I just cannot do anything right. Seriously. He truly believes that all of our problems are because of me, that I start them all. Nothing I do is good enough. You’d think I’d be used  to this by now, but I don’t think anyone ever gets used to that. We argue/fight a lot and unfortunately the boys have both had to hear it. We go through periods of time where the fighting isn’t as bad, but then we go through periods of hell. I didn’t get married to get a divorce, and even if I wanted to leave, I couldn’t. I know some would say that you can always leave, that there’s always a way, but let me assure you, in this case, there is not, I don’t care what anyone tries to tell me. I wanted to get this stuff out there so that people see that my marriage was in shambles before I ever met and fell in love with anyone else. I love D (the man I met and fell in love with on the adult cam site I was working on), I love him more than I’ve ever loved any other man before in my lifetime. But even this is a love that will not ever be in my favor…. D is married, happily married…. He lives 15 hours/several states away and he works a full time job. He and I will never be together, not like a couple…. and I’ll be way lucky if I ever even get to see him face to face, instead of just on the pc cam. I do not love my husband in “that” kind of a way anymore, I haven’t for a long time, long before D entered the picture. I certainly am not physically or sexually attracted to him anymore (and no it’s not because he can’t get an erection), and he rarely tries to touch me anyway… even if we can’t have actual penetrating intercourse, there are obviously plenty of other things we can do…. but nope….. he just doesn’t touch me anymore, and when I bring it up to him, he acts like I’m inconveniencing him or bothering him, so I usually just don’t bring it up anymore. D has never even touched my physically, and he’s the best lover I’ve ever had, and trust me (no I’m not proud of this either) I’ve had my share of lovers…. he does things to me on a mental and spiritual level that I’ve never experienced before. He knows me better than anyone has ever known me, seriously, he knows what I’m feeling without me even saying anything, he feels sad when I do and won’t even know why he feels sad until later that day when he talks to me and I tell him, and it happens to me too with him, the other way around, I feel what he feels sometimes. It’s weird and it’s crazy and most people don’t believe it, but I have no reason to lie about such a thing, and that is quite a thing to makeup as well, lol. He’s there for me when I need him, even though sometimes he can’t really be, he still finds a way, and I’m always there for him. He believes in me, he builds me up, he gets on me about doing the right things with myself and my life…. he’s amazing. And for the very first time, I’ve met someone who loves me for me, who loves me for just who I am, nothing else, nothing more, nothing less…… he doesn’t love me for what he wants me to be, he loves me for me. I’ve never truly had that before. So you see, lol, I just wanted to give you some more background, some more information on this little story that I’ve started telling you about. And maybe my blog posts won’t always be about this particular topic, maybe they will be, who knows? Now you know that my marriage has always been rocky, yes, but there are some reasons why, though not all of it. You can make your own judgments and assessments on all this, but no matter what I’ve done or been through, I’m not a bad person, if anything, I’m just human…. we all make mistakes, we all do things we probably shouldn’t…. so take heed before judging. 😉 Thanks for reading!!