Tag Archives: Soulmates

My Bleeding Heart

Standard

Broken, my wounded heart is bleeding, bruised beyond recognition, and he’s holding it in his hands; 

It feels as though he has ripped it out of my chest, with bare hands, my blood dripping down his fingers. 

This can’t be happening, this can’t be real, I keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not;

For if I were dreaming, I would not feel this God awful pain in my heart, my chest, my mind and soul, all through me; 

I cannot think straight, my mind is disobeying my commands to focus on something else, no matter how hard I try; 

My thoughts always end up going back to him, back to whatever the hell this is that’s going on right now. 

The pain and the thought of it all,the realities and everything, just keep slamming me in the face over and over; 

And I never know when it’s going to happen, they’re like surprise attacks of harsh reality and deep emotional pain. 

I never expected this, I just don’t understand, how could things go from being fine to this…. how?? 

The part I hate myself for the most, is believing that these last couple months would stay that good, even with him; 

I knew it was too good to be true, it always is, but all the things you’ve said to me, recently and past, what about that?

I had a hard time trusting in the beginning anyway, then I finally give my trust and all of me;

And once again, I’m left hurting from it… I just don’t understand… you promised you’d never go away. 

I know you are most likely hurting right now, and I realize it’s selfish of me to not show concern;

I am just so wrapped up in my own feelings and confusion over what is going on, wanting answers;

Answers I’m not getting, but I’m suppose to not act crazy… okay…. I’m scared that I’ve lost you.

My mind is in total chaos mode, I literally cannot think straight, I can’t complete tasks correctly, I can’t focus; 

I literally ache inside constantly, aching for you, just to hear from you even, but especially to know what’s up. 

I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s right that you won’t tell me, you told your wife about us;

That much I did get at least, but what does that mean dammit, why did you tell her, what is going on;

Does this mean that the you and I that just so recently existed is going to be nothing now, over with; 

Will I lose you too, just as I have lost all those in my life that I have loved either by death or separation? 

All the promises you made me, like how you’d never go away, that we’d always be friends and you’d never give up on me;

Promises to see me, telling me you loved me, and that you’d never chose between us, there’s so much more than just this.

Every good thing you said to me, I’ve believed, I’ve always taken your word for everything, never questioning you; 

I’m sorry that I’m still not better after a year and a half, trust that I want to be and it hurts to know you feel that way. 

Every time you told me you were proud of me, it was more inspiration to work at this harder, I wanted to make you proud;

I know my progress has been slow, but I have made some, and that’s definitely better than none. 

Come back to me my best friend, please speak to me and explain, tell me what is going on with you and us; 

Help me to understand why all this is happening please, I know I have said selfish things, but please don’t stop talking to me;

Everyone always leaves, everything good in my life turns to shit, everyone always gives up on me, get tired of me;

And I can’t blame them, I’m a mess, crazy, too much to handle, I ruin everything good in my life, that’s truth. 

A Deep Kind Of Love

Standard

 Have you ever experienced a love so overwhelming, so powerful and deep, that you know it is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before or will ever experience again? The kind of love that makes your heart burst and your soul overflow, where you feel like you’ve finally found that missing piece to your soul, to you. You’re sure there’s something wrong with you because that person is the only thing you can think of, the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing at night, along with every hour in between. Where it gets to a point that you’re sure you’re obsessed and in need of help. Well that’s how I feel about D. I feel that and so much more. I actually started going to counseling because I knew that what I was feeling and the way I was thinking about him was not healthy…. but the therapist told me that we can’t control our feelings, only how we react to them.  So everyday, I wake up, and I think about this man, not the one lying next to me, but one hundreds of miles away, I think about him and how he’s already at work and wonder if he’s having a good day, or if it’s his day off, I wonder if he’s sleeping in. On the mornings that he works, I set my alarm for 5 a.m. so I can get up and send him an email with a good morning image and some other quotes, etc. I write it the night before and get up at 5 and send it to him, then go back to bed .I would NEVER do that for someone, not before, not even for my husband when things were good between us. Things are just different with D, everything is… he makes me feel unlike anyone has ever made me feel before. He loves me for who I am, and no one, no man especially, has ever done that before…. sure, he’d like me to better myself, but he’s happy with me just the way I am if that’s the way I choose to be. He believes in me, he never puts me down but instead always builds me up. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy despite all my physical flaws. There are just so many things that are different with him. He knows me in a way that no one else ever has, he sees me differently too. He will literally text me or IM me sometimes when I’m sad and be like, “What’s wrong?”, and I’ll be totally blown away because I really am feeling bad and he’ll just somehow know…. and it happens to me with him sometimes too. I believe that we are connected on a deeper level than most. I don’t understand why, for what reason…. we’ll never be able to have one another…. we’re both married, both have families… I always ask myself, ‘how could two soulmates meet, but not be able to have one another?’, but I guess it happens. All I know is that everyday, my heart aches for a man I’ll never have, while I sit miserably with the one I do have. 

A Day For Reflection & Contemplating – Page 1 Of A New Year

Standard

    New Years Day… A day for reflection of the last year, and contemplation on the year ahead. Sounds about right, doesn’t it? Or at least legit. I think all the time, I mean my mind is never just blank, or without a thought or twenty, but sometimes, as with anyone, my thoughts are deeper than other times. Well today, some deep thought came as my husband was lying on the bed in just his underwear, talking to me, and I was getting annoyed listening to him, for no good reason really. It was in that moment, looking at him, that I realized how completely unattractive he is to me and that I am so not in love with him. I was just totally disgusted by everything about him physically, hit with it full force all at once…. and I felt so guilty about it, but at the same time, I felt like, “now what do I do?”…. You see, leaving him is just not an option, not right now anyway, if ever that I can see. So now what? Here I am, stuck being married to this man that’s twenty-five years my senior, and the love I once had for him is just completely lost, the attraction I once felt completely gone. There has been too much ugliness between the two of us, any beauty in it long gone. To top it all off, I am not only just not in love with my husband anymore, not attracted to him, but I am totally, completely and helplessly, hopelessly in love with another man, one that can never be mine, will never be…. A man that I can only love from afar, a man that only has real time for me when his wife isn’t home….. and even though that man loves me back, it still doe not change the situation between us or the one at hand. This love for this other man, D, it has taken over me it seems, I honestly feel like one of those obsessed whack job stalker types!!! Who the hell does that? Feels that way? And why?!! For the love of Christ, WHY ME??!! I did not ask to fall in love with someone, I did not ask to meet this particular man, although one could say that I asked to meet a man in general because of what I was doing at the time I met D…. but still, my point is, I didn’t choose to fall in love, to feel these insane feelings I feel…. didn’t ask to obsess about seeing a man that I’m most likely never gonna see….. didn’t ask for being able to see him to be the main focus in my life for over a year now…. That is not healthy, it is not normal, I have a family to take care of, kids… yet it is how I feel, it is what I’m going through. Life is too overwhelming….. I have to do something this year to lessen the chaos…. I need to learn to deal with my feelings…. I may not be able to control what I feel, but I can control how I let that feeling affect me, I think… Love truly does hurt… in my case the situation at hand is what hurts…. and the knowing that I’ll always be in second place when it comes to the man I love…. his wife will always be first place, (which is as it should be, but still no easier to accept). He’ll always put me after her, and I’ll always be waiting around to hear from him, to have time with him, and that’s pretty pathetic I know…. My problem is, I don’t know what to do about all of this. I can’t seem to walk away from either man, even though it seems that ridding myself of them would be the solution…. it definitely would not be…. I could maybe see under the right circumstance ridding myself of the one, (my husband), but I just can’t see getting rid of D…. I can’t even imagine it…. So yes, I have my work cut out for me this year, for sure….and this isn’t even the half of it…. oy vey.